Life changes

Well Lately life has thrown me so many surprises and none of them pleasant.  I lost something which I don't want to talk about but, it was something I wanted more than anything. R and I are on speaking terms though neither one of us really knows why.  Things with my job well they broke the law big time and either my last day is on the 4th or I will stay I have been offered a few jobs making a lot more money but, I kind of don't want to leave my job out of spite like because they did something wrong and I filed grievences its kind of a slap in their face and it will show them not to do it again.   Then again I want to leave for a few reasons like a few people knew things that R and I were going through and I want to leave anything that reminds me of it.   I guess some would say I am depressed because I go to bed almost every night around 7:30 pm unless I work till 7pm then I got to bed a little after 8pm.  I am not eating so I have lost weight and I don't talk to anyone anymore.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to go out or see anyone I just want to be left alone.  I'm sad yes, I am sad.  My life is falling apart and for once it is nothing I have done.   I guess certain things are my fault like letting anyone in my life to begin with because all people do is hurt you and well its so unfair.  I think I have this stamp on my forehead that says " HURT HER"   call her names and say horrible things about her and who cares because it ovbious that she doesn't have any feelings who cares if she has always tried to be kind and doesn't treat people like crap.           I think I finally understand that if I am going to have any chance in life I can no longer speak with anyone.   I have stopped speaking with people and no longer go out with friends or anything in that nature and yes I am a little lonely and sometimes I miss R hell I spent every night with the man for a while so its natural I would think on the good times we had but, It's better if I don't talk to anyone because at least I won't get hurt anymore for so long I kept fighting and fighting always giving the world another chance but, I am finally done.  So what I am going to do is stop.  I will finally give up because I don't think it's worth it anymore and I can't take anymore.  I don't want to be a victim but, to have so much bad happen and to have stupid fat ugly bitches like R's little friend who he has the hotts for to talk shit about me when she doesn't know me.  Actually R and I wont be speaking ever again.  HE is now seeing someone. This happened while I took a break from writing this because I was crying.  There is no reason to speak with him anymore.  Yes, he started dating as soon as possible. I have been asked out by a few guys but, I thought it was wrong.  The truth is I always cared more than he did.  He felt bad for how he treated me and for what happened all that I have been through but, I think it was just because he was the bad guy.  I don't want his or anyone else's pity.  So here I sit crying feeling so stupid and I wonder if I will meet someone who isn't a cold and lying mean  abusive jackass.  I wonder if I will meet someone who will be able to care about me like so very few have.   I know I am attractive and I am smart I have so many good qualities but, that doesn't matter if you aren't good with people.  The truth is for all the loud and crazy things that come out of my mouth I am actually shy.  I never knwo what to say to people.   Most would say it's because I don't know who I am but, I do.  The problem is I have a hard letting anyone see me for me.  When you let people in they just hurt you.  I have had enough of people not being able to care of love me.  So this single girl is saying ENOUGH. Enough dating hell R was the first guy I dated if you can call it that in years and it was a HUGE bust.  I put my faith into people that I shouldn't. I should have learned not to try and be with anyone else a long time ago.  It doesn't matter that he and I connected at first and how sweet he was or hwo I have texts telling me how he feels mroe connected to me when he looks into my eyes which is ALL BULLSHIT.  I feel like my life right now is the most horrible of country songs.  I have lost so much so soon.   I weaker person would take the knife and slit their wrists right now but, I know how that would hurt my family sometimes I wonder if I even care anymore.   Why does it hurt that R is dating someone because all the things he is doing for this new girl that he just met he never would have even though of showing me that kind of respect.   What do I have a neon sign that lists how I don't deserve things that I do?? The fact that he is so happy with the way things ended when I was the one who was hurt so much and I am not speakin gof our break up but, of something else that I just can't deal with and talk about right now it is so unfair.   I want him to hurt to because it would show he cared but, after months of spending almost every ngiht together he didn't.  He wanted to meet my family something I didn't want him to do and he kept doing things that was bullshit because he really didn't care as he has told me and as he has showed me.    Its not that I want him unhappy but, why should he be allowed to talk about me to all his friends and say horrible things and accuse of me of nasty things when I have vented on here but, no one knows him and to my friends well they got mad that I kept sticking up for him a bad habbit I learned long ago with my ex Calvin who was NOT a very good boyfriend always cheating on me and always being mean yelling and if I cried he yelled more.   The truth is I have nothing but, a bad string of realtionships behind me and I am the common demoniator in that equation.   There is one wonderful man who loved em very mcuh and I him until the War but, after that it has been nothing but horrible things and I usually date men who are unemotionally avaliable R I did not knwo at the time that he was I had made progress but, it seems there is a radar in my body that finds guys who arent avaliable emotionally and it ensures that I will be hurt so I never really have to try and I wont fall in love and I wont lose that love.   This time I had waited a long time before trying ot date anyone and I worked very hard and it still blew up in my face I still lost. Now every relationship can't work out as we all know but, damn it can't all be abusive and horrible can it?    I was angry at Richard for the things he said about me and to me and letting his friends say horrible things about me and I said mean things to but, I never hurt him.  I was never able to hurt him because he didnt care and with that I find that it makes me better when I am better than he is.