Well, we got the call Saturday July 16th 2011, about my dad's mom. My grandma is a lifeless shell and my father leaves tonight for California to go and pay respects even though she decided not to have a furneal. My dad wants us my mother and brother to fly out there and be with him. My heart is breaking for him as I am not good when it comes to death. I go into the mode of making phone calls and videos montages for my family with sad sappy songs and I usually write something profound or sweet about the realtive. To see my father who is a rock so sad breaks my heart. I have seen him cry only a handful of times in life one was sadness due to me being sad another when I was five and hsi sister my Aunt died. She was around my age when she died and sadly I have a lot in common with her even though she was beautiful. I am told I have her eyes though my baby cousin really looks like her but, I have lived some of her mistakes. I am so angry at R. I have let him know and I got a text from him last night asking if I would hurt myself. First I don't believe he would care if I did other than feeling guilt and like a piece of shit. I have acted horribly bitchy to him out of anger but, nothing I have said to him has been untrue he has done everything I have said and he has been heartless. He told me all the time he was not completely devoid of any emotions but, I other than crying when he ended things with me the first time I couldn't tell you that was true. He is calm and thinks he is logical but, doesn't really think of his action or the implications they might have. Everytime I think I can be kind to him and let go some of my anger he runs off again saying all he does is hurt me and everythign he says is taken out of context or seems wrong. I hate that he feels that way but, at the same time he has said some stupid things but, it doesn't make him stupid. I am too good for him and I know that now. I said I broke up with R when in my previous blogs R and I were simply FWBs it got complicated when he came over for dinner to meet my family though I did not really want him to he felt he had to then after we "got back together" things changed and he started staying pretty much every night with me and I would wake up to make him breakfast though most nights he got in way past dinner. No, he never offered to do a dish or anything else even when I was sick though he did rub my back while it hurt and I could see he was trying. So many bad things at once and I want to hold on to something good but, I can't seem to see what it is. This is where one day at a time takes a play. I have been asked out by another guy who talks about dinner and a movie and I probably should give him the chance but, I don't know if he is my type hell he is actually intrested in me and knows all about the R thing and still likes me... I guess after R I feel like my ego and self esteem has been compromised I am not really loving myself right now when I should so I find is so hard to believe when others see the good in me. Im just used to hearing about the bad and if no one is around to tell me bad things about myself I then tell myself. My job has no problem with me flying out to California to be with my father but, I don't want to as much as I want ot be here for him. To see someone you love in so much pain it hurts. My grandma was probably the nicest to me of all my father's kids. When I was eighteen and she first got sick I went to see her and painted her toe nails and snuck her outside for a ciggerette which she could smoke in two drags. I was impressed as I had just gotten my independence and was letting my parents see me smoke though they knew for sometime. When I let to be on my on my own she and I had connected. She made msitakes in my childhood but, came to peace with all of those the sicker she got. Her passing is a blessing but, still as much as I will help to ease my Father's pain by doing little things that make his life easier I won't be able to talk about it or be near it. I have been like this about death for a long time. I guess this is why so many think I am a heartless bitch. I love my Grandmother and have kept calling her over the years though thousand of miles apart but, still it is not easy to deal with mainly because my father is in so much pain and he is my rock. He is a big guy so strong and so certain and sure of himself a genetic trait I never did get as I take more after my mother. I will offer playing rummy with my Father as I am the only child he ever played this game with and he and my grandmother played together and as a child I played with them though I never won all those years sitting at her table in her house that really was that of an older person filled with knick knacks that sometimes gave me a headache and my Grandfather's ugly old green Lazy boy chair. I have beaten my dad only a handful of times as I get older I get better but, Rummy was his and her game and his and mine.
Life sucks right now but, my Grandma once told me life is what you make of it and I have made a mess with mine. I try to be logical and calm and I still get emotionally hrut and I know its part of being human but, being human sucks. To feel alone is a horribel feeling and right now I feel alone and unsure of myself. I have lost such a big part of me in the past years as I reached adult hood and I am looking for that girl I once was. My brother says I have old sad eyes and my mother says I have had too much pain in my life. Some pain I caused and other pain that was life dealing its hand. I don't know anything right now and I at least have an idea even when I don't seem like I do. I am just unsure and I hate feeling so unsure about myself when just a few months ago I had been confident in myself. I am into hyperstress big time. I am stressing on so many things that I cannot even begin to speak about but, I feel like I can't breathe and I just need to calm the EFF down but, there is nothing than can really do the trick because I can't put my stress onto somebody else. WHen R was around he sometimes let me do that but, I have to be a big girl now and deal with everything and I wonder when I will break.. Until Later... I need to get some work done as it will distract me because my father is leaving soon and I do not get to say Goodbye to him though he stopped by my job earlier to say goodbye and he loves me. A person's parents are too special and I forget. My father and Mother are so supportive and they need me. I cannot imagine my life without my father and I just want to take away his pain because I know it is greater than mine. Until later.... I need to get some work done now.
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