R ignored Text

Well, after much thought I decided to go ahead and give in to R. Yes, I still believe he did wrong, but after thinking it through I thought about what was more important, ending things on a positive side and both R and I getting closure or me being right and stubbron.  I figured that even though I believe I am right I also believe that I overreacted in our fight.  I had every right to feel hurt and angry, I have every right to feel whatever feelings I feel, but I don't have a right to try and force R to understand because I don't think he can and I don't have a right to try and make him care if he hurt me because R never will.  I started to believe that R cared abotu me the way I car for him that everything we have gone through and how he was there for me and how I was the ONLY person who was there for him even though he and I always fought and didn't see eye to eye we still leaned on each other and I begun to think that in some ways he cared about me as another human being the way I care for him because he is human.  It's even more than just being in the same species, but because of everything he and I went through even though i am still going through it and he is not I thought that it meant we could care for each other if for only that reason and I do, but I don't think Richard does and perhaps I was stupid to think so, but he said he did then he would say he didn't.   I never though R cared for me in any other way and I know for a fact that he never loved me, but I guess because anyone else would care that he did too and because he said he did, but I don't know if it's true and it probably isn't I am just not sure.   Actually I do think in his own way he probably did in a certain way, but I don't think he knew how to handle anything just like I didn't know how to handle it.       Anyway so I gave in and I texted R.  I said, " Hey" then after no response I told him I assumed he didn't want what he had asked for or closure or anything else.  I also told him that he can never say that I didn't try or blame anything on me because I was breaking the silence.  He still didn't response and so my last text was me telling him that I wished things could have ended more peacefully and that I wanted to do what is right and let him know everything and give us both peace of mind.  I finished the etxt by telling him I was taking the highroad and I wish him well.     No, he did not say anythign back, but I didn't expect him to.   Some of my friends wanted me to tell R a few things and thought I should and I kept thinking I couldn't and shouldn't, but then after I overreacted on our fight last weekend I thought about why I wanted to get out of seeing him so much and what that was doing to me as a person and then I thought about everything that R has done.  i thought about how R did try to be supportive and while I got angry and called him names and he would call me names or say something cruel I would be mean right back.  I thought about how he has a good side too and how I have my own bad side one that R has seen many times, but I have a good side too and that is something R has seen as well.     I think the only reason I texted R tonight was because I do want to tell hi everything and I wanted to tell him in person even if it's soemthing I was not looking forward to.   The thing is I ept giving R chance after chance wanting him to just prove to me that he wouldn't be mean as soon as something he didn't liek happen.  When R and I got in our fight he didn't get mean.  I wasn't mean either, but I was unreasonable and I was really angry that he didn't care if he hurt me.  R didn't call me a name or say anything mean yes, he was insenstive, but he wasn't mean at least not purposely like he has been in the past.      When I texted R tonight I was giving him another chance, but perhaps it was me who needed the chance.    I don't know anymore.    I know I should appologize, but so should he and I don't like feeling like I need to appologize and that if I do the other person who should say they are sorry too won't say it.     I think that is where I am wrong, because an apology doesn't mean much if you expect something back, but I HATE that I am the one to have to bend and he gets to sit on his pedestal all high and mighty doing what ever he wants with no consequences.    Some of my friends think I am stupid that I should make him pay for at least half of some stuff, but I don't want that.    R did offer to pay for the thing he wants and I never even thought about that.   Yes, I probably should make him pay, but that is not my style.    I don't know if I will change my mind, but I doubt I will.   Yes, it kind of hurts that he goes on ignoring me, but I am not surprised because that is just how he is.  It's childish and stupid, but R is a little younger than me.  He is a grown ass man, but based on his actions in the past you would think he were in high school.  He is a grown man and he does grown up things, but some of his actiosn are childish then again some of my actions are pretty childish too.    My actions have been more emotional than childish lol with good reason, but still I have acted like a child too.   I did text R that I was sorry and I did wrong about over reacting jsut thinking about him makes me cry.   When I think our fight I start crying because it makes me think how bad it feels when he hurts my feels, how bad it feels when I think about all the things he has done, and I think about how bad I feel how things went down and what I have done.  I think about how bad I feel thinking about the future.    Sometimes when a person has done wrong they can't fix it no matter how hard they try.  Sometimes when someone hurts someone no matter how badly the other person wants to forgive they just can't because the wound is too deep.  Maybe my wound is just still open.  I do know that it would be wrong of me to say that R is a deadbeat or any other names because of the choices I have made.    Then I think that R is not a stupid guy and is doing exactly what he wants and he sees things for how they are.    I don't know what to think anymore.  I do find it funny that R wanted me to text him first when I had calmed down and when I do he decides to ignore me.   Even when I take the high road.   Nothing will ever been good enough to please Richard and the funny thing is I am too good for him.  I get so sad thinking about things and how I have to tell the truth and say that I did wrong, but I was too good for him and how he didn't care and hwo I have to tell every sorted detail.   I can't aviod telling the story and how I wish I could.  Someday I will have to tell everything and it's not fun to say all the things I did wrong or to bad mouth R.  I guess it's not bad mouthing if it's truth.  Well, so readers now you know that I tried to make peace and be the bigger person.  I tried and R wasn't intreasted.  For my close friends that read this I am saying that R does know everyhing because he isn't fucking stupid and he really doesn't care.   So, I guess now I can have peace, so then why i don't I feel better?   Did I just let myself off the hook? Did I really try hard enough?   I think I did, maybe I could have done more, but if R isn't willing to speak to me or to make even a little effort when I bit the bullet than I can't force him.   Anyway so once again I am crying which happens a lot and I have to pee so I am going to pee and then I am going to lay down to go to sleep.  Goodnight readers, and Sweetdreams