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Road Trip and Scream!

Last night was a great night. Friday night I had stayed up really late and sadly I didn't get any sleep when I got home past 3 am, but I did take quick cat naps in the morning so around 6pm i was still really tired. Friday night a group of my friends were talking about going to PA to go to this Haunted House theme park.  My girl friend K and I both wanted to go, but we didn't know how far it was and didn't know if we could really go, but around 6pm I called my friend Proud and asked him how it was going to work because I decided even though I was really tired I did want to go and I knew K would go if I did, so I called her up and in less than an hour we were on our way to meet our other friends.  Originally i was going to drive so K wouldn't have to spend the gas money, but we all decided who ever drives somewhere everyone who rides with them will throw in gas money.  We met up with all our friends some I didn't know, some K didn't know and a few neither of us knew.    We ended up taking K's expedition and another guy's van.   So with five of us in K's car we headed out to the Field of Screams in Pa which ended up being only an hour away from where we met up.    There was a couple that rode in K's car with us that we didn't know and sadly they were stuck up.  Once we got to the park we all had so much fun.   First ride was a Scary Hayride through a corn field, ut we didn't have seats so we had to sit in the bed of a tractor that had sprinkled hay throughout it was not filled with actual hay lofts.     Standing in line for the hay ride I had to pee so bad so when we got to the front there were bathroom and as I get in I hear that the tractor was there so I had to run out trying to redo my belt because my belt was the only thing I actually got to do and get in.   A a girl in our group freaked out on the ride.   I jumped once when a guy with a mask jumped out on me, but for the rest of the ride that was filled with us stopping at different barn stations and being closed in I laughed with Proud next to me B and K on the other side of Proud and the rest of our party on my side.   As a guy jumped out at me I just stared at him asking my friends why I kept being picked on. I got the answer that it was because I wasnt leaning onto the tractor bars.  I yelled over the loud music and sounds that it was because I didn't want to be touched so the guy that I was ignoring and just staring out grabbed the neck of my jacked and was pulling me so I looked at him and jumped yelling and scaring him.  He ended up almost falling off the side jumping back which ended up getting huge laughs from my friends.    
   There were donsides to the night, such as when I almost hit a guy because he kept touching me with the chainsaw that has had the blades removed.  I kept warning him to quit touching me and ened up getting into his face.  My friends thought I was going to actually hit him and I almost did. Another actor tried the same thing later on at a different attraction, but my buddy Proud got in between us and held onto me. Partly to protect me and partly to protect the guy.   
    The was a couple of times I made Proud stay either in front of me or right behind me.  I really hate the dark so during the times we were in complete darkness I had my friend B stay in front to lead the way and Proud held onto me from behind.    
    It was so much fun going on a quick road trip and going out with such a big group of friends and of course we got pictures and videos.   The funniest part of the night was when after the Hay Ride Proud, myself, and another guy went to the restrooms while our friends waited on us and just as I was finished and pulling up my pants Proud and the other guy shook the portable potty .   I was laughing my ass off, but I was so thankful that I wasn't actually peeing when they did it!  I had to hold on to the handle so as not to sit because lets face it portable pottys are GROSS!   
  The couple that was in K's car with Proud, K and myself left our group when we stopped to eat and sat by themself with another guy I didn't know very well.   Thankfully the couple didn't ride back with K, Proud and me.  They weren't even supposed to ride down with us B was, but the couple wanted to be able to sit together and in the van they wouldn't have been able to so on our way back B and T rode with us which was a lot more fun.    The couple didn't even want K to smoke in her own car whcih she barely does, but the fact they made everyone uncomfortable was horrible especially if they had said something nice or asked nice we would have been okay.   They didn't ride back with us because they figured out if they switched cars they wouldn't have to give gas money to either driver.  If they didn't have the moeny K wouldn't have made them give anything or even had asked, but it was something all of the people who werent driving agreed to.  The real reason we gave K the gas money is because she has been the main person who drives lately.  I drive too, but K has been doing the driving for the past week.           For the most part the night was just great and I only had to smack Proud once for grabbing my ass.   I've known him for a couple of years now and he has asked me out once, but we are just good friends. I like to give him hugs and we like to cuddle if we are sitting talking somewhere or if we go out in a group with guys and girls because we are single we end up sticking together, but nothing has ever come of it and I wouldn't let it either even if he does like to be a flirt.        I tried a fried oreo for the first time last ngiht too.   B went and bought some for me because I had never tried it and K wanted some too.  They weren't all that bad. A little different, but really it tasted like a funnel cake with choclate so it was actually pretty good, but I could only eat one because I wasn't hungry.




I know this blog is spaced and just going into boring detail of last night, but it's one of those things where you had to be there. Like when Proud and I each took a picture of us pretending to lick this wood pole covered in hundred's of pieces of gum in front of the Hay Ride. The pictures actually look like we both licked it.  Proud's tongue may have touched a piece on accident HAHA because he didn't look forward and stick his tongue out to the side like I did he just looked at the pole and stuck his tongue out not realizing from the side you don't get that close.  
  Next weekend we all decided we are going to Henderson's which is a hunted place in MD.  It used ot be a mental asylum that was built in the 1920's, but eventually closed down because like so many places like that they did experiments on the patients. It's in the middle of the woods someplace and our little group decided that every weekend we are going to go visit a haunted place in MD or even in VA, and PA if close enough for kicks. I think we are all hoping we get to see an actual ghost and since some of the places ( there are about 30 in MD) have stories of people that went missing when they went there we are all hoping that we wont go missing but that something strange will happen.     We may go camping as well then hit it up, but we still arent sure on the camping.
  Well thats pretty much all that happened. Sanchez wanted o get together tonight but I am way too tired and I didnt want to go.   I have plans for the next few weeks, and I dont go out on nights I have to work, so I dont have to make any excuses on why I cant go out with him, because I actually do have lots of plans and I wont go out when I have to get up at the crack of dawn.    Its nice hanging out with my friends again I had really missed it and I just feel really luckly that I do have friends and that we do find really awesome things to do.  Next week will be fun as well.  I am staying at home except when I go to a few places until wed night then I go out again, then Friday an Saturday. Its makes me feel good and not so lonely being able to go out.   I dont think about R anymore lol cept for when I write my blogs because I think I still miss sex, but I am okay without and I would rather find someone that respects me and sees how great I am than sleep with a guy I dont really like.  Now, I really liked R, but he didnt see how great I am so I am better off not sleeping with him even if my body says CALL HIM!!  lol I wont because one, he will turn me down cus that is how he is and two I will just drive myself crazy wanting it again and again.    Well Seet Dreams all and remember if no one has told you today YOU ARE LOVED!

I welcome the calming of night/

Today was another exhausting busy day. I did not get any sleep last night and of course I had to wake up early to work another full day. No longer will I have short days of only working six hours, but now I will always work nine hours, but it means I will always be off no later than five even when I go in early so that is something I like plus I will have almost every weekend off which I absolutely love because now I can make plans and hang out with the rest of the world who do nine til five and get weekends off.  I so in a bit earlier than nine, but I am happy with.  The only ba thing about work currently is that all my work for the past two years got deleted because for some reason work redid my profile and it may be impossible to get it, but I might have a chance.  I am just going to be so sad if all that work is lost.     Tonight I went out and I did have to listen to someone scream because they are friends with their ex and not taking it well wanting to get back together.  I told them to back off or they will never be friends and I let it at that  I can listen and be a good friend but i decide just not to get in the middle.    I notice I always put myself in the middle and offer up advice and I am sick of it.  I just want to worry about me and enjoy my life.  What good is drama and stress when the drama is not even mine?
  I ot home around 3 am really tired because after a long day at work I ha planned to take a nap before going out but instead I went to the UPS store, the actualy store, filled up my tank and then I had to do laundry.   My clothes didnt get dry by the time I had to leave so I went in black workout booty pants, my brothers hoody type of thing and a pair of heels cuz girls you gotta work it!    It used to be if you wore heels with jeans and a blouse then you were a fashion victim but now thansk to shoes lol they have so many types to choose from.  Lately I like shoes.


 Anyway last night was really good, but I do feel bad or two of my friends. One broke up with her bf a while ago but are friends and its not good from them because she wants more. My other friend says she is leaving her bf/ fiance.  Both my friends are hurting and I want to help them but dont know how so all i can do is listen and keep my space because I have to be around positive things, but I still want to be a good friend I just cant try to fix things.  Well I coul say a lot more but I am super tired I woke up for a few minutes but now I HAVE to go back to sleep because I am drowsy. I still havent text Richard so Im still being strong an Im proud of that even if I do miss sex but I know that isnt the best for me right now.  What is meant to be will be without me forcing it so that is something to look forward to.   Well I am falling asleep because I havent sleept excep                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 t for a few hours, so before I just pass out.. Yea I will be sleeping all day until i go out again tonight.. Lets get this party started :)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Busy Life

I feel horrible I haven't had much of a chance to blog lately.  Life has been really busy. Since last Thursday when I saw R I have been really busy and having a blast. Saturday night I went out and I ran into an old friend K. K and I were pretty close about two years ago when I was dating this guy J who ended up being not such a nice guy. He lied to me about being married, then about getting a divorce and when I found out he wasn't legally separated I broke up with him. I was also pregnant at that time and though I tried to maintain a positive outcome it wasn't possible because he got back together with his wife even though I was thinking about staying with him and he with me it just wasn't a good thing at all.  There was a lot of drama, a lot of heartbreak and eventually I got rid of the baby because it was a horrible situation to be in and even worse to bring an innocent life in, so I moved on.  Anyway I ended the friendship with K because I had met her through my ex and since he took his wife back after me I knew they would be hanging out and I decided I just couldn't be in that place, but we didn't fight and we were both pretty sad.  K became friends with the ex's wife and their friendship ended shortly after that.  I felt awkward running ito her, but K, myself, and a few guys went to an all night diner and I did't get home until after 4am.  K and I decided we wanted to be friends again and it's great.   I went back to work on Monday and everything went pretty well.    On Wednesday K and I went and bought cards for two friends then went out with friend's to Red Lobster which was a great time.  After dinner we went out and then went out some place else.  I won't talk about where we went because it's kind of private, but it was really awesome.  We ended up getting home after one in morning. K and I spent a while sitting in the car just talking and having a great time.  I met a couple of guys while out and some were really cute and nice, but I am not really looking for anything just yet.   I am going out again tomorrow and Saturday with K and friends yet again.   I have always been a loner so being surrounded by friends now and actually really having a great time feels good for a change.  They aren't just people I get along with, but friends who have my best interest  at heart. True friends want you to be happy and they want only good things for you.  True friends will also steer you into the right direction when you get of course.   True friends won't knock the person you spend time with just because they don't like them or because you spend too much time with that person, but instead will simply be happy for you.


   I have been so busy lately and having so much fun that I haven't had much time to think about R, but last night while talking to K I did think about him as we talked about men and sex lol.  I realised that I wanted to see him again not to really see him, but allow him access to my forbidden fruits as one would say.   Of the guys who I have been hanging out with lately with my grilfriends I could of course sleep with a few of them and even be with a few of them, but I am just not into it.   It's strange because I am interested in sex either, but I am interested in a little human contact.   One thing R is good at is that he doesn't jsut have sex, but he cuddles too and he tries to connect.  I couldn't connect with him last time because I wouldn't allow myself to, but still that connection seeped in like sewage. It sucks when that happens especially for someone like me because I am so used to taking care of myself and being by myself.  I have family and friends, but for the most part I let everything just stay inside me and I am usually the person to try and fix everything, so when something happens and you find yourself with needs and wants it sucks because you know no good can come out it when you will still be on your own.   especially with the R thing because he is not around and won't be around.  I can want all I want to have sex with him again, but it's not going to happen and it probably shouldn't have happened the first time.    I wonder if I should text him, but R is a guy that has to have his way.  I want something, but if he's not in control it won't happen.  Like me R is a busy guy with a busy and full life so I am sure he has not thought of me much either, but I wonder if it has crossed his mind when it gets late and he realizes that perhaps a kiss or a little more would feel pretty damn nice at the moment.   I won't be thinking of it much because tomorrow I will go to work for a full and long day, then after I will head out to hang out with some friends until midnight when then I will go and hang out with K and another group of friends.  I will go home and miss sex util Saturday where I will go and hang out with K and my friends again.  Sunday I will rest and seeing as Monday is a holiday I will go and hang out with friends yet again.   


     I have a ton of plans in foreseeable future like a dance coming up.  It's a Halloween dance and K and I have alreayd decided we will go and of course we will be wearing costumes and look smashing not to mention cute and hot.    Still tonight is a night that is a big sleepless. I must go to sleep because I have a long and exhausting day tomorrow until I get home where I will take a nap before going out and enjoying life as one should enjoy it.   I am still getting used to hanging out with my friends because even if K and I just reconnected my other friends I usually hang out with once a week, but now we hang out a lot more only because I am now saying yes when they want to go out and have fun.   I say yes because being a loner suits me at moments, but the other times I just really don't want to be home watching tv by myself or on the computer and going out by myself to meet people well I never do that because I think it's a little creepy haha.    So I go out knowing that it's good for me and I to can have what I always envied when I would see a whole group of about six people going out having a good time and now I too have that. I've always had it with my friends I just never accepted it.   I finally figured out that you have to accepted the good things.  If something feels good, but you run away simply because it doesn't feel natural, the only reason being that you don't know how to be yourself with someone and end up being different people to different people well, than you are simply running out of fear and in time you learn to accept it.  Who wants to be by themselves all the time and always set themselves up to be by them self? I know I don't because in the end you truly do end up being alone and that is very lonely indeed.   Well I have a long day ahead of me and kind of a busy and long weekend so I must try and get a little sleep.  I will try to keep writing my blog, but life gets busy so readers please excuse my lateness. :)   Sweet Dreams All. 

New things

Well today was a good day.  No, R never called or text, but I am okay with that.  I did send R a picture, but only because last night when I was with him he made a comment about not having any and I told him I had pictures of him, I do have pictures of him some I took when he wasn't looking while he was smiling at me actually most are like that a weird angle to hide the camera so it would be natural.  Funny how I took pictures when he was smiling without him knowing it I guess that means that I did make him smile some of the time.   I sent him the picture just so he would have one to remember me by and I don't feel sad or strange about it.  In some ways I am sad, but I dont dwell on that I dwell on the fact that it's a good day regardless.  My friends still he will call me, but I don't anymore.  Actually I agree with my friend M a guy who is older when he and I talked and joked about my adventure last night he said nah he will call and we both said yea when he gets horny lol...  Even the thought of that doesn't bother me.   I don't know where my new peace comes from, but I am okay with it.  
  I hung out with some friends tonight and I had the option of going out after midnight to play pool and go swimming, but I just didn't feel like it because I was sleepy and needed some down time plus I really want to just veg out and watch Supernatural.   I am going to see an old flame from over a year ago on Sunday for a celebration he is having and I hung out with one of his friends tonight for a few minutes just to catch up and say hi.    I always did like the guy his name is A lol, but he is really sweet and has always went out of his way to make me feel welcome.   He knows that I am a pretty quiet person around everyone which is why I don't talk much to people unless I am already friends with them, but I like him and I am glad that I will be seeing more of him because he is someone I can be good friends with.   Hold the horses people because I am not thinking of him ina romantic light lol though he is cute, but seeing the fact I just slept with my ex last night and I have to realize my feelings about that I won't be looking for another guy anytime soon.   I will go out with guys again though I think it's time.   I think what held me back is my feelings for R and well now I don't have anything to hold onto anymore.  He said his goodbyes to me and I cant wait for him to see how great of a person I really am.      A couple people asked me if today I thought last night was a mistake knowing that it really was R saying his final farewell to me and even though some of the feelings I have suck I still can't say it was a mistake because it taught me a few things.   I wasnt exactly holding onto my feelings for R because I had move on even if i hadnt started to date anyone.  Honestly until R called me yesterday I hadn't thought of him in a while and had only talked about him to a friend about a week before that to explain why I wasnt ready to date and why I still felt bad about myself.   I did have a dream today when I was taking a nap and R was telling me he loved me even in the dream I was shocked as hell! lol but what was funny is that in the dream I didnt say it back knowing that it wasnt real.   I woke up and forgot about the dream until tongiht when I tried to remember if it was a dream of it R had said it while he was falling asleep because that is how the dream takes place.     The fact I didnt believe it in a dream is sad, but the fact I didnt say it back even in a dream is GREAT!     I am not a slave to any bad feelings knowing I cant control how other people see or feel about me.    I can control how I let them treat me and I can avoid feeling icky in the future.   I dont regret last night and the fact I can look at guys and think they are cute is great.    I cant imagine being with anyone right now which is a good thing and I cant imagine even sleeping with anyone then again I couldnt imagine sleeping with R again and based on the performace he and I shared it proved that I couldnt imaien it because well the act was maybe a bit forced.    I know why it was forced and it wasnt just my nerves it was knowing that it was goodbye and sleeping with a person one last time as a final goodbye is hard and you really do have to force yourself because in your mind you keep thinking this is it the very last time and that is something no matter how you feel about moving on it just plain sucks.    Today is still a good day and I take comfort in knowing that I have friends who care about me and even though I cant control things though I could play a game and get R to see me again and even sleep with him again and drag it out I dont want to.   Why would I want to be manipulative to someone into being around me if they dont enjoy my company and my personality?  That would make me no better than Sanchez and I dont want to be that person.  I would much rather be a person who people want to be around and enjoy based on myself.  If R ever contacts me to go out to dinner again or sleep with him will I go?  Who knows right now I would say yes, but then again thats because we make ourselves remember the good times, but I also know if that is the only thing someone thinks I am good enough for then they arent good enough for me.   I think Richard actually enjoys my company most of the time, but he just didnt want to be friends and that is his lost or perhaps his gain if he feels he cant be a good guy to me though last night showed me he could, it reminded me of what we had the first night when possibilities were there.    I dont know what he thinks or how he feels and I decided not to ask him.   Ive decided that I can be around and I can be open to things but I cant control things so me not asking Richard is me not trying and me jsut being still and calm.   Working and hanging out with friends who love me because they have my best intreast at heart above all other things including what I think I want is a true friend and having that is what will get me through any feelings, and will keep me calm so I remember I cant force things and I cant control them.    I can be here and I can accept things but I cannot make them be.    sweet dreams all it is time for me to watch Supernatural and then I will try and clean before I sub-come to my own dreams tonight.  

It's been a while..

It's been a while since I have written a blog. To be honest I haven't had much to write about so let me fill ya'all in on what's been happening to this single girl.  I go back to work on Monday after a long needed vacation. Sanchez my old friend who is way too in into me has finally pushed me to a place where I just can't be around him. Sanchez is the father of my Godson and my best friend's ex husband.  He uses his son to try and get to me and I finally had enough so even though I wanted to spend time with my Godson this past week I didn't because I could not be around his father. Not only that, but I don't want my Godson getting the wrong message in the role I play in his life and to be honest I am not sure I have completely forgiven Sanchez for being the cause of breaking me and my ex boyfriend up.  He kept trying to kiss me when I dated someone and it caused issues though if my ex was insecure and couldn't trust me then it was for the best, but with R he and I never even got a real chance because Sanchez freaked and since R and Sanchez were a bit of friends it was awkward and I freaked which sucked because the first time I met R I liked him a whole lot and I wanted to get to know him.  R and I never were able to have a real relationship because he put it out of his head due to the drama and I kept at it because I didn't want it ruined all because someone who claimed to be my friend couldn't let me try and be happy.     I mention this because I am proud that I made the right choice in not being the victim and not letting someone be manipulative to me.     Speaking of R I got call and a text from his yesterday with him wanting to get together to talk.  We went out to dinner, but I didn't eat because it was R's favorite place, but the Texcan food made my tummy hurt just smelling it lol so I got a sprite and we sat down.   It was a little weird at first seeing R after two months and I had not spoken to him in one month and five days lol which I know only because R knew exactly how long.    The strange thing is I thought of him a lot for a week or so after i didn't talk to again, but then I just moved on.    R and I spent two hours at the restaurant talking and laughing.  It was funny because we kept joking about sex and all other sorts of things, then he asked me if I would maybe want to go back to his place.   My first thought was no, it was a bad idea, but I couldn't resist knowing that I did want that night with him, so after thinking it over for a few minutes I went back to his place.      It was AWKWARD at first I was so nervous!  I hadn't been with him in a couple of months and of course there has not been anyone since him nor has there been anyone for him since me though he has dated a couple of times.   We got back to his place and I was worried his roommate would wake up because his friends hate me, but R said that was them and we were us.  As I lay next to him post coital I found my nook.  The place where my head fits quite perfectly into his shoulder.  I made a comment about the nook at first I said what I have said to him so many times. I muttered, " my nook", as I snuggled in next to him with him arm around my waist and then I said well it's the nook I am sure others would fit just as perfectly because I was afraid of what he would say when I muttered that I was afraid of what he would think so I felt I had to qualify it.  Then he said no, it was my nook and i could have it.    I turned onto my side so we spoon and he held me tightly actually he held me more tightly last night than I think he ever really did.  I told him I could leave and I was really only joking, but I did try and get up just to see if he wanted me to and he held on and would not let go.    I can't explain the emotions I had because honestly I don't know what they were or even what they are.   I spent the night and in the morning I woke to R's touch on my skin so we could spend more time together is what I will call it.  The sad thing is I was so nervous about the sex that it probably wasn't the best he and i ever had actually I know it wasn't.  It wasn't bad, but for me it was strange though not in a bad way.  I remember laying down next to R as he was falling asleep with his head against mine and I asked him if he regretted it and he said he didn't then he asked me and I can honestly say I don't regret it.   I didn't take a shower with him in the morning only because I have never been one to enjoy showers with other people though he likes to shower with me he always has.  I got dressed and he walked me to the door in his BDUs which is the first time I have ever seen him in uniform which I liked haha and he gave me a quick kiss and asked me again if I don't work till Monday and I said yep. I told him to have a good day at work and he told me to have a good day and I left.   I did call him right after because I got lost and couldn't find my way out to get home, but he didn't pick up and I found my way out then he called me and I told him I had gotten out and then I told him Thank you for the orgasms and he said that way the goal and asked me if I didn't expect to have them.   I told R I didn't expect anything about that night then I told him to have  a good day again and he said talk to you later, but it was a bit forced and we hung up.          I had no expectations of what last night would bring and I have no expectations of what it meant.  It could have been that one last time R and I had together to say goodbye in a happy place though we really did that on the phone over a month ago or maybe it opened up a can.  Actually no matter what I know it opened up a can.  I'm okay with anything that comes my way now, but I had moved on from R and he had moved on from me so last nights adventure no matter what will have me at least thinking about him for a few days or so.  I don't think he has plans to call me.  The things and comments he made last night would leave a girl thinking he was back in her life, but I know R and I  know him well so anything that he says that is sweet and romantic in bed as we lay cuddling is something he could mean at the time, but doesn't mean he will mean it in the morning. R likes to make a girl feel wanted in bed and he does a good job with it so I have come to understand though last night was the first time he ever said those things to me like the nook being my nook or ever referring to him and me as us,  but last we were an us for those hours spent in his bed together we were us even short lived. 
The funny things about females and sex for me at least is that I am okay with last not simply being last night and all that it ever will be truly I am perfectly okay with it and in most ways that's what I expect I guess, but if R doesn't call then I think geez just a booty call and I will be bummed in a way an if he does call then I will ask myself why, I will wonder if he simply calls to check up on me or if he calls because he truly wants to.  Either way what is meant to be will be.   If R is to remain in my life a little longer then that is what will happen.  If he is supposed to go on his way than that will happen heck if R and I are to be friends because in a way I know him very well better than I think some people do and not as well as others.   I have seen as himself, I have seen him at his worst, and i have seen him in an intimate setting letting his guard down even though both he and I worked hard and not letting our guards down while together, but you can't hold onto those walls all the time there are moments the walls come down and people see you in a new light even if only short lived.   I over think things a lot and this time I don't plan on it.  I am not in control and even though I hate that I can't control everything it is the way it is supposed to be.     The term we will always have Paris is often said, but now R and I will always have our night no matter what.   I didn't even think him and I going back to his place was a possibility last night when I met up with him and when he brought it up I was shocked and he made me blush more than once last night, but it did make me remember the first night I ever spent with him which is funny that it was the first night he and i ever met.   Actually R told me something funny about that moment he had a date the night after I slept over hahah.  He dropped me off home and he said he was so tired on his date, I never knew about his date and I told him I felt bad, but he said he didn't connect with the girl anyway.   It's funny he told me about that and him and I talking about when we met.  I confessed to him things I never had about how much I liked him and how I had wanted to get to know him before the drama with Sanchez happened making us both feel odd yet, I was more the person who was like heck no I am not letting that stand in my way.  I told him about all the times I was jealous of his friends that are girl some of whom he has dated.  i don't think I ever let him know how much I was actually jealous of them and I told him why.       it's funny how at the end of things people get really honest and open.  I think maybe because then there fear of losing is gone.   Actually the way people act because they are afraid of losing something is what usually ensures they will lose it.      I guess I was able to be open and honest with R last night because I no longer have that fear.  It sucks losing someone when you get used to them.  With R I really did hate losing him because I didn't just lose some guy, I lost a friend someone who I talked about my day with and someone who talked about their day with me, I lost a companion which isn't the same thing as a friend because a companion can be someone you just spend time with though it usually does include friendship lol, and I lost a sex partner.  These are things that a person will miss when its gone.  It doesn't mean you won't be fine and move on, but for a time the presence of the person is missed.    
  I do wish I had not be so nervous that it had effected sexual experience last night, but I can't change that because I was nervous and it did effect it as much as I wish it hadn't.   It was also weird because R and I did something we hadn't done in a while and i am not speaking of the actual sex act and that in itself was a bit strange and it did make things feel different.     I noticed things last night like how he held me while he slept and though R has always been someone who likes to cuddle lol he's a cuddle bunny I don't remember he ever holding on that tightly or could it be that I had just forgotten it or maybe somehow became more aware of it last night?   I really don't think so.       The night happened because he and I were having a great time and he said he was tired because he had to get up early but didn't want the night to end.  It could have happened simply because he was horny and once he and I started talking about sex I couldn't get it out of my mind.  It could have happened because he felt lonely and he just wanted human contact, or perhaps it happened because seeing me he realized he missed me and what we had minus the fighting at the end.  Its funny that R and I never fought while we were together.   I find a lot of things amusing how he and I never really know what to call each other.  we said lover, friends with benefits, ex boyfriend and girlfriend, we have called each other using many different titles though I used ot be hung up on titles I am not anymore so we simply stated our former whatever to each other.    We discovered that he and I have the same date in November of losing our virginity though not in the same year which I do find funny because I think he would agree with me it's a pretty good date to have Veterans Day so not easily forgotten lol. I have no doubt in my mind I will spend the rest of today thinking about him and last night even though I will try and stay busy and when my girlfriends talk to me about it wondering how I feel about it, how it was and the biggest question will be if I regret it.   Even if I never talk to R again which is hardest part because I really do like him as a person even if he and I have had moments of true dislike for each other during our breakup, but I always liked him and I do enjoy spending time with him I always have and I always will, but even if I never speak to him again and last was our farewell to each other or his moment of needing something I could provide I still wont regret sleeping with him.     R and I didn't just have sex last night, we slept together as well.   He and I had at one point tried to just have sex, but we always ended up sleeping together afterwards which is funny because I have usually been the type to leave and to go to sleep alone with him I don't think that was ever really an option.       I am writing all this down so if he doesn't call and I never speak to him again which is something I will deal with if and when it happens I can look back and read this.  I will be able to remember what it was I felt.  My feelings on the subject are haywire.   In one sense I think about the past and how bad it got, but i remember why it got bad and what caused it, i also remember the good times.  I have no doubt in my mind that last night triggered something in me and left me remembering happy times I spent with R and knowing that I wont ever see him again or ever talk to him makes me sad,  and I know if he does call with the way his friends feel about me and the way my friends feel about him makes me sad because R is someone who tends not to listen to himself but rather what people put in his head, though I have a feeling he has gotten better with that.   Even with knowing these things and feeling sad should it happen I still wont regret my choice.    This is my hope because I made a choice last night knowing what the outcomes possible were and I still made a choice.   I could have told R no last night that I didn't think it was a good idea and I could have went home and never have spoken to him again, but then I would have regretted it.  I would have always wondered what the night might have brought and this way I wont have to wonder.  I will know that whatever the outcome is, be it a final goodbye or the start up of two people who are attracted to each other and have fun together who knows what that will bring if done correctly, but whatever the outcome it  is the outcome made by a choice.  R's choice to ask me to go home with him and my choice to accept.  I don't think I will know what really made R ask me to go home with him though I think I do plan on asking him. One because I am curious and Two because it will answer other questions I may be wondering without actually asking them..   Of course he will know why I ask and he wont beat around the bush, but I have never wanted him to beat around the bush even when it doesn't feel great knowing the answer.   Maybe I wont ask him, honestly I have no idea, but I done thinking about it because like I said I don't have the control and maybe that is not such a bad thing after all. 


  The other thing I have avoided is doctors.   i go to the doctors next week and it is not something I am looking forward to.   I don't talk the doctors anymore because people don't want to hear and mostly I don't want to talk about it.   I will have to get an MRI soon and of course more blood work, but in some ways its good to know things even when its bad news.  I didn't discuss doctors or anything like that with Richard last night, but only because the subject did not come up.    Ive been going back to meetings and I did not tell Richard the reason why I have been last night either, but they have been good for me.  I am actually doing work on myself. Last year I went, but I didn't work at it because I was still focused on a lot of things not believing anything could change within myself.  I am still not sure what is capable of changing, but I am willing to work on it and give it a shot.  Nothing will happen overnight, but the fact that I'm okay with things knowing that even if things don't happen the way I want them to and still being okay with that is a step.  I don't know how okay I will be when or if the shoe drops because those are feelings I don't yet have to deal with, but I am prepared in knowing that yes, it may suck and things may hurt a little and not getting my way may make me want to go crazy, but the trick is not going crazy and that is something I have been working at for a while.  The last time I spoke to R on the phone over a month ago I hated that things were at an end with him and I wouldn't have him in my life anymore, but I accepted it and that alone made it okay.    D a good friend and sponsor asked me this morning how I was with last night and everything and she seems to think R will call even if I have my doubts.  I think anything is possible and good things will happen if we let them, but that doesn't mean it will happen right when you want them to.   I wanted what R and I had last night almost two months ago and it wasn't in the cards so I got over it and just let it be and what do you know it happened not when I wanted it to or when I was expecting it, but it did happen so things do work even if by surprise.    The only thing I am truly upset about it that I was so nervous R and I did not have a night like the ones we have had before and it is entirely my fault this time.   It wasn't bad or anything like that, but it wasn't what I imagined so long ago, I don't know if it was just my nerves or the fact that it had been a while for us so it takes a little time to remember every detail.  I am not worried about it though I don't deny wanting to text R and say sorry to him lol yes, I was that nervous and I was even talking a lot during which is something  I never do.   I don't believe sex is a place where people should talk and I even stopped because I was talking I was so nervous lol...   How that effected R's mindset I don't know and yes, it kills me not knowing, but sadly I cant change that.   The only thing I could ever do is repeat last night and remember all the details I have forgotten lol, but that is something I don't have control over.       I also wonder if I had been with another guy after Richard would I have still went home with him.    I wonder that because he and I have not been with other people since our split though he has dated and I have been asked out though I have not went out just because I wasn't interested, but if we had been with other people and moved on in that way because both of us moved on emotionally, but would we have still hooked up?   I don't think he would have asked me if he had hooked up with someone new, then again I don't know and I don't even know what the reason for him not hooking up with someone new is.   IT could be there has not be an opportunity for him or it could be that he has simply not made the opportunity or maybe he missed me specifically in that regard.   I honestly don't know and the beauty of it is that maybe just maybe it doesn't really matter. :)    I will write again about the outcome to this adventure, and even though this is supposed to be about a single girls life in the dating world and all that jazz sadly I don't really date that, but I do have plans that include people I have dated before so at least I will have something to talk about even if Richard never contacts me again.  

Said Goodbye to R forever...

R texted me back today, he felt a little bad for ignoring me because I told him it was childish and if he doesn't want to talk he just needs to say so.  I didn't bitch or get mad I was very calm and then he texted me.  R whose real name is Richard and seeing as he and I will never talk again and he doesn't read my blog anymore I think it's okay to use his name and I have used his real name once or twice before, I will use it tonight because it symbolizes how final things are between him and I.      Richard told me that our converstation tonight would be our last.  We were simply texting back and forth first and then he called me so we continued to talk for an hour or two, if we counted texts then we talked for a few hours.   When Richard told me that today was the last time we would ever talk I wanted to cry right then and there, I didn't, but it tugged at my heart a little bit considering all that he and I have been through it's wierd knowing that we won't ever speak again.   There have been times when I said I ever wanted to speak to him again, but this                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I DO want to speak to him again, but we won't.  Richard said that it's not healthy for either one of us to keep talking, and he said I deserve better.  I hated when he said that.  Richard is right about it not being healthy what he and I have, but lately it has been healthy because I moved on from him, from the way I felt about it.   I no longer care about certain things, the things that made me angry or hrut me.  There are still things that if I think about it, they hurt, but I don't care in certain ways.   I no longer care to get made and scream or to fight with him.  I got mad last week, but it was because I freaked about seeing him. Richard and I talked about a lot of things what is going on with him that is making him stressed, whats new in his life, how he feels about everything. I have said before when I am mad at Richard that I never want to speak with him again, but want is not an action, and this time there is no anger it is simply fact that Richard and I will never speak again. Richard and I talked about how things went down and the funny thing is I had every intention of never speaking with Richard ever again and then when he told me that it was the definate last time for him i was suddenly filled with sadness.  Sometimes people go off on one emotion they are feeling and don't consider all of their emotions, instead we take the most prominate emotion and it's usually a bad one like anger or fear.  I was always going off on my strongest emotion and it caused fights so tonight when it was said that we wouldn't speak I felt all my emotions and I wondered why with the bad feelings did I suddenly feel the good too and think n, I don't want to never speak to you again.      Richard and I talked about when he left. When I got pregant and he left it broke my heart, but I understood because he and I hadn't been together that long and we certainly were not on that path, and then he came back to do the right thing. I think we discussed marriage briefly, but not really he never asked and I never brought it up.  I won't marry someone just because I am having their kid.  Richard tried to be there and he was physically there every night, but he didn't want ot be and he would be cold, but I paid that no mind telling myself that he would come around and if I did everything right, like cooking, cleaning, sex, and listening to him he would see that things could be wonderful if he let himself the chance to have a little joy, but to Richard he didn't want to come around to it he jsut wanted it to go away.  I would fight with him, and the day I broke up with him was the day that our fighting really started, the point to name calling, insults, and just being mean to each other.   I broke up with Richard because it's what he wanted, but he didn't want to leave and look like the guy who dumps his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child.      Richard kept pushing me o get rid of it and I refused, then he told me how he didn't want it, but he could walk away and leave me the kid if I made him believe that I wasn't pregnant so we made a deal that the next day I would lie to him, he would walk and I would get to keep our child,  I went through with lying to him, but I had never lied ot him and I couldn't do it.  I also wanted him to walk away of his own accord, that way I or anyone else would never be able to tell my child that it is my fault her dad is not around.   So, I told him I couldn't do the lie and Richard once again walked away I heard from him a week and a half later telling me he had talked to a lawyer and he threated to take our baby away from me with no reasons so he knew I would not believe that not to mention he wouldn't try to get custody of our child just because he was mad at me he would only do so if he felt it was best for our baby.   Richard asked me last night if I was pregnant or not because well, he asked me to lie to him and with him walking out so many times I made the choice that he didn't get to be around.   I KEEP giving him chances like I want him there so bad and I give him chances where everything is going great and I think see he and I don't have to be together to be parents.   I shouldn't be giving him chances it should be him wanting to be here, but I only give the chances because I want him here so bad and I know that everyone will miss out.  See, to me Richard was family the moment we found out abotu our baby bug and he and I did lean on each other for support, but Richard even though i know he feels a bond with me he didn't want the family.   What hurts the most is knowing that it is me.   If I had been someone else then Richard would have stayed and he and I did talk about this, and it hurts to know that I am not jsut unlovable to him, but I don't even enter his mind to think about, but I know he does think about me because he said he stopped reading my blogs, but mentioned something I wrote not to long ago.  Now, I know for a fact he has stopped reading them because he amde hsi choice.  Last ngiht when Richard and i talked about the baby i would not tell him if I kept the baby or if there is no baby anymore.  He knows even though I wouldn't say and the reason I wouldn't say is because I won't lie to him, but telling him the truth is hard for me and something I don't want to do, but I told him he could have proof I would take a pregnancy test  for him just like I did when I found out I was pregnant and he needed t see it was real lol he doens't doubt because your body does some wierd things even at the begining of the pregnancy.    Richard had wanted proof for a while and this past week he decided he doesn't even though it eats away at him, he told me he is walking once again only this time for good.   I told him I wanted him to make a choice and have there be no pressure from me or guilt. I wanted him to make the choice himself.    I don't want to say well because of the baby you have to be friends or talk to me because it's not right.     I wanted Richard and i to egt along yes, but i wanted it to be his choice.   All in all things ended last night bitter sweetly.   I didn't want to never speak to him again, but I can't stand the pain of eing walked out on so much and a baby wouldnt understand it.   I know if I had let Richard stay and didn't push him away at times becaus ehe wanted out that he would have been a great father because he is caring.    I told Richard that in the end he got what he wanted Freedom lol and I got our baby.  I tld him I got the better end f the deal and he said probably.             What sucks is loving someone who doesn't love you. What sucks is being scared, but at the same time happy, or knowing that someone regrets their choice even at that moment but won't change it.      I had wanted Richard to say something like wait no, we can do this, or I am here no matetr what.  We can be friends,   See I wanted in my moment or regret and thaat bitter feeling or having to say good a Grand Scene of changed minds and a happy ending.  For Richard and I to be friends and to smile and cuddle and d it together I wanted that MOVIE SCENE but, life is not like a movie sadly and it doesn't work that way.   I have had a movie scene with my husabd who did things so grandly yet very simple and it was great.  Richard reminds me of my husband a good man yet maybe scared f feelings.      I got the better deal, but even though I know I got the best of the deal with Richard, I am not thrilled knowing he didn't get it.  Even though he says he didn't want it, I heard in his voice his regret and I heard the uncertainess thinking perhaps he made a mistake I heard it and i felt it, so I should be happy that I got the best part, but instead all I can think about is Richard didn't get it.    Telling myself he didn't want it does nto make me feel better.   Well that is what happend with richard and I.  No more talking. I didn't want ot stop talking I like knowing that he is always there if I need him but I was it for him.     I don't know if he delted or blocked my number to make sure ofit, but I doubt it because he knows I will respect his wishes unless there is a reasona s to why I cannot, but I will respect him.

 Well I am off to get a massage to help with my swollen feet and the rest of my body that is swollen and sore then I am off to get new furniture to put in my bedroom so I have to do a few things and i idd not sleep last night.   I need ot get ready because I want my massage.