Yesterday I wrote about how pissed off I was at R. I was so angry I wanted to spit nails though after some time by myself I got over most of my anger. Please, don't get me wrong I still can't stand the guy and I think he is a piece of shit but, I just decided it wasn't worth getting mad over because I can't control someone else's actions and I don't want to try. If people don't know how to be kind and a good person then they just aren't worth my time.
I spoke with my Grandma last night. She has been declining steadily of late and I haven't been able to speak with her in a couple of weeks due to her doing so bad. My father and his brothers are with her now. She asked me when I was coming to see her. She said she thought I would be there. She did not say this to my brother or anyone else in my family that I am aware of. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to see them it just means that I feel horrible that I am not there but, my dad doesn't want me there yet. He doesn't want me to see her that way.
I got to make her laugh one time when I told her she had to play cards with me because her and my dad's game was Rummy then my dad taught me and it was three generations at her table playing Rummy and there was even a time before my Great Grandmother or Granny as I called her was at that same table so we had Four Generations. There is nothing like family but, I was able to make her laugh when I said I was going to kick her ass at cards. The truth is that she remembers me and all the times I have shared with her like when she first had cancer going to see her and painting her toe nails as I told her I had to because no one else would touch her nasty ass feet and she would tell me about pedicures and this was not a women who was big on spas but, always had her nails painted and her hair done. My Grandmother is a tiny women. I got my height from her at only Five Foot one ince I am one inch taller but, she is meanier and is a lioness. I only hope I have half of her strength and it is strange for me to notice her weak because I only know her strong and proud. I would gladly give her some of my strength but, now is her time. She will probably go into a coma today as she can no longer swallow. Granted she probably wouldn't know how to play cards but, the memories are there. It's funny how you forget things little good things and then when someone is gone you remember them and you smile. I guess I have a bit of that where R is concered because there was a point where he and I were not fighting and we were pretty happy. We pretty much made love and spent our days laughing though I guess I was always a bit mroe serious. He never could open up to me and I wouldn't allow him in the way he thought he could be let in. I think it hurt him to hear I am not in love with him and never will be. How could I??
I always forget little things that fill up our life in bewteen the stressful and hard times but, those little good things make up a lifetime of wonderful if you can see it. My grandmother told me life is what you make it and I refuse to make it harder than it already is. I had an Appt today and everything is fine. With death comes life it's a circle and a damn hard one at that but, it's the way of the world. I would rather be a stream constantly flowing and moving with my energy than a rock that stands still on the side of the river never moving and never changing.
I wish I had gotten a hold of my sister last night so she could speak with my Grandma. I called every number she has and left message after message and was never able to get a hold of her which will break my Dad's heart because he wanted to make sure we all got a chance to say goodbye.
Goodbye is a hard thing to say to anyone. I guess that's why when my grandma knew I wouldnt get there in time before she died and we know that she will never play cards again we say these little white lies to make saying goodbye easier because it feels better when we think it's not goodbye at all but, while white lies can be good we cannot lie to ourselves and there will be pain no matter what but, with the pain is memories of a life time fileld with a lot of love and that love is what makes saying goodbye easier.
These are the memories
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