YUK YUK YUCKY

Well, nothing new happened today. R still has not made contact which I find amusing because it just shows that the guy only want what he wants and if it doesn;t go his way he finds a way to make it his way.  If he doesn't get his way then he decides he wants something else and won't move an inch until he gets his way. So, like I said I don't expect him to make contact even though he wants something he wants to be in control more so he won't make contact first because in his eyes it's giving in.  It's not really giving in, but more proving that he isn't a horrible man who is selfish, but R is not about to act nice or human towards me now if he hasn't ever acted that way.  I have had a lot of guys ask how I could put myself in the place of allowing R to treat me so bad and to hurt me so much.  The only answer I have is that my selfesteem is really low.  I have been through a lot in my life and a lot of the bad things usually involved men, and I thin because of that I am very strong, but my perception on how I should be treated has been warped.  I know how I should be treated and usually I demand that, but if I go into a relationship and then things change it;s very difficult for me to suddenly demand to be treated better.  I usually think that because the guy has changed and starts being abusive and treating me badly that I must have done something to deserve it.  That isn't true I don't deserve it, but because I spent years in a relationship with my ex where he would cheat, hit, and be really verbally abusive it's very hard for me to not get back into the old victim role and allow someone to treat me badly.    I have worked very hard at being strong and not allowing others to treat me as such, but R brought so many bad things back into my head.   Anyone else I have dated since my ex I broke up with them and never spoke with them again as soon as they showed any signs of abuse and even exs that weren't abusive, but didn't treat me as I should be treated I left and I didn't look back.  R is very different because he is so much like my ex that I find it impossible not to be weak and to beg not to be treated badly.  In some ways R reminds me of my husband when he is being sweet.  When R's sweet side is out I find myself enjoying his company and I want to forgive every badthing he has ever done.  When R is mean and cold or emotionless as he likes to call it he reminds me of my ex C.  C was a horrible boyfriend and I went back to him time and time again.  C cheated, lied, got physical, and was cruel.  I went crazy when I dated C.  C drove me to hystrical outbursts where I would jsut cry and cry and he would then yell at me to shut up and stop crying.   For years I didn;t shead a tear and it has only been in the past year and a half that I have started to cry and express myself emotionally.      Anyway so there is no news on R, but something did happen tonight.  I went to store and when I came bac home I sat on the couch and start to feel something walking across my arm it was there where I saw the biggest ugliest scariest spider I have ever seen!!     I started screaming and trying to shake it off me yelling for someone to turn on the light and when the light was turned on it was then that we saw the spider was a BROWN RECLUSE!!!   My dad came down to kill the spider as I was freaking out.   With Brown Recluse spiders you cannot feel the bite and by the time you realise that you have been bitten it is possible that you can lose a limb.   We look up the spider online because I know what brown recluse look like and from the violin shape on the back and the set of eyes ( only 6) in the placement that they were it was ovbious as to what kind of spider it was.    Of course we took all precautions in case I was bitten, but as far as anyone can tell there was not enough time for me to be bitten.  I have no idea how long the spider was on me, but I still think YUK YUK YUCKY.     Seriously I am so freaked out that I can't even go to sleep.   This is not the first time a brown recluse has gotten on me.  About three years ago I was coming home from work and a spider was hidden in the dark on my front door handle and when I reached out I noticed the spider and I had to call to get people to come out to try and spray for the spiders, but there wasn't much they could do.   Brown Recluse very rarely bite unless pressed against the skin by clothes like the spider tonight was, and the spiders stay in dark, dry areas.       In Alaska where I am form we didn't have any spiders or snakes, and frankly I miss it.   If there is anything I get freaked out about it is spiders.  When I was a little girl I would pull the legs off Daddy Long Legs and then my sister started putting spiders on my face while I was sleeping forever tramuatising me.     So here I am awake at 4am after getting home and still I cannot sleeo.  It doesn't seem to matter that I have been clearer of bites I will not be able to sleep/   What scares me the msot is I don't now how long the spider was on me or where it came from.  So again I have eebie jeebies and let's home i can fall asleep and not wake up to spiders o my face. Until later my loyal readers. Sweet dreams