Every Since I got in a fight with R I feel a litle bad about it, but just a litle. I keep wondering if I overreacted towards him. Now, I had every right to be pised of at him and yes, he did hurt me, but I son't think I should have goten that mad because he doesnt mean shit anymore. I wonder if I got as angry as I did because I was looking for a way to get outta seeing him. I also think I got pised because R was getting erything he wanted from me, but when I asked for something small he wont do it because he likes the control. I dont think I overeacted but I do think that he and I made it a bigger fight than it neded to be. I told R that I needed time to think, I am always the person to reach out and text him first to try and talk and get along, but he doesn't do shit and I am just sick of it. I am so tired. I have not had any rest and I need some sleep , but sadly I cant sleep because I have to much to do. I have no idea what wil happen this week, but I do know that I am sick of being the better person and making an effort to get along with R. Now a part of our fight ay be that I couldnt have my way but not really because R never makes an effort to gie me my way or to make things easier. I am always the person who has to make things easier and it sucks because I am the one who has ben hurt not R even though I wish he had ben hurt a litle bit not because I want him to hurt I don't, but I do want him to know what it feels like. One of the reason R is single is because he is selfish. Everything has to be about him and how he is. I dont want everything to be about me, but when things are harder for me than for him I do want him to understand that qnd instead he has it so I am the one to have to make al the effort to get along. I do know that i didnt want to see R even though part of me does and being exhaused and sick may have let me find an opening because if R sees me he may not understand some things and I don't feel like explaining certain things to him. One of the reason I made such an effort to stop fighting with R is because I don't want to remember him and I in our bad stage, but rather when I look back or find myself telling the story I want to be able to say things were not good and then the last time we saw each other we got along, had a wonderful time, and everything was laid to rest in a peaceful and beautiful way, R wants me to do certain things for him so he can have closure even though I don't want to do it, but I was willig to do it mainly because I couldnt find a way out of it LOL but also because I dont want the bad memories and was willing to do my part, but R is not willing to do his part. R wants what he wants and he doesnt want to have to do anything to get it. To R if he can get what he wants without doiong anythng to make it better than he will manuliplate to get his way all the while saying yes to certain things then saying no when he thinks he has used me enough to the point thqt I will act like a puppy and do whatever he wants because he has made me feel like shit. So now I will wait until he texts me because he needs to reach out and realize that he is the one who wants soemthing from me not the other way around and he cant get what he wants and then still say how he wants it and that it has to be a certain way. NO, he wants something from me so you think he would be nice, but instead he plays games that he has always played and making me feel like crap because he can. R is a selfish guy that does what he wants and doesnt care who he hurts and I am kind of the same way the only difference is I make ammends and try to make things right I also do care that if what I want hurts someone so I make choices and I almost always chose the right thigns which leaves me not getting my way. I did that a lot whenI was with R I was always giving into him except with one thing, but thats because what he wanted is WRONG on moral grounds but everythign else I was always giving into him en when it made me really unhappy and thats my fault so no longer will I give into stuff that I dont want to. I am not with R anymore and I dont have to care about making him happy because he is not my freaking boyfriend and I dont need to give a shit about him anymore. I need to care about me and I keep ging in because I dont want to fight, but R needs to give in and know that he doesnt get to hae everything he freaking wants and he needs to give in and care about someone other than himself especially when all he does is hrut people to get what he wants. No more being a doormat victim now I am going to be strong because I have to be strong I dont have a choice and the sooner I learn that the more I will be better preapred to take on my future and the role and person I will be in the future. The person I am becoming everyday now.
On a positive note my mom is buying me a massage. I get a lot of back pain and have in the past couple months and I was going to buy a massage, but my mom found out and she wants to buy a mini spa day for me, because I do so much and I have taken on a lto in the past couple of months plus my mom knows that life is stressful right now and physically my body is taking a beating everyday lol or at least it feels like that. They have all sorts of massages and I will be getting a special massage designed just for my specific back and body aches. I am going to get a facial and a pedicure too sometime this week. my family knows that I do so much and I take up the slack that they dont want to do, but I don't want to do it either and I shouldnt really be doing it , but I want to be tough and push through the fatigue and back ache or being sick like I am right now. My family especially mom want me to know that they love and support me and they ar proud of me they way that recently in my life I have made good choices. Some people know what I am talkign about more than others and thats okay. R doesn't read my blogs anymore, but some things I don't go into xompletely because I am not ready or because I am not comfortable just yet and I want things but I cant control what anyone else does only how I react and even though the fight with R wasnt our worse fight ever I was pretty calm even though I was crying really hard. I dont think R understands ho wmuch he has hurt me and my self esteem by playing those games ndnd he thinks those games are funny and no big deal like t ohim he is just changing his mind which is fine, but because of how he has hurt me in the past he doesn't need to do it or to talk abotu it. I am sick of openign up to him and trying to get along with him when all he does is hurt me. I will do my best and not fight with him because i cant handle the fighting but I wont be a doormat. He probably wont text me because even though he wants something he wants me to do all the work and though I hate to use the fact that he wants soemthing from me against him im not really doing that I am saying you want something you make an effort because if you cant make the effort to reach out and get along then you dont want it bad enough and him nto getting something is all on him and his actions so hopefully he will get it in his head that I dont have to put up with the crap and he no longer can take advantage of the fact that I am a better person than he. R is not a bad person, but his actions scream asshole and Id like to think taht he isnt and he is just someone who is making bad choices, but I am sick of giving him chances and he blows it so if he doesnt make the effort than that will be the end of it and he wont get what I agreed to do for closure. It doesnyt bother me to never speak to R again but i wanted things to be over and end nicely I dont have to d othat and I wont if he doesnt knock the crap off so GOOD FOR ME!! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment