R ignored Text

Well, after much thought I decided to go ahead and give in to R. Yes, I still believe he did wrong, but after thinking it through I thought about what was more important, ending things on a positive side and both R and I getting closure or me being right and stubbron.  I figured that even though I believe I am right I also believe that I overreacted in our fight.  I had every right to feel hurt and angry, I have every right to feel whatever feelings I feel, but I don't have a right to try and force R to understand because I don't think he can and I don't have a right to try and make him care if he hurt me because R never will.  I started to believe that R cared abotu me the way I car for him that everything we have gone through and how he was there for me and how I was the ONLY person who was there for him even though he and I always fought and didn't see eye to eye we still leaned on each other and I begun to think that in some ways he cared about me as another human being the way I care for him because he is human.  It's even more than just being in the same species, but because of everything he and I went through even though i am still going through it and he is not I thought that it meant we could care for each other if for only that reason and I do, but I don't think Richard does and perhaps I was stupid to think so, but he said he did then he would say he didn't.   I never though R cared for me in any other way and I know for a fact that he never loved me, but I guess because anyone else would care that he did too and because he said he did, but I don't know if it's true and it probably isn't I am just not sure.   Actually I do think in his own way he probably did in a certain way, but I don't think he knew how to handle anything just like I didn't know how to handle it.       Anyway so I gave in and I texted R.  I said, " Hey" then after no response I told him I assumed he didn't want what he had asked for or closure or anything else.  I also told him that he can never say that I didn't try or blame anything on me because I was breaking the silence.  He still didn't response and so my last text was me telling him that I wished things could have ended more peacefully and that I wanted to do what is right and let him know everything and give us both peace of mind.  I finished the etxt by telling him I was taking the highroad and I wish him well.     No, he did not say anythign back, but I didn't expect him to.   Some of my friends wanted me to tell R a few things and thought I should and I kept thinking I couldn't and shouldn't, but then after I overreacted on our fight last weekend I thought about why I wanted to get out of seeing him so much and what that was doing to me as a person and then I thought about everything that R has done.  i thought about how R did try to be supportive and while I got angry and called him names and he would call me names or say something cruel I would be mean right back.  I thought about how he has a good side too and how I have my own bad side one that R has seen many times, but I have a good side too and that is something R has seen as well.     I think the only reason I texted R tonight was because I do want to tell hi everything and I wanted to tell him in person even if it's soemthing I was not looking forward to.   The thing is I ept giving R chance after chance wanting him to just prove to me that he wouldn't be mean as soon as something he didn't liek happen.  When R and I got in our fight he didn't get mean.  I wasn't mean either, but I was unreasonable and I was really angry that he didn't care if he hurt me.  R didn't call me a name or say anything mean yes, he was insenstive, but he wasn't mean at least not purposely like he has been in the past.      When I texted R tonight I was giving him another chance, but perhaps it was me who needed the chance.    I don't know anymore.    I know I should appologize, but so should he and I don't like feeling like I need to appologize and that if I do the other person who should say they are sorry too won't say it.     I think that is where I am wrong, because an apology doesn't mean much if you expect something back, but I HATE that I am the one to have to bend and he gets to sit on his pedestal all high and mighty doing what ever he wants with no consequences.    Some of my friends think I am stupid that I should make him pay for at least half of some stuff, but I don't want that.    R did offer to pay for the thing he wants and I never even thought about that.   Yes, I probably should make him pay, but that is not my style.    I don't know if I will change my mind, but I doubt I will.   Yes, it kind of hurts that he goes on ignoring me, but I am not surprised because that is just how he is.  It's childish and stupid, but R is a little younger than me.  He is a grown ass man, but based on his actions in the past you would think he were in high school.  He is a grown man and he does grown up things, but some of his actiosn are childish then again some of my actions are pretty childish too.    My actions have been more emotional than childish lol with good reason, but still I have acted like a child too.   I did text R that I was sorry and I did wrong about over reacting jsut thinking about him makes me cry.   When I think our fight I start crying because it makes me think how bad it feels when he hurts my feels, how bad it feels when I think about all the things he has done, and I think about how bad I feel how things went down and what I have done.  I think about how bad I feel thinking about the future.    Sometimes when a person has done wrong they can't fix it no matter how hard they try.  Sometimes when someone hurts someone no matter how badly the other person wants to forgive they just can't because the wound is too deep.  Maybe my wound is just still open.  I do know that it would be wrong of me to say that R is a deadbeat or any other names because of the choices I have made.    Then I think that R is not a stupid guy and is doing exactly what he wants and he sees things for how they are.    I don't know what to think anymore.  I do find it funny that R wanted me to text him first when I had calmed down and when I do he decides to ignore me.   Even when I take the high road.   Nothing will ever been good enough to please Richard and the funny thing is I am too good for him.  I get so sad thinking about things and how I have to tell the truth and say that I did wrong, but I was too good for him and how he didn't care and hwo I have to tell every sorted detail.   I can't aviod telling the story and how I wish I could.  Someday I will have to tell everything and it's not fun to say all the things I did wrong or to bad mouth R.  I guess it's not bad mouthing if it's truth.  Well, so readers now you know that I tried to make peace and be the bigger person.  I tried and R wasn't intreasted.  For my close friends that read this I am saying that R does know everyhing because he isn't fucking stupid and he really doesn't care.   So, I guess now I can have peace, so then why i don't I feel better?   Did I just let myself off the hook? Did I really try hard enough?   I think I did, maybe I could have done more, but if R isn't willing to speak to me or to make even a little effort when I bit the bullet than I can't force him.   Anyway so once again I am crying which happens a lot and I have to pee so I am going to pee and then I am going to lay down to go to sleep.  Goodnight readers, and Sweetdreams 

Needing a grove

Lately I have been feeling blah, but it's more than just blah, because I feel a hunger in me like a need not being met.  I can't really put my finger on it, but I am going to take my own advice, The advice I have given many women. When a woman feels blah or not exactly the best especially when not in a realtionship then she as a woman has to do something to change it.  Everyone knows that when they meet someone that gives their life new and exciting possibilites we feel wonderful.  In every single one of my realtionships even with R and he and I weren't exactly together when we first started out, but in every single realtionship or even just meeting a new guy I was filled with butterflies and so much excitement because it was something different.  We as humans live pretty uneventful lives. We do the same things over and over again and even if we mix it up and try something new we still go back to the same jobs, the same friends and people, and we have to maintain every thing in our lives.  We do our house chores and laundry, we go to work, school, and some days we will meet new friends and people, but the majority of our lives don't chane, and when we notice how everything feels the same we start to feel mediorce and blah.   So, the only way I can see changing how I feel is to dye my hair and get it cut, perhaps change more about my apperance and do anything to get me out of my funk.   The first thing I am doing is cleaning out my room.  I have pulled everything out of my closet and drawers in an attemp to throw out things that have been cluttering my life and mind.  I keep a lot of old mementos in order to always be able to look back and as hard as it is for me to throw things away like pictures and letters I think now is the time.   I saved a couple of things from my realtionship with R and I am throwing those things out as well because it's not healthy for me to keep things.  It's not unhealthy to keep mementos as I do have an old hat box that is beautiful in which I keep certain things that I will probably never throw away so some day I can show my child, but sometimes when we keep things we hold on so tightly that it doesn't leave room in our lives for new things or people and if your life is cluttered then your mind becomes cluttered as well.    I want things to be fresh and new. I want things to be exciting again.  I do like somethings to be unknown in my life even if at other times I am freaked out by it.      R never did contact me and that is his choice.  I do want to contact him really badly and tell him a few things, but I won't.  I don't want fight and I hate that I have to give into everything and he can't even be the one to intiate contact when he wants something.  I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does because I guess in my mind it makes me feel as if I am always the one to do everything just like when he and I were together.   R isn't a bad guy, but I just don't think it's fair and I want things to be fair because when he and I were together they were never fair.  I guess I keep thinking that because R and I are no longer together than things can fianlly be equal.  R did nto always get his way, but most of the time he did and if he didn't than it was all abotu me.   Things were never equal between R and myself it was always more for one of us and I want it to be equal.   It's even more than things being equal I want to feel respected and R just won't give me any respect actually he can be respectful and usually is, but he doesn't respect me and won't give me the respect I deserve.   R will be courteous and he won't bad mouth me as far as I knwo, but I think and I am fairly certain that he does talk shit, but none of that bothers me.  Even though he can be courteous and not call me a bitch or other things.  HE won't give me the type of respect as far as not be controlling and make me contact him when he wants something.  R will never respect me though he can act respectful if that even makes sense because when it counts he doesn't respect me.  I guess that makes sense because as a person I'm not sure I respect him, but I respect him more than I should.   I don't think he's a bad person and even with his actions that are mean and even now thining about everything I cry my eyes out I still don't blame him because I put myself into the sitution where I let him treat me certain ways and do certain things.   HE wasn't all bad there are pleanty of times when he tried to be supportive even though he didn't support me. He would try a lot of the time and yes, he hated every minute of it and showed me just how much he hated me for it.  The funny thing is R hated me for something that isn't my fault.  He actually would take mroe of the fault than me, but I don't liek thinking that i like ot think that he and I were both to blame he just didn't think so because in his eyes it was easier to just blame me for everything.  I have been blaming R for the fight we had last weekend and it wasn't his fault.  Yes, he changed his mind and it hurt me because to him everything was a game, but the fight was my fault because I took everything he has done in the past and I felt it at that moment.  I think its possible I wanted the fight so I wouldn't have to face him so he couldn't see me as I am now.  I am not sure because I don't like fighting with him, but I do think I overreacted a lot.  I should have just told him fne whatever and even though I was angry and hurt because he has done it so many times before that I should have stayed slient because it doesn't matter to him. My feelings will never matter to him I will never matter to him and I need to learn that getting ngry and fighting him won't change how he treats me.  I can't control his feelings or actions only my own.  I couldn't make R be involved and so I made my choice and I made sure he wouldn't be.   I don't know if that is the right choice, but I think it's too late to change any of that.     I do know that I feel blah so my room is being cleared out and  I am going to get my hair done.  I am going to have a cleaning night than a beauty night.  I guess  I could go to a party, but I am starting to really feel out of place at parties.  I think that I just can't fit in right now in life at places like bars or parties.    Well, I need to head to the store and grab a few things than I am going to have a night filled with cleaning, a bath than shower, hair dying to get it cut tomorrow and get my nails done as well.   Helpful hint to women who dye their hair.   If you dye your hair a lot like I do for touch up then it's best to use amonia free dye because it does less damage to the hair and it's get for pregnant women because it's not horrible for the baby and as long as you make sure to not touch the sclap, but to get as close to the roots as possible it's perfectly safe :)    For everyone else not pregnant still getting close to the roots and not touch the sclap is best and much healthy for the hair, but as long as its ammoina free than it won't damage your hair as much as other dyes with more chemicals that will dry and damage yor hair making it brittle with a ton of split ends. :)    Just though I would share a beauty secret especially since I get a lot of ocmpliments on my hair because it is always soft and always smells good.   I always use a Strawberry N Creame   shampoo and conditioner from Suave, but I also add Nexus or Atheno shampoo and conditoner to my strawberry stuff that way I am getting a mroe expensive and richer in protein product into my hair but the cheap stuff has the strongest and best smell.  :)    Anyway enjoy the beauty hint also when doing Mascera take a tooth[pick to yoru eyelashes to avoid clumps.  You can use an eyelash brush, but if you don't have one and are out at dinenr a toothpick works.  It also works if you are broke or cheap.  I got the hint from a drag queen when I was at dinner and had forgotten my eyelash brush. :)   Anyway off to the store I go and sadly people I will probably text R as to what I will say I don't know.  There is still a lot of hurt that I feel form him and everytime I forgive him and move on trying to be nice he does something that hurts me once again so I worry that the only thing I will ever think of when he crosses my mind is hurt.  I don't want to feel or think of hrut when I look back to him. I never wanted that.  I have two options to make peace and give in and get some closure or to just never think of him again, but that is going to be a little harder lol.  I do know that when I look back I own't have nearly as many regrets as R will.   R may not give a shit about me, but in his heart he knows certain things and when he thinks back on me and I will cross his mind of this I am sure he will regret how he treated me.  R will regret things and wish that he could have fixed it of this I am certain.   It will probably even eat away at him little by little.  It wont ill him but there will be a piece that will be eaten away and will fill him with a certain sadness.   I know this because even though I don't care about R and even though he did me wrong I have done wrong too no matter how much I justify it try to change things in my mind it is wrong and I will have a piece that is eaten away from my choices little by little.  The only difference is I get the joy part and R does not.    We will see what happens but for now I am off and away.

Reality sets in and I'm freaking out.

I keep asking myself how one day I can feel joy and look forward to the future and then today reality started to set in and I find myself freaking out.  I even find myself having a panic attack because the anxiety is overwhelming.  I usually look to the bight side of things while always thinking about the logicstics, but it seems that even though I go through everything in my mind today it really started to set in and I can't help think that I don't know what I am doing.  I was looking at my reflection and as I stared at myself in the mirror I saw everything so clearly as if until now it wasn't completely real.   Oh, life is real all right and nothing I do is going to change it.  I have options of course, but the only thing I see is taking responsibilty and own my future.  I keep telling myself that everything will work out and it will all be okay, but I don't know if I really believe that. So many things in my life have gone wrong and I have had to fight every step of the way to keep my mind sane and my soul good.    I think I finally understand R's fears and why he acted the way he did.   I will never agree with how he behaved, but even though I always knew why he did what he did I don't think I ever really understood it until today.    So, today I am freaking out. I am young and the future is a scary thing, but it doesn't have to be.   I don't know if being on my own is what scares me the most abuot the future or if it is the future itself, the unknown.    We as people fear what we do not know, it is why we fear death, but I have never been afraid of death.. I am not one to welcome death or to go out looking for it, but I do not and have never fear it.  I have been in my fair share of situtions where death was a big possiblity and I have even done things where it is a wonder why I did not die when other who did the same did.  Last year I went swimming in a river where people white water raft and i did so without a life vest.  I almost drowned and for a while I was so numb from the adreline that I didn't even get the severity of my actions.  A woman and her daughter did the same thing I did that die and they both died.  Why was I saved and they were not?  IS there some big plan for me something I am meant to still do that I have not yet fulfilled? I am not sure of that and lately I have told myself that the path I am on is what I am supposed ot be doing, the role I am supposed to fulfill.    Today all I fear is fear and on edge.   The fear rises from my abdomen, into my chest, and up to my throat where I choke on it and feel sick to my stomach.   I keep breathing or rather tell myself to breathe because everything will be fine, but I cannot because I am not sure it will be.   I wish I knew what the future held, but like everyone else in the world I am not privy to God's plan nor am I an oracle so I do not have the answers.   What I do know is I will stay strong.  I will always be a fighter even if I don't know what I am doing or what the hell I am supposed to be doing.  Everyone else says I am doing exactly what I should be doing, but I keep thinking I should be doing more.  I have always thought there has to be more.  Maybe there isn't anything more, maybe I am not meant for path that I am on. Perhaps I should change the path, but of that I am uncertain too.    What I do know is that I need to think, but I keep thinking that perhaps this choice is not my alone to make as I always thought it was.    Can I really decide someone else's path just because it coensides with my own?   Is there every a time when a person has a right to make another's choices? Is it right to take someone else's path just because it may complicaate our own?  Like everyone else in the world I only wish I had all the answers.

YUK YUK YUCKY

Well, nothing new happened today. R still has not made contact which I find amusing because it just shows that the guy only want what he wants and if it doesn;t go his way he finds a way to make it his way.  If he doesn't get his way then he decides he wants something else and won't move an inch until he gets his way. So, like I said I don't expect him to make contact even though he wants something he wants to be in control more so he won't make contact first because in his eyes it's giving in.  It's not really giving in, but more proving that he isn't a horrible man who is selfish, but R is not about to act nice or human towards me now if he hasn't ever acted that way.  I have had a lot of guys ask how I could put myself in the place of allowing R to treat me so bad and to hurt me so much.  The only answer I have is that my selfesteem is really low.  I have been through a lot in my life and a lot of the bad things usually involved men, and I thin because of that I am very strong, but my perception on how I should be treated has been warped.  I know how I should be treated and usually I demand that, but if I go into a relationship and then things change it;s very difficult for me to suddenly demand to be treated better.  I usually think that because the guy has changed and starts being abusive and treating me badly that I must have done something to deserve it.  That isn't true I don't deserve it, but because I spent years in a relationship with my ex where he would cheat, hit, and be really verbally abusive it's very hard for me to not get back into the old victim role and allow someone to treat me badly.    I have worked very hard at being strong and not allowing others to treat me as such, but R brought so many bad things back into my head.   Anyone else I have dated since my ex I broke up with them and never spoke with them again as soon as they showed any signs of abuse and even exs that weren't abusive, but didn't treat me as I should be treated I left and I didn't look back.  R is very different because he is so much like my ex that I find it impossible not to be weak and to beg not to be treated badly.  In some ways R reminds me of my husband when he is being sweet.  When R's sweet side is out I find myself enjoying his company and I want to forgive every badthing he has ever done.  When R is mean and cold or emotionless as he likes to call it he reminds me of my ex C.  C was a horrible boyfriend and I went back to him time and time again.  C cheated, lied, got physical, and was cruel.  I went crazy when I dated C.  C drove me to hystrical outbursts where I would jsut cry and cry and he would then yell at me to shut up and stop crying.   For years I didn;t shead a tear and it has only been in the past year and a half that I have started to cry and express myself emotionally.      Anyway so there is no news on R, but something did happen tonight.  I went to store and when I came bac home I sat on the couch and start to feel something walking across my arm it was there where I saw the biggest ugliest scariest spider I have ever seen!!     I started screaming and trying to shake it off me yelling for someone to turn on the light and when the light was turned on it was then that we saw the spider was a BROWN RECLUSE!!!   My dad came down to kill the spider as I was freaking out.   With Brown Recluse spiders you cannot feel the bite and by the time you realise that you have been bitten it is possible that you can lose a limb.   We look up the spider online because I know what brown recluse look like and from the violin shape on the back and the set of eyes ( only 6) in the placement that they were it was ovbious as to what kind of spider it was.    Of course we took all precautions in case I was bitten, but as far as anyone can tell there was not enough time for me to be bitten.  I have no idea how long the spider was on me, but I still think YUK YUK YUCKY.     Seriously I am so freaked out that I can't even go to sleep.   This is not the first time a brown recluse has gotten on me.  About three years ago I was coming home from work and a spider was hidden in the dark on my front door handle and when I reached out I noticed the spider and I had to call to get people to come out to try and spray for the spiders, but there wasn't much they could do.   Brown Recluse very rarely bite unless pressed against the skin by clothes like the spider tonight was, and the spiders stay in dark, dry areas.       In Alaska where I am form we didn't have any spiders or snakes, and frankly I miss it.   If there is anything I get freaked out about it is spiders.  When I was a little girl I would pull the legs off Daddy Long Legs and then my sister started putting spiders on my face while I was sleeping forever tramuatising me.     So here I am awake at 4am after getting home and still I cannot sleeo.  It doesn't seem to matter that I have been clearer of bites I will not be able to sleep/   What scares me the msot is I don't now how long the spider was on me or where it came from.  So again I have eebie jeebies and let's home i can fall asleep and not wake up to spiders o my face. Until later my loyal readers. Sweet dreams  

Secrets....

Sometimes people lie, but sometimes the lies we tell ourselves  can be important. When we lie to ourselves it's important because if we admit the truth to ourselves it leaves an opening to admit the truth to other people. If we admit the truth to other people then we have to change the facade that we put on, we have to change what we ahve worked so hard to hide and be who we truely are, the person we hide from everyone.   I don't know if screts are bad are good. Some say secrets are bad, that they eat away at our souls.  Some say that the only secrets that are good are the short term secrets, the ones we tell people eventually like surprises that will soon be reveled.  They are secrets that two people hold together, a group that hold shares one and of course secrets that  are just for oursslves that we hold close to our hearts are dare not utter a word.   What they all have in common other than the secrets that soon everyone will know because it's a surprise is that msot secrets are held out of fear.    I think we lie to ourse;ves we are not really unaware that we are lying to ourselves we usually know the truth we just choose to keep it a secret, but I don't think a person can really lie to themself because its not that we don't know the truth we just choose to keep it a secret always afraid that we will have to change what we hve worked so hard to hide form the world, who we really are.       I have a bunch of secrets right now, things I choose to keep hidden one in particuliar that I have worked hard at keeping  a secret because I hold it dear to my heart and I don't want to lose it.   I don't why this is on my mind secrets ans lies because I hate lies.   I always try to be honest and though I have lied in the past month or so it was usually when someone asked me to lie to them or when I lied on my own it was of course because to admit the truth would make me have to change or lose things in my life that I am not willing to do and so I hold things close to my heart and yet, I am okay with that.         
   Anyway, i actually slept.  I went to bed early this morning and slept the afternoon away, I did wake up once, but I fell back to sleep and it was nice.  My back hurts less and my body is no longer as swollen or achy.   I still have not spoken with R and I still maintain that I will not text or call him first.  Too many times have I mde the first approach and since he wants something from me I feel like he should put a little effort into it especially since what he wants is something I am not thrilled about, but I agreed becuse I put myself in his palce and I understood how he would want piece of mind.   I told R before that if it wasn't done this week I wouldn't do it because I want everything over and done with yet, he pushed the time limit over and over again, but if it is not done this week I have no intention of speaking ot him again.   I don't think I'm in the wrong I figure if someone wants something from a person and it's something that the person doesn't want to do yet, they are willing to be nice then the person asking should accomadate and make sure they do it in the time limit given especially if they know what thye are asing is not easy.    R says okay then I won't ask, but then he always comes back a few weeks later and says no, I thought about it and I want it.   R is filled with games abd he loves to change his mind always hurting someone and confusing them, it's just not right.   I told him I have plans on Friday, but I did not say I wouldn't give him what he asked for and so, I told him if it wasn't done now it won't be done at all.    He figures I will break first and text him, but I won't because I am through giving him any control.  The control he loves ot have, the control he uses to hurt me with.                 I hate that I fought with R and sometimes I think I overreacted, but after talking about it with a friend, I was told that I wasn't in the wrong that he is full of shit and after his actions from when we were dating and after we broke up it is not unreasonable why I would be hurt and angry especilly after I am the one being nice and trying to not fight.   I was thinking things would be better if we were on good terms.   I won't say why I want to be on good terms with R because it's not that important, but what is important is that I made my choices and I don't regret them.     So here I am finally rested with a little bit of sleep, my house is spotless, and I feel at a loss.  I keep thinking that there is something more and bigger.   I know my life is heading on to hreat things and the roles that I am to fill are important and I embrace them, but for now I just keep waiting and I am impatient I always have been.    I don't much to talk about because not much is going on.   I keep thinking about dating, but I don't think it would be a good idea right now lol and I am kind of sick or the parties though I do like my neighbor and I don't mind going to he rparties, but sadly the last one not a bunch of people showed up and sadly the people I do like weren't there well, some were, but I don't know them to well and mainly it was a couple of bitches that I couldn't stand lol and I don't like going to her parties unless the people I do know and like are there because I hate the bitches who look at me all judgy and mean.   Well like I said I have nothing to really write about because I was sleeping YEAH sleep and when I sleep I am not very interactive with the world and therefore I don't do to much, so I have nothing really to talk about.  FOr now, I am going to watch T.V and catch up on the shows i missed because I was to tired to pay attention so i have no idea what is going on.   Oh and I have to go to the store because I had two boxes of ice cream bars the chocolate eclair and strawberry shortcake which I love, but my brother ate them all I don't know if he ate them all by himslef or my parents helped him and they offered to replace them, but lately any time I buy anyting and I say just ask nobody asks and them eat them.  there was otehr ice cream but, my stuff is always eaten.   My family actually brought me dinner home for me, they even called ot find out what I wanted, but when they came home and I heated it up my mom then ate it.  Yeah they finally do something nice so it's all bullshit.   I kind of give up it's not worth getting upset over it anymore because it will never change.   I will never be treated kindly or with consideration by my family and I will always be the only person to do everything.  They can say they are sorry and say thank you a million time, but they will never show it because I act like a doormat.   I am even at the point where I don't care if my mom is sick and begs me to stay.  I figure that at a certain point I can be a heartless bitch.   Well, I want my freaking ice cream so, I am going to the store before it closes.  

Calmed down a bit.. overreact?

Every Since I got in a fight with R I feel a litle bad about it, but just a litle.  I keep wondering if I overreacted towards him. Now, I had every right to be pised of at him and yes, he did hurt me, but I son't think I should have goten that mad because he doesnt mean shit anymore. I wonder if I got as angry as I did because I was looking for a way to get outta seeing him. I also think I got pised because R was getting erything he wanted from me, but when I asked for something small he wont do it because he likes the control. I dont think I overeacted but I do think that he and I made it a bigger fight than it neded to be. I told R that I needed time  to think, I am always the person to reach out and text him first to try and talk and get along, but he doesn't do shit and I am just sick of it. I am so tired. I have not had any rest and I need some sleep , but sadly I cant sleep because I have to much to do.  I have no idea what wil happen this week, but I do know that I am sick of being the better person and making an effort to get along with R. Now a part of our fight ay be that I couldnt have my way but not really because R never makes an effort to gie me my way or to make things easier. I am always the person who has to make things easier and it sucks because I am the one who has ben hurt not R even though I wish he had ben hurt a litle bit not because I want him to hurt I don't, but I do want him to know what it feels like. One of the reason R is single is because he is selfish. Everything has to be about him and how he is. I dont want everything to be about me, but when things are harder for me than for him I do want him to understand that qnd instead he has it so I am the one to have to make al the effort to get along.  I do know that i didnt want to see R even though part of me does and being exhaused and sick may have let me find an opening because if R sees me he may not understand some things and I don't feel like explaining certain things  to him. One of the reason I made such an effort to stop fighting with  R is because I don't want to remember him and I in our bad stage, but rather when I look back or find myself telling the story I want to be able to say things were not good and then the last time we saw each other we got along, had a wonderful time, and everything was laid to rest in a peaceful and beautiful way, R wants me to do certain things for him so he can have closure even though I don't want to do it, but I was willig to do it mainly because I couldnt find a way out of it LOL but also because I dont want the bad memories and was willing to do my part, but R is not willing to do his part. R wants what he wants and he doesnt want to have to do anything to get it. To R if he can get what he wants without doiong anythng to make it better than he will manuliplate to get his way all the while saying yes to certain things then saying no when he thinks he has used me enough to the point thqt I will act like a puppy and do whatever he wants because he has made me feel like shit. So now I will wait until he texts me because he needs to reach out and realize that he is the one who wants soemthing from me not the other way around and he cant get what he wants and then still say how he wants it and that it has to be a certain way. NO, he wants something from me so you think he would be nice, but instead he plays games that he has always played and making me feel like crap because he can. R is a selfish guy that does what he wants and doesnt care who he hurts and I am kind of the same way the only difference is I make ammends and try to make things right I also do care that if what I want hurts someone so I make choices and I almost always chose the right thigns which leaves me not getting my way. I did that a lot whenI was with R I was always giving into him except with one thing, but thats because what he wanted is WRONG on moral grounds but everythign else I was always giving into him en when it made me really unhappy and thats my fault so no longer will I give into stuff that I dont want to. I am not with R anymore and I dont have to care about making him happy because he is not my freaking boyfriend and I dont need to give a shit about him anymore. I need to care about me and I keep ging in because I dont want to fight, but R needs to give in and know that he doesnt get to hae everything he freaking wants and he needs to give in and care about someone other than himself especially when all he does is hrut people to get what he wants.  No more being a doormat victim now I am going to be strong because I have to be strong I dont have a choice and the sooner I learn that the more I will be better preapred to take on my future and the role and person I will be in the future. The person I am becoming everyday now.  
 On a positive note my mom is buying me a massage. I get a lot of back pain and have in the past couple months and I was going to buy a massage, but my mom found out and she wants to buy a mini spa day for me, because I do so much and I have taken on a lto in the past couple of months plus my mom knows that life is stressful right now and physically my body is taking a beating everyday lol or at least it feels like that.  They have all sorts of massages and I will be getting a special massage designed just for my specific back and body aches. I am going to get a facial and a pedicure too sometime this week.  my family knows that I do so much and I take up the slack that they dont want to do, but I don't want to do it either and I shouldnt really be doing it , but I want to be tough and push through the fatigue and back ache or being sick like I am right now.  My family especially mom want me to know that they love and support me and they ar proud of me they way that recently in my life I have made good choices. Some people know what I am talkign about more than others and thats okay. R doesn't read my blogs anymore, but some things I don't go into xompletely because I am not ready or because I am not comfortable just yet and I want things but I cant control what anyone else does only how I react and even though the fight with R wasnt our worse fight ever I was pretty calm even though I was crying really hard. I dont think R understands ho wmuch he has hurt me and my self esteem by playing those games ndnd he thinks those games are funny and no big deal like t ohim he is just changing his mind which is fine, but because of how he has hurt me in the past he doesn't need to do it or to talk abotu it. I am sick of openign up to him and trying to get along with him when all he does is hurt me. I will do my best and not fight with him because i cant handle the fighting but I wont be a doormat. He probably wont text me because even though he wants something he wants me to do all the work and though I hate to use the fact that he wants soemthing from me against him im not really doing that I am saying you want something you make an effort because if you cant make the effort to reach out and get along then you dont want it bad enough and him nto getting something is all on him and his actions so hopefully he will get it in his head that I dont have to put up with the crap and he no longer can take advantage of the fact that I am a better person than he. R is not a bad person, but his actions scream asshole and Id like to think taht he isnt and he is just someone who is making bad choices, but I am sick of giving him chances and he blows it so if he doesnt make the effort than that will be the end of it and he wont get what I agreed to do for closure. It doesnyt bother me to never speak to R again but i wanted things to be over and end nicely I dont have to d othat and I wont if he doesnt knock the crap off so GOOD FOR ME!! :)

Cancelled seeing R

Hello people,
                      Well I cancelled seeing R on Friday today.  Why, because he is not someone I want to be around now or ever.   When I broke up with R I did so after the final straw of him saying he didn't like having sex with me. He actually said he didn't enjoy it then proceeded to tell me how how he couldn't enjoy it becaus he felt nothing for me.  I broke up with him when he said those words and not long after he got drunk and tol dme how much he missed me and how he was wrong because he missed sex with with me.  When I realized he was drunk i was angry because as soon as he sobered up he said that it was wrong.   When I broke up with R I told him I would never sleep with him again because he hurt me so bad.  He did so many things to my self esteem and I have to work everyday at trying to remind myself that I am not as fat as Santa Clause because yes, he called me Santa.   I was hurt when he had gotten drunk because at that time I thought if he is saying he was wrong and lied about everything then I could sleep with him again and maybe earn a little bit of my ego back, but it was a GAME to him and he had fun telling me how he was drunk and after he said how wrong he was he told me he couldn't sleep with me because it wouldn't be right then told me that he did mean what he said.   Lately things have been really good between us especially since I joke with him and make it all about what he wants.  Everything has to be about what he wants because he doesn't care what I want. R knows he is a selfish person.  Since lately things have been going so well I wanted to sleep next to him after we broke up there were times when I would hold him or he would hold me. We cuddled until i fell asleep and it never seemed to bother him.  When R started talking about sex this past week and how he wanted to I really started to think about it, but because of what he has done in the past it was hard for me then I decided that it was a good thing like a new start.  Today when I talked to R about sleeping with me just sleep he said that he thought about it and didnt want, but he was still fine with sex.   I have not slept in days and days, and I just flipped.  I asked him what he had planned on doing, to screw me and leave, but to stop and put money on the dresser?    Then he and I both said no to sex.  When we were talking about just sleeping together he said he didnt want to be he didn't grow up that way.  R did not think that saying he didn't grow up that way is in any way a di\g or insult to me, but any moron would know that you are telling the other person that it mesns they did grow up that way and he's better than me.   R is a snob, but I was really trying.    For him to keep coming back to me and saying he was wrong and that he didn't mean the insuts he said only to KEEP retracting them. I was starting to forgive him really forgive him and they he comes back to treat me like crqp again.   While R and I were texting I was crying really hard.  I was really considering sleeping with him after I said I never would again because it would mean my ego coud be lifted just a little and I really needed that boost after all that I have been through and all that R put me through.   I just feel really stupid at how navie I was to even consider it and to agree to it well, I am the dumbest person alive.  I should have known it was just a stupid game because thats all I have ever been to Richard is a stupid game.   He has told me a number of times of how little I mean to him his words are I don't mean anything.  He lies so much in order to not look like the true jerk he is and I give in to him over and over again only because I try so hard to be a good person.  I told him I can't see him on Friday that I have plans, but I didn't make plans because I had planned on seeing him.  I didn't even want to see R. i have lost weight lately since he called me Santa, but my stomach is big. My face looks thinner, but my stomach looks bigger. My mom was making fun of how big my belly has gotten today even though my legs are thinner too. I am basically doing what I can to make sure that R doesn't see me.  I haven't even told R that I am moving. He knows I planned on moving but doesn't know to Alaska. I asked R about whats going on in his life, but he never asks where I am moving to  or when.  I just thought about a lot of stuf and knew I cant see R ever again I think it's just too risky between the two of us and if we se each other it has to be stat and even if its this week I still get nervous thinking about him because I just don't know what's going to hapen I can be super calm ans friendly then he could do one thing to remind  iii 

DYING FOR SLEEP

I have been awake now for about four days straight.  I keep trying to sleep and it won't come, but at the same time my body fights to stay awake.  I find myself falling asleep as I lay down with the tv on. I have tried to lay down with everything off, but it doesn't work, so I lay down with the tv on and I start to drift off to sleep, but within a minute or two I jerk awake.  There are times when I start to drift off to sleep and someone else wakes me up without thinking, forgetting I have been awake for four days.  Without sleep my body swells and my muscles start to ache because everything is swollen and sore.  When a person sleeps their body heals and without sleep the healing process slows down so any booboos as I call them are not healing, like the rash I have on top of my foot from getting stung by a wasp twice the other night.  My face has broken out into acne which is wierd because I have never been one to get acne even in High School when puberty hit I did not get acne.   I recieved a Birth Control shot a little while ago and that is supposed to help with ance as a postive side effect, but when a person doesn't get enough sleep and the body is under stress ance hits.  I have ance for another reason that I won't share, but without sleep the ance I do have becomes worse getting redder with each sleepless night.  Make up can cover it up nicely as the ance isn't too bad just yet, but each day and night that passes that I don't get any sleep the make up covers less and less of my face that is red.   I feel like I am drunk and driving right now is dangerous because I am so tired. I even do the drunk one eye shut to do simple tasks just so I can focus my vision.    Yes, I know that msot are thinking that if I am this tired sleep should be easy, but sadly it's not that easy.      I know the reason for my lack of sleep is beacuse I am scared I will get a nightmare. Lately I have been pretty happy, but I do long for one thing and that is to cuddle up next to someone and sleep.  R will probably be the guy that I sleep next to come Friday night.  I don't want to do what he and I plan to do on Friday, but I agreed and since agreeing I find myself on pins and needles trying to figure out a way to fix it all, but I don't think I will be able to and that is something I will face when the time comes.   A reason I do what to see R is because I have a feeling he will take pity on me and cuddle up next to me allowing me to finally fall asleep plus he and I might have sex and I have no doubt that I will sleep like a baby should that happen.  I won't sleep like a baby during the actual act of sleep  lol, but afterward I should fall asleep nicely because a ton of stress and physical frustration will be gone.    I don't even know if we will end up having sex. Based on some text message converstations that he and I have had I have a feeling that we will end up in bed having sex.   I get the feeling that R misses sex and he especially misses sex with me.   It doesn't mean he misses me he is the same as I am.  I am the last person he had sex with so it's fresh in his mind and because he and I were good together in bed or floor lol he can't help but think about me in referance to sex.  I am the same way. R is the last guy I slept with and I was with him for four months so because it is still fresh in my mind when I think about sex I think about him and since I miss sex of course my mind goes to him.     I hate when people say someone is the best in bed because it's inaccurate.  I have been told I am the best in bed a few times and I always thought it was stupid.  Of course you will think that someone is the best in bed when you are currently having sex with them because it's fresh in your mind.  Only if you truely think about it and have a good memory can you make an unbiased choice.   Also, when you tell someone they are the best in bed usually people are refering to one specific sexual act not all the sex they have had with that partner in general.   When I think about who the best partner I have ever had is I think about all the times I had sex with them and I average it out.  The best sex you have ever had is different from telling someone they are the best in bed.  As a woman when I look to decide who the best in bed is I do not base it on the biggest penis or the best kisser, sometimes it can be how they act in bed.   I have had my male friends tell me that a women's technique may not be the greatest as she may not have perfect rhythm, but she may be enthusatic and be adventous like trying new and different things really making the guy feel as though she can't get enough of him.   I think I fall into the cateogory of making a guy feel wanetd, but I don't think I am all that great.  I have been told that because I constantly move my hands touching and caressing, in addition to try new things.  The new things are usually things that I have done and don't get me wrong some things are just an automatic NO with me, but with R there were a few things he had never done before that wasn't anything wierd or unusal well, one thing was something a little different, but because he had never done these things as he had only been with two females before me and not for a very long time so he didn't get to try a bunch of different positions I was more than willing and happy to ask him if he wanted to try the things he hadn't done and because I am like that I would like to think it made the act more enjoyable for him.   I was never told this by him, but I think it is true because of how happy he got smiling afterward on one partical night when we had gone for a long car ride he said it was awesome LOL..  I felt a sense of pride and it made me happy that my partner was enjoying himself.      So many people don't understand things when it comes to sex.   I have gotten some response about R and I maybe having sex.  Most people think that he and I seem to be in a good place so it won't be a problem.  Only a couple of people think that it is wierd.   They seem to think that it is a no good because of love.  When I explained that he has never loved me they changed their mind and thought it was not a big deal.   It seems that sleeping with an ex is only a problem if the two people were once in love.  R and I have neevr been in love with each other, but instead I have love for him as a person and I respect him.  Because of my feelings and how I respect him almost everyone that reads or has an opnion agrees that sex will not be a problem and they really eased my mind.   there are times when I am not sure if I am looking into things deep enough or if I am being unbiased making a choice based on what I want rather than what is smart.  I have gotten advice and all my thoughts lately are without a doubt based on logic and not based on needs or my wants.     It is 2am and I am still without sleep.  I am going to go drive to the pharmacy and get some HOMEPATHIC allergy sleeping medicine in order to take away this sinus crap and maybe be able to fall asleep.   Not to worry my girlfriends who are reading this.  I am not getting actual medcine, but an all natural remedy.    I will go to the store tomorrow and get some herbs and roots and maybe some nice decafineated tea, but for now the all natural medcine will have to work.   So goodnight all though not for me as I am without sleep.  Can Friday come any sooner so perhaps I can get some cuddles in order to drift off to sweet blissful sleep, but again this all relies on if R is willing to lay next to me and help a friend out.   I think if perhaps I can push doing what he is coming over for until the next morning which will be a good idea anyway for other reasons they he will have no problem and perhaps even want to because I think in some ways he does want to.   It is just a feeling I get from the things he says and does.   i don't think he dislikes me as much as he can put off. I think he does care for me as a friend and I think that I don't bug him as much as sometimes.   We will see on Friday what the verdict is. Will a friend be helped out????   Sweet Dreams alls