Anger subsided and Memories Flood Back

Yesterday  I wrote about how pissed off I was at R.   I was so angry I wanted to spit nails though after some time by myself I got over most of my anger.  Please, don't get me wrong I still can't stand the guy and I think he is a piece of shit but, I just decided it wasn't worth getting mad over because I can't control someone else's actions and I don't want to try.  If people don't know how to be kind and a good person then they just aren't worth my time.    
I spoke with my Grandma last night.  She has been declining steadily of late and I haven't been able to speak with her in a couple of weeks due to her doing so bad.  My father and his brothers are with her now.   She asked me when I was coming to see her.  She said she thought I would be there.  She did not say this to my brother or anyone else in my family that I am aware of.   It doesn't mean she doesn't want to see them it just means that I feel horrible that I am not there but, my dad doesn't want me there yet.   He doesn't want me to see her that way.  
I got to make her laugh one time when I told her she had to play cards with me because her and my dad's game was Rummy then my dad taught me and it was three generations at her table playing Rummy and there was even a time before my Great Grandmother or Granny as I called her was at that same table so we had Four Generations.   There is nothing like family but, I was able to make her laugh when I said I was going to kick her ass at cards.  The truth is that she remembers me and all the times I have shared with her like when she first had cancer going to see her and painting her toe nails as I told her I had to because no one else would touch her nasty ass feet and she would tell me about pedicures and this was not a women who was big on spas but, always had her nails painted and her hair done.  My Grandmother is a tiny women. I got my height from her at only Five Foot one ince I am one inch taller but, she is meanier and is a lioness.  I only hope I have half of her strength and it is strange for me to notice her weak because I only know her strong and proud.  I would gladly give her some of my strength but, now is her time. She will probably go into a coma today as she can no longer swallow. Granted she probably wouldn't know how to play cards but, the memories are there. It's funny how you forget things little good things and then when someone is gone you remember them and you smile.      I guess I have a bit of that where R is concered because there was a point where he and I were not fighting and we were pretty happy.   We pretty much made love and spent our days laughing though I guess I was always a bit mroe serious.    He never could open up to me and I wouldn't allow him in the way he thought he could be let in.   I think it hurt him to hear I am not in love with him and never will be.   How could I?? 

    I always forget little things that fill up our life in bewteen the stressful and hard times but, those little good things make up a lifetime of wonderful if you can see it.   My grandmother told me life is what you make it and I refuse to make it harder than it already is.  I had an Appt today and everything is fine.  With death comes life it's a circle and a damn hard one at that but, it's the way of the world. I would rather be a stream constantly flowing and moving with my energy than a rock that stands still on the side of the river never moving and never changing. 
   I wish I had gotten a hold of my sister last night so she could speak with my Grandma.  I called every number she has and left message after message and was never able to get a hold of her which will break my Dad's heart because he wanted to make sure we all got a chance to say goodbye.   
   Goodbye is a hard thing to say to anyone. I guess that's why when my grandma knew I wouldnt get there in time before she died and we know that she will never play cards again we say these little white lies to make saying goodbye easier because it feels better when we think it's not goodbye at all but, while white lies can be good we cannot lie to ourselves and there will be pain no matter what but, with the pain is memories of a life time fileld with a lot of love and that love is what makes saying goodbye easier.
   These are the memories

PIECE OF SHIT MEN

Okay well R and I are no more.  I have to say that the reason I broke up with him over a week ago is because he was verbally abusive and even grabbed my wrist trying to take MY phone away from me.   At this time I FUCKING hate him!   He then told me stories of tracking down a woman who he gave money to in order to go see him then didn't.  He drove to PN we live in MD and when she didnt live where he though he was able to get her forwarding address and tracked her down and scared her to where she wanted to call the cops.  Hmmm does this guy sound like a prince or what???  I'm going to say WHAT??!!!    He is what I would call a pice of a shit. I can't even call him a man because he is not a man.  He runs from his fucking resposiblities. He just wants everyone to clean up a mess he helps make and then he is a okay and if I don't do what he wants when he wants then he makes threats about tracking me down and tries to scare me into doing what he fucking wants.  I got sick of him telling me to lose weight to go run eight miles, telling me that he didn't like having sex with me just to hurt me only to change his mind and say he missed me, having him call me Santa because I wore red PJs and a number or other really shitty things.  
  He gets mad at me for lying ot him when he ASKED me to and then I was afraid of him so I couldnt do it and THAT pissed him off more.    I know there is a part of me that says I am just angry and I will calm down and that I don't hate him and another part of me says I fucking hate him and hope his dick falls off!   Harsh, I know but, after all the times the bastard as made me cry, all the times I have been scared of him , and all the times where he just made me feel like shit and didn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated after all these times I can't help but, hate him.   I do have a part that cares about him and there is only reason why.  Hell he has accused me of sleeping with someone else, he has pretty much done everything that you shouldn't do.     It's no wonder no one ever wanted to be with him,  I wonder if he has ever hurt a female and either didn't get caught or she didn't report him.     He tried to appologise and say he won't ever do those things again but, I know what he is capable of so I know that, that is a lie.   He may try really hard not to be a piece of shit but, its in his nature.   Hell it's his fucking genetic gift.  His father is a Piece of shit and he is basically exactly like his father.      I find guys who are abusive funny.  It shows are truely worthless they are.  Guys who leave when they find out they got a girl pregnant but, after only first trying to pressure the girl into getting an abortion.    Why do they do this?  They do this because they are PIECES of SHIT!      The only plus side to things like that are a woman can be strong and leave the abusive guy and make sure he never says another mean thing to her again or touches her and a child is so much better without a father that doesn't want it.    I have to tell all the single mothers out there Congrats because you chose to do the right thing and love your child no matter what.  You chose to do right and know that a shitty father is NOT better than no father and some day a guy will come along who loves you and your child and be the father you dreamed of.         The SHITTY guys out there will miss out on so much and regret what they decide but, it was by their choice and actions that will leave them wondering and sad in the knowledge that they are the biggest pieces of shit in the world and they have no one to blame but, themselves for losing an amazing gift.       At this moment in time I kinda of hope R whose real name is Richard  dies.    I don't really wish death on anyone but, I do hope he gets what's fucking coming to him karma wise.       Okay I am mad but, thats because I am not scared anymore.   I am not scared he will hit me or come after me anymore.  Now, if something does happen to me HE DID IT but, I think if he tried anything I am pretty sure where my anger is that I would beat the living shit out of him if he layed a finger on me.   I should have knocked him out the first time he grabbed me and pushed me back on the bed to take my phone away from me.   Anyways.   I think my rant is over.   I am pretty much done being pissed off though I am still angry and I still HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS.    I swear to God, May GOD help him if he fucking comes near me!

Life Suck Right NOW Sunday July 17 2011

Well, we got the call Saturday July 16th 2011, about my dad's mom. My grandma is a lifeless shell and my father leaves tonight for California to go and pay respects even though she decided not to have a furneal.  My dad wants us my mother and brother to fly out there and be with him.  My heart is breaking for him as I am not good when it comes to death.  I go into the mode of making phone calls and videos montages for my family with sad sappy songs and I usually write something profound or sweet about the realtive.  To see my father who is a rock so sad breaks my heart.  I have seen him cry only a handful of times in life one was sadness due to me being sad another when I was five and hsi sister my Aunt died.  She was around my age when she died and sadly I have a lot in common with her even though she was beautiful.  I am told I have her eyes though my baby cousin really looks like her but, I have lived some of her mistakes.     I am so angry at R. I have let him know and I got a text from him last night asking if I would hurt myself. First I don't believe he would care if I did other than feeling guilt and like a piece of shit.   I have acted horribly bitchy to him out of anger but, nothing I have said to him has been untrue he has done everything I have said and he has been heartless.  He told me all the time he was not completely devoid of any emotions but, I other than crying when he ended things with me the first time I couldn't tell you that was true.   He is calm and thinks he is logical but, doesn't really think of his action or the implications they might have.    Everytime I think I can be kind to him and let go some of my anger he runs off again saying all he does is hurt me and everythign he says is taken out of context or seems wrong.   I hate that he feels that way but, at the same time he has said some stupid things but, it doesn't make him stupid.   I am too good for him and I know that now.  I said I broke up with R when in my previous blogs R and I were simply FWBs it got complicated when he came over for dinner to meet my family though I did not really want him to he felt he had to then after we "got back together" things changed and he started staying pretty much every night with me and I would wake up to make him breakfast though most nights he got in way past dinner. No, he never offered to do a dish or anything else even when I was sick though he did rub my back while it hurt and I could see he was trying.   So many bad things at once and I want to hold on to something good but, I can't seem to see what it is.  This is where one day at a time takes a play.   I have been asked out by another guy who talks about dinner and a movie and I probably should give him the chance but, I don't know if he is my type hell he is actually intrested in me and knows all about the R thing and still likes me...    I guess after R I feel like my ego and self esteem has been compromised I am not really loving myself right now when I should so I find is so hard to believe when others see the good in me.  Im just used to hearing about the bad and if no one is around to tell me bad things about myself I then tell myself.    My job has no problem with me flying out to California to be with my father but, I don't want to as much as I want ot be here for him.   To see someone you love in so much pain it hurts.    My grandma was probably the nicest to me of all my father's kids.  When I was eighteen and she first got sick I went to see her and painted her toe nails and snuck her outside for a ciggerette which she could smoke in two drags. I was impressed as I had just gotten my independence and was letting my parents see me smoke though they knew for sometime.   When I let to be on my on my own she and I had connected. She made msitakes in my childhood but, came to peace with all of those the sicker she got.   Her passing is a blessing but, still as much as I will help to ease my Father's pain by doing little things that make his life easier I won't be able to talk about it or be near it.  I have been like this about death for a long time.  I guess this is why so many think I am a heartless bitch. I love my Grandmother and have kept calling her over the years though thousand of miles apart but, still it is not easy to deal with mainly because my father is in so much pain and he is my rock.  He is a big guy so strong and so certain and sure of himself a genetic trait I never did get as I take more after my mother.  I will offer playing rummy with my Father as I am the only child he ever played this game with and he and my grandmother played together and as a child I played with them though I never won all those years sitting at her table in her house that really was that of an older person filled with knick knacks that sometimes gave me a headache and my Grandfather's ugly old green Lazy boy chair.  I have beaten my dad only a handful of times as I get older I get better but, Rummy was his and her game and his and mine.   
        Life sucks right now but, my Grandma once told me life is what you make of it and I have made a mess with mine.  I try to be logical and calm and I still get emotionally hrut and I know its part of being human but, being human sucks.    To feel alone is a horribel feeling and right now I feel alone and unsure of myself.   I have lost such a big part of me in the past years as I reached adult hood and I am looking for that girl I once was.   My brother says I have old sad eyes and my mother says I have had too much pain in my life. Some pain I caused and other pain that was life dealing its hand.     I don't know anything right now and I at least have an idea even when I don't seem like I do.    I am just unsure and I hate feeling so unsure about myself when just a few months ago I had been confident in myself.     I am into hyperstress big time.  I am stressing on so many things that I cannot even begin to speak about but, I feel like I can't breathe and I just need to calm the EFF down but, there is nothing than can really do the trick because I can't put my stress onto somebody else.  WHen R was around he sometimes let me do that but, I have to be a big girl now and deal with everything and I wonder when I will break..  Until Later... I need to get some work done as it will distract me because my father is leaving soon and I do not get to say Goodbye to him though he stopped by my job earlier to say goodbye and he loves me.    A person's parents are too special and I forget.    My father and Mother are so supportive and they need me. I cannot imagine my life without my father and I just want to take away his pain because I know it is greater than mine.    Until later.... I need to get some work done now.