Socially awkward!

I have this problem. I am really socially awkward.  I talked to R yesterday and we made plans to see each other next Friday though I am kind or rethinking on that.  We thought perhaps we would get together last night, but he had plans hanging out with a friend of his and my neighbors were having another party that they invited me to.  The chick neighbor LilC is really nice and sweet.  Her roommate B is kind of cool, and I met a lot of people at the parties I like and can hang out with, but there are also a lot of people I can't freaking stand.  Last night I texted R to see if maybe he wanted to drop off and get what we plan to get done on Friday last night, but he ignored me.  He had told me he was busy and would talk to me later so when I texted him asking if he wanted to stop by I figured he would say no or something because when we made plans for next friday and he thought I meant last night he said it would be last if he came by.  R never even texted me back which is okay.    The only reason I wanted him to come at all was because I would have felt less awkward since I don't really know anyone too well.      I get in these social situtions and I act stupid.   I always end up looking stuck up and bitchy is what one girl called me because I just kind of sit there and I do smile at everyone and I try to talk, but I don't know what the hell to talk about and if I try to tell a funny joke it comes out all wrong and not funny at all.    SO there I sat smiling at everyone and I had brought some stuff because you never go to someone's house for dinner or a party empty handed and I had brought food as last time it was a bunch of booze I also brought sparklers last night and we had fun making some cool pictures, but then the talking and hanging out started and I didn't know what to say.   Some people were playing rock band or Beer Pong and they asked me to play or to sing since my neighbors have heard me sing before and they like the way I sing, but I didn't feel at ease so I said I would just watch.     The one guy I knew other than my neighbor was Muscles who had asked me out and I started teasing him about standing me up and he said he didn't think he had and even though I kept telling him it wasn't a big deal and laughing about it some drunk girl gave me the nastiest look all because I said I couldnt allow myself to go out with him and still expect respect from him, but maybe in the future.   I was really nice about it and yet this girl gave me a dirty look and then called me a bitch.   She had two girlfriends with her and they gave me dirty looks as well.      I have never been good in social situtions.    I always talk way to much and I say things that are wildly inapproiate and I come off as stupid, bitchy, or even a slut.   When no one talks to me then I get really quiet and then I get accused of being stuck up when really I just don't know what I am supposed to talk about.   I asked everyone lots of questions about themselves and I smiled and said that's really neat/cool when someone would say something that they seemed proud of even if I thought they were boring as all hell.    I had hoped R would have came over even though we didn't have plans because now I am freaking out about seeing him next week.   It's not him or how we will be together that has me worried it's something that I don't care to share.   If R had been at the party I would have been able to be myself more.   Actually LilC's dad who is visiting and a really cool old guy is who I talked to most at the party.   Yes, I soent the whole night talking to a guy in his fifties and he was really nice to me.   He could tell I was nervous so he tried to make me feel at ease as did his daughter my neighbor LilC.    I ended up leaving the party kind of early because I was tired and because some chick called me a bitch.  She didn't say BITCH, but she said it in girl tounge.   I said I was kind of proud of being a bitch, but I like to add the word tough to it because it means I won't let people walk all over me.    This was when I was teasing Muscles about standing me up and even though he knew I was kidding for some reason this girl seemed to think that I was being a bitch even though I didn't say anything bad about it.    I'd like to think it was just because she was drunk, but her friend who is a girl i met at the last party is someone I didn't hit off with.   I hit it off with all of the females expect for this sub group of girls who are loud and obxnious.       I didn't make a big deal about the girl being rude and I didn't just walka way and leave.  I finished my cigerette smiled and said goodbye to LilC who gave me a hug as well as some other people giving me a hug that I've met before and I went home.     I don't like to think of it as I ran away because i was also really tired, but I like to think of it as I didn't like being there and I wasn't having fun so I left and I think it's okay that if you try something and are just not happy with it then you can leave.    There is supposed to be another party tonight, but I don't plan on going.  At the party everyone knew each other and we would all be talking and then they would go off talking abotu people I don't know or making jokes that were private jokes all night or jokes that you just had to be there.     Maybe I am not trying hard enough to fit in, but really I think I am trying too hard.     When I get to know someone and I feel comfortable around someone I don't talk a lot, but I can certainly hold a conversation. I also joke when I know someone and i can be funny.   A bunch of people have always said I am just not funny, but when I get to know someone then I am funny because I am more myself.   When I talk to my best friends or even to R since I know R in a more intimate fashion he may not be a best friend, but because we are friendly towards each other and because we know each other inmitaely and leaned on each other for support I certinaly know him. I know how he thinks now the way he processes thoughts because I have seen him try to make sense of a difficult situation.  If R and I had never gone through all the bad stuff we had to then he and I would probably be strangers and we probably wouldn't be talking now, but once again that bond that I didn't want does exsists.   For some strange reason he is ignoring me, but I don't know why.  I would like to think he is just busy, but R almost always texts back and the only time he doesn't is when he doesn't want to talk because he is pissed off.    frankly not talking to him doesn't bother me, but to think he is mad at me or ignoring me for no reason that kind of bugs me because I always wonder what I have did wrong.   It doesn't even bother me if he is pissed at me anymore, but my confidence has taken a turn on the low side because of the stupid party last night.  Lately my self esteem has been increadibly low.   i don't understand.  I do everything in my household.   I do all the cleaning, shopping, driving them paces, and running all the errands including paying for everything.  I actually showed up to the party late last night because my family was out and I spent the time cleaning because my brother and mother won't do it.  I even left the party a time before I left for good because I needed to finish all the work i had done because when my family goes out shopping and out to Dinner whcih they do a couple times a week I usually don't go because they don't treat me very nicely when I clean and then an hour later it's a pigsty again.  I choose not to go because I don't want to be around them and if I go out when they go out or I choose to stay home because I am exhaused from all that I do if they come home and the house is messy then I get bitched out because I don't clean up their messes.  Even when I didn't live here when I come over and stay for a night, the house would be gross and I was required to clean it up LOL yeah it's patheic.   So I cleaned last night and when they came home once again they had said they would to bring me some dinner home as a Thank You for cleaning and they didn't, but I stopped caring about that crap because it's stupid.  My family came home and my brother went over to the party.  Yes, my younger under age brother who doesn't do anything, in chores, grades, or work and he is told to go have fun.  I was at home cleaning and they came in and threw all of their bags and food everywhere.   I don't know why it upsets me so much and I am sure it is stupid, but with everything that has happened in my life in the past month i feel lost.   I am trying very hard to keep happy, but I start thinking about the future and I get scared. I think about how I handling things in my life and I question it all.   I want to push off on seeing R ho just texted me by the way I guess he's no tmad just doesn't care if he texts me back or not so that's cool.  Now, I know that he is where I am that responding or talking to me doesn't bother him, but he can do without and since that's where I am it works.   I am guessing that is how he feels, but he didn't say so.  Since that is how I feel it's good to know. I like talking to R and I love that he and I aren't fighting anymore, and I want to see him in some way, but in another way I \keep thinking I can't see him.  i can't really explain why I feel the way I do, but I do know that I am stressed out in my life and I am going to smile and I am going to go and clean the upstairs even though I am hurt by my family I will continue to keep up with doing all that I can and I am going to try really ahrd to remember that iI can't control other people only myself and no, my family doesn't deserve me doing so much and even they will say they don't like a little while ago they say sorry and they will do more, but then they don't and I lose trust.   My dad wants to pay for me to get new glasses and contacts.  I have insurance I don't need him to pay for anythign, but my parents said that I earned a few things, but I don't want stuff like that.  I am fully capable of doing stuff like that on my own what I want is simple consideration the only thing I have been saying for a long time now.   My dad tells me he loves me and he does what he can to make me feel spprecaited, but the only way they really know how or the easiest way instead of picking up after themselves or doing some grocery shopping or laundry once in a while is that they buy me something or pay for stuff.    I hate that because I AM NOT FOR SELL.   Why do people think they can buy love?   I don't give a shit about money or gifts I never have.  to me the way you show love is with actions.  treating someone nice or doing something nice for them is how you show it.    In my parents eyes buying me stuff is something nice and that shows love.   Buying stuff is nice, but it doesn't make up for name calling or not showing any consideration or respect.      I hate that i feel like I am whining.   Today is an off day.  That stupid party even though noone heard the girl being rude to me and it didn't upset me in a big way I was really mroe tired than anything I STILL have not went to bed in a couple of days.   I feel drunk from lack of sleep and I have even been crying when I hate crying.    I want to be positive, but I am off my game today.  Tomorrow will be a better day of that I am sure.   So until later people i will try and smile and to breathe to let go of my stress, but I can't promise any results only that I try.   Until Later >>> PEACE

A better day after fight and played with R

Today was a better day.  Last night I flipped out on some members of my family.  I do a lot for my family. I always have because when you are family it means something to me. Now, I have people who i am related to by blood, but I don't consider them my family because I don't know them, but because they are blood I still have loyalty to them even ones I don't like. My sister is someone I don't like, but I love her even though she has never been kind to me and has done horrible things to me and other members of my family. My sister is someone I don't even speak with, but I stay loyal to her.  Family members like uncles and aunts that I don't have contact with unless someone dies I am still pretty loyal to them I just don't allow them into my life.   The fight I had was with my mother and brother.  For years I have taken care of my mother.   When my father retired from the military I lived at home and was in college for the first year, but even though my mom was working and my father had a part time job they could not cover the bills so I paid a lot of bills since I had a great job.   I took up the slack.   My dad makes a lot of money now so nobody but him has to work.  I work of course because I am an adult and I still attend school. My mother does not work and she doesn't do anything around the house either.    I am the only person in my house who cleans, cooks, and does the grocery shopping.  At times my mother will go grocery shopping, but it is rare.   I have a brother in High School and he doesn't do any chores.  With work, school, and all of the chores I get stressed and last night I went off.   I am never asked to do anything, but I am told and because I always do it my family never questioned it.    In the past year my family has really taken advantage of me.  I cook Thanksgiving and I do all of the holiday and birthday things for everyone and yet, my family has not given me a Christmas or Birthday present in a long time. My family almost always forgets my birthday even when I remind them.   I have never cared a lot about presents. I don't even really like getting presents. I always loved to give more than I have recieved because I get a certain joy when I know I have done something that means a lot for someone like giving my mother a cedar hope chest like the one her Grandmother Minnie had when she was girl.  I always heard stories about it and how my mom wanted to find one so I gave her one for her birthday that is only a week after Christmas because I gave her a deep freezer than she wanted for Christmas.     I take care of motheer's health like flushing out her IVs or giving her meds and taking her to the doctors. I stay up all hours of the night to put my mother to bed and make sure she is okay while still waking up to go to work, followed by coming home and cleaning before I have to class.   Last night after I had gotten my family lunch they went to dinner, but i had been up for two days cleaning house and picking my dad up from the airport then having to meetings for work and my family knowing I was to exhausted to go with them went to dinner, but when they came home they didn't bother to bring me home something when if I go and get myself something to eat and don't ask if they would like something it always turns into a big deal.   My brother had been acting like a jerk all day bugging me and talking about R and some things   i asked to be left alone and after a few hours I finally snapped and started yelling to leave me alone when it wasn't done and my brother kept at it laughing thinking I would find the joke after I had been damn near crying I picked up some pasta that was almost empty and threw the food at him. HAHAHA     
       I know that throwing food on someone sounds crazy, but it was empty so it was only a few spoonfuls of sauce and it didn't make a mess because I wasn't about to clean anything up.   My family all said they were sorry to me today and they all felt really bad about the things they had said to me and done to me.  There are bigger and meanier things that were said and done to me, but I forgave them and I don't see the need to rehash it.   I told them I was sorry for snapping and they promised they would try harder because they love me and it isn't fair all that I do when I living with them to help and be there for them.  I no longer help out finacially other than paying my bills and rent which I pay only because I choose to and if I couldn't afford it I just didn't pay it like when I had a hospital bill that was due to my family calling 911 instead of taking me to the hospital because I had an infection in my brain yes, it happens so they offered ot pay the bill for the ambulance and hospital stay, but I paid it.   They don't even want me to pay them anything, but it's important to me so I pay and I do everything.  The only thing I refuse to do is take out the trash, but even that I sometimes do though my dad when he is here usually takes the trash out.  I maintain that is a BOY CHORE lol.        

                             I talked to R again today through text of course.  We haven't seen each other in a while so he still hasn't slept with me and he doesn't read my blogs anymore which I think is good.   He and I have been playful towards to each other which is great.  It kind of reminds me of the first night we met.  R and I spent the enitre evening and night into early morning talking and playing around.  It is also the night we first slept together which is extremely unusal for me, but that night I liked him so much.  I remember wondering that night if he and would end up dating because we got along so well and we were attracted to each other.  R and I got along right after that night, but he didn't persue me because I had went off and told him it was jsut sex and didn't mean anything I acted like I didn't like him when at the time I liked him more than I had liked anyone in a really long time.   I have learned that R and I are so much better as friends. Yes, I am still attracted to him and I won't lie that I still have lustful feelings towards the man, but I wouldn't date him again.    I found out towards the end of our realtionship that he is friends with and still hangs out with his ex girlfriend. He had never mentioned this to me and he hangs out with her quite a bit I told him if I had known that I wouldn't have been with him.  I told him this tonight and he told me that she didn't mean anything anymore which I thought the fact he would tell me that to reassure even though we are broken up was pretty sweet.  I don't mean anything to R either, but he I think he reassured me even knowing that its not a big deal to me anymore because he wanted me to know that even though he and I fought and he wasn't very nice to me at the end of our realtionship and I wasn't very nice to him. but he still wanted me to know he didn't cheat.   When R and I were together I always told him when I got hit on and I laughed about it with him usually making fun of the guys. 
                  I always told R when I got hit on for two reasons: one, I wanted R to know that other men found me attractive because sometimes he made comments about me working out and he told me how his roommate thought I was fat and that he didn't think R should be with me because it didn't look good.  Yes, R's roommate is a really big asshole and thankfully R says that he knows now that he doesn't want to be like him.  I really wanted R to know how other men would love to date and be with me because I only wanted to be with R and R didn't really want to be with me.   I don't know how far me wanting to be with him went, but what I do know what it means is that at the time the only guy I wanted to sleep with, cuddle with and date was him.    R is still the only guy i can really imagine having sex with at this time, and I don't want to really date anyone yet, but he isn't the only guy i want to date and i don't even want to date him anymore.  The fact that I still think about being physical with means that I don't like to bed hop and he and I were pretty good in the bed room most of the time.  Towards the end foreplay went out the window and I got really lazy though I sometimes tried to spice things up, but he and I had the best sex at the begining when we first started having sex because we really enjoyed each other's company and we were passionate which is wierd that we did our best when it was just us enjoying ourselves.    The other reason I always told R about getting hit on was because I wanted him to know that he could trust me.  I have been cheated on in the past and it doesn't feel good at all and it's important to me that when i am with a guy that he knows I will tell him and not hid it even if he would probably never know I want the guy i am with to know that I don't cheat.  
                                                                                  Me being upfront with R about guys hitting on me did not stop him from accusing me of being with someone else at one point.  He enver thought it on his own, but his friends did ask him and put the idea into his head which he then asked me and it hurt because when he asked there were some things going on that made him asking hurt even more.    I told R that I knew his ex didn't mean anything to him anymore and I told him why at the time I cared and it's because he had been in love with her, but she broke up with him and kind of broke his heart while when he and I were together there I was the girl he was with and we joked that he and I were living together at the time even though we weren't because I was house sitting and we stayed at that house every night together for a while till we fought and broke up then got back together.  I even ended up house sitting a while after I had broken up with him like two weeks after the fact.  He said one day that he liked it because it was like we had our own place.   We never fought about sharing space and I did have to clean up after him, but I didn't really mind for the msot part though there were a couple of days where I was sick and it was an effort just to try and make the bed, and it did kind of make me a little frustrated when I was sick and he wouldn't help out, but I thought about it and I never made a real big deal about it except when we broke up but it was to bitch.  I didn't make a huge deal about it at the time because I was the one house sitting so it was pretty much my job to make sure the place was how I found it and the lady i house sit for didn't care that he and I spent the night there it was kind of her idea.  She is a very sweet person.   R probably should have offered to do dishes when I cooked him breakfast or something, but honestly I more than likely wouldn't have let him because I enjoy to do little special things for the person I am with.      
                                   I even told R tonight about me talking to some of the guys who hit on me and how I went out with one of them.  I only went swimming and my brother was even there.  I never saw or talked to any guys while R and I were together it was always when we had been broken up and once we were back together I stopped all contact with the guys.    He said it didn't upset him, but I wonder if it really did.  There was one guy I would text when R and I were kind of together, but it was up in the air and he asked me out, but I said no and stopped talking to him when R and I had broken up for the last time I told him I would go out with him, but then I stood him up because I wasn't ready to date , I didn't need to be dating and I didn't really like him physically or personality wise.    I don't know if R was upset that I had went swimming with a guy even though nothing happened and my brother and some of his friends were with us. Part of me thinks he R wasn't upset because he and I weren't together at the time and he didn't have feelings for me anyway.  To R I was just a piece of ass.  I know that he thinks I am a good person and that he didn't think of me as his whore so don't get me wrong when I say piece of ass I mean that he didn't have any feelings for me and he has told me that a few times.  He didn't have any feelings for me because he went into reminding himself that I was just a piece of ass and he needed to remain unemotional.   He didn't treat me like a whore and if I had said I didn't want to have sex he wouldn't have minded of that I am fairly certain because before we put a title on us being boyfriend and girlfriend I had asked him once what he would do if we couldn't have sex because I was on my period or if I didn't want to because I was tired and he simply told me that we would just hang out and find something else to do.   The time R said he wouldn't mind if we couldn't have sex was one of the moments I had the most respect for him.  I never said no to sex with R because when I am with someone I think it's important to have a frequent and active sex life.  Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but don't kid yourself people if you think  that it isn't a big deal because it is. 
                           I guess I use sex as a weapon and I'm not sure if it's a bad thing.  I don't use sex as a weapon to punish men when I am with them because I don't agree with that.  I think to use sex to get back at your partner is a serious problem  because it shows that you don't think very highly of them in thinking that having sex with you is so much better than having sex with them like you are more important them that and it's wrong.   Now, not having sex when you are upset is different than saying oh you are cut off. If you are upset then you have every right to not have sex if you don't feel good about it.  I do have sex even when I don't want to when I am with someone because even if I am pissed off or hurt I personally think that sex is a great stress reliever and I always thought it was stupid to make myself suffer by not getting any just because my partner screwed up haha.    When I say I use sex as a weapon and I DO NOT do it often I use it to get my way.  There was one incident with R that I used it to get my way.   It was towards the end right before R and I had broken up and I was feeling like I needed him because we had been through an emotional day and when we got home all I really wanted was to be held and near him, but he informed me that he had made plans to go and hang out with his friends and I can't remember if he had planned on staying at his place that to be around his roommate because his roommate had been testy due to the fact that R was always with me or if he had planned on coming home.  I use the word home because I was house sitting and he made the comment that it was like our own place even though it wasn't really his or my home we sometimes used that word because it was where we stayed most of the time to be alone and to talk.   Neither one of us really liked being at my place because we were walked in on and with my family though they didn't mind him there made us a little uncomfortable and R had just moved to a new apartment with his roommate who hates me and he didn't want me around his jackass of a friend, but I always felt that R just didn't want me at his place because he was ashamed of me.  I still feel that way.  It was one of many things I felt bad about.   I wouldn't have stayed at R's place because I don't care for his roommate who says horrible things about my looks, me in general, and treats all women like shit from what he has said and the actions he has made. The fact that R never even asked me to his place spoke volumes to me since I knew that he didn't care for me, and the comments he made about my appearance.  The fact that he never asked me when i always opened up my home to him and made him feel welcome was one of the handful of time that I did feel like his whore. His roommate doesn't like me, but he never even offered for me to meet any of his other friends.  I had asked him to come someplace with me to meet a few of my friends, but he refused, and I would have introduced him to meet my best friend, but she lives about eight hours away.   My thoughts at the time were that I was with R and because of certain situtions we were going to be together for a while and that was his idea not mine so for him to think he was going to be with me for a while and not let me in his life at all.   I'm over it now, but it was something I thought about the time. 
                                                                             I keep flopping from topic to topic because it's six am and I haven't slept. I went to the Er with my dad and not worry everyone is doing just fine :)      So anyway I really hope that R wasn't upset about me telling him that while we had broken up for a short while I went swimming and a guy who had hit on me called me and then came by the pool to swim with me.  I also kind of let the guy go because for the whole summer I had tried to get R to go swimming with me and he wouldn't and my girlfriends wouldn't go either, but my girlfriends and I went and worked out.  R doesn't have a reason to be mad at me because I never cheated or did anything else wrong thought would be inapproiate with men while we were dating, but he might be uspet because that could hurt his ego then again R talked to other women and hung out with females one who he is or was in love with while we were together and hung out with another woman that he used to be together and in a realtionship with, those things hurt my ego big time especially since he didn't care about me, but I never asked him not to or even expressed that I didn't like because I trusted him no to cheat and I would never tell a guy that he couldn't hang out with someone.   I don't own anyone and people should remember that when in a realtionship.  Ladies and gentlemen when you are in a realtionship with someone be it marriage or just dating it's okay to be upset if the person you are with is hanging out with someone that you don't like or don't feel okay with them spending time with some, but nobody has the right to say that someone is not allowed to do what they will.   I see so many women and even some men who tell their partner they cant hang out with someone and it's wrong.   When you;re with someone you should trust them and if they have done something to break your trust and you are not okay with them hanging out with someone then you have to speak up and tell your partner your concerns in a calm, but if they say I understand, but you need to trust me then you have a choice to make either you trust them and shut up or you leave.   When R and I were together and i felt I needed some attention and he was going ot hang out with his friends I used sex to make him stay longer.  I didn't plan it out that way, but it is what happened.   As soon as we were done I was perfectly okay with him going well, maybe not perfectly okay because I still wanted him there just to hold me, but I felt like it was a good compromise in my eyes.  I got a little affection and intimacy because sex is a good form of intimacy for me sometimes, but not all actually not usually, but I take what I can get.   R ended up being really late hanging out with friends and made a little white lie about falling asleep instead of just telling them he was with me, but I understand why he told the little white lie because it probably would hurt their feelings if they knew he had blown them off for like two hours because he was spending time with me.  YES, sex lasted about two hours with R not all the time, but R is not a premature uncle Ben lol ( minute rice)   As a matter of fact the first time R and I slept together we had done a lot of fore play for a while and the actual act last for like ten or fifteen minutes which is perfectly fine when you have been having forplay for about an hour and usually the actual peneration act of sex doesn't last forever for most men and fifteen minutes of actual peneatration is not bad by any means, but R felt bad and had to redeem himself so we went at it again right away which made me feel good because if a man doesn't have to wait a while to get hard right after sex usually means that the man is really attracted to the female.  It doesn't always mean that, but if it is not something common with a guy and from what my male friends have told me then it does in fact mean that the female turns him on a lot.  ANyway R and I went at it right again and it last for quite a while.  I had just wanted to go to bed because he had certainly gotten me off the first time and he had nothing to redeem himself for, but he sure proved his point haha.   I am not one that likes to have sex for hours because well I have shit to do and it can get painful after so long, but R and I didn't really have that problem though there were days when after we would be really freaking sore.  We didn't always have sex that lasted for hours actually most of the time at the end of our realtionship it last for about twenty minutes and the foreplay was skipped at the end.  Sex was good even at the end with R and I have been with somene who went in once and then blew his load and even blew his load before anything happened at all.  No, this guy isn't R and no, the guy was not young he was in his twenties at the time.      
                                                                              
                                                                      Sorry if Im not staying on topic but, I am on no sleep and just writting what is in my head.   Anyway so R says hes not upset about me talking ot guys and I hope he isn't, but for the past week and especially the past couple of days he and I have really been having fun texting. It's great that all the anger is gone because I would like him in my life as a friend.  He and I got along great at the begining and since I now have this special bond with him I don't want to lose that.     I keep wondering when I will see R again and I wonder if he has any intention even though he said he did.  I can't bring myself to ask him because I don't want it to be a big deal, but I do know that if it's not soon I won't be seeing him at all even if he decides that the time is right.   I think I may bring up the subject when my neighbors have their next party and there are a bunch of people around.  That way R and I can chill. He can have a couple of drinks, we can have a good time around people so it's less preasure and there weren't be any nerves since it will be us hanging out in new light as friends after all the fighting and hurting that went on then we could go back to my room and go to bed.   I think that would be a really good thing, then again I am not super close to the new group of people and R not knowing anyone might make him uncomfotable plus if we hung out by ourselves maybe play some video games or watch a movie and we can really talk about anything that either one of us feels needs to be talked about.    I don't know how or if it will go done, but I am nervous because R says he is not in a hurry and I want to be able to get things moving along for closure and to build on all the postive things going on between us.  If we only text and never again hang out I will simply feel as though he doesn't want to be friends or ever talk again and he is only talking to me now to get what he wants, but I don't like that is why.  I honestly think that R is enjoying talking to and playing with me at this point because if he didn't want to he simply wouldn't there have been pleanty of times when he said he didn't want to talk to me.  I think he has had a change of heart about being friends like I had.    A couple of weeks ago being friends with him after everything that has happened was the last thing I wanted and I certainly didn't want to ever see him again.    I don't mean that I want to see him a lot because for a little while I won't be able to, but it's important to me that he and I build on our friends since we have this special bond that put him in my heart and life always.  In my life well that's only if he wants to be, but no matter what he will always have a special place in my heart and that is just fact.     
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              My only fear is that since R and I are getting along so well now hell we even talk about people we are going on dates with or that we talk to.  Yes, I asked R about hsi sex and dating life.  He;s not having sex as far as I know, but I ask him about the chicks he hits on and dating.  I even tease him a bit and I tell him about being stood up and other guy problems and things because it doesn't bother me and I don't think it bothers him.   It might be a little wierd at times since we have slept together, but he assures me that it doesn't bother him and I don't think he gets jealous and I don't get jealous well sometimes I do, but not because he is dating other chicks or anything like that I only get jealous because I ask myself why he didn't treat me the way he does other girls.  R and I went out to run errands, and I guess you could say we went on a date, but honestly we never did go on a real date.   He never took me to the movies and the only time we went out to eat. We each payed for our own dinner which is not a big deal and we got it to go, but it certainly was not a real date.   Anytime we had dinner I cooked which is fine, but the dates he plans with are girls are actually kind of special plays, concerts, other crap and I get a little jealous because I ask myself why he never thought that I might like something like that.  I would have payed my own way if he needed or wanted me to though when asking a girl out on a date its customary that the guy pays but if a guy pays for the movie I pay for the refreshments which is usually more expensive and if he pays for dinner I will leave the tip and if we go get icecream some place else than I will pay for dessert. I almost always make sure that all expensives are not on the guy so money is not the object.   When R and I were together I often asked if he would want to go swimming.  It was free so he didn't have to worry about money and swimming is fun and playful.  R doesn't like to go swimming, but I think that the girls he asked out now if they wanted to og swimming he would in order to do something they want to do and to impress her.    R never needed to impress, but I kind of wonder why he never wanted to because I did things to impress him all the time.   I know the answer is that he didn't care about me or well in an emotional romantic way he didn't care about me.  That is the only way I have ever gotten jealous about R dating.  It is not because I want to be with him or have any feelings in that way towards him.   Yes, I still like him in a sexual way, but thats because I had sex with him for months and it's not easy to turn off the hormones lol.   I won't act on the physical attraction or rather actually I would as long as I waas certain that he knew that I only want him in a physical way and to be friends with him.   or the people who say you can't have sex with friends thats a lie.   I had a simliar realtionship that I had with R with someone else called N.  The difference is N was my best friend for years after.   When N and I met he and I went on one date, but it wasn't going to work out.   I spent the night with him every weekend and we never did anything till one night because we were sexually attracted to each other and EVERYONE said we were acting on it we finally did it and things stayed the same.  I kept staying the night every weekend, but it became us having sex and as soon as people kept saying we were together and he said well, we basically are I freaked out.  I went on a date with someone else and told him even though he had always said he didn't mind and nothing happened with the other guy not even a kiss because I don't kiss on a first date, but N ended things.  We stayed friends and found that the attraction was more than we thought and couldn't keep our hands off of each other than one day he was smiling and when i asked why he told me it was because he was happy.  I kind of got nervous, but i was happy too. N still saw in my face that I was freaked, because he had been the first guy i was with in a couple of years.  The next day N called me and told me that his ex wife whom he had been divorced form for a while were getting back together and she was very jealous of me the entire time he and I were sleeping together she would call him and yell calling me names also their daughter called me mommy because she was always ignoring her daughter to get laid while I played with the little girl and gave her attention.  The day after N told me he was getting back with her he called me and told me he had made a horrible mistake and he was sorry.  I forgave N and we continued being friends for years, but I never slept with him again.   What finally ended our friendship was a number of things.   The difference between N and R is I was in love with N completely and he knew that.  When N was in korea and about to come back to the states because when he and I started sleeping together he found out he was deploying so we both knew that we wouldnt last in a realtionship, but never talked about it I wanted things to stay the same he asked me what we would be doing in six months or a year from then and like always I wanted ot go with the flow anyway N had been gone for a while and I decided that even though I loved him i needed to move on with my life and started dating a guy it was then that I wasn't around to skype or chat on yahoo messenager with N every night and he found out how seriosu it was between me and the other guy J.   As soon as N found out that is was serious he told me he loved me it was the first time he had ever said that.      I broke up with my bf at the time J.   N telling me he loved me and coming back home was not the reason I broke up with J and I am glad I did break up with J, but N saying that did play a small factor.   Nothing happened between N and I it was my descion to only stay friends, but over the next two years not dating at all I realized that anytime anything good happened inmy life N would find a way to make me question things. He ddin't want me , but he also didn't want anyone else to have me so i finally ended the friendship knowing it wasn't healthy.   Since R and I never loved each other our friendship right now isn't like that.   I have no problem about him dating because I want him to be happy and I get to tease him.  If I tell him about a guy asking me out or standing me out he doesn't say anything to make me question my choice he jsut listens and tries to be a good friend.     Today was a better except going to the ER.   I have no idea when or if I will be seeing R or what will happen.   I probably won't see him a lot.  I think R and I were doomed for another reason i figured out.  R and I are both in school and we both work.  R was ins school when I wasn't this summer, but still we were both really busy and being together really took a lot of time especially for him.  R is focused on a lot right now just like I am and yet still wanting or thinking we had to be together was stressful because honestly we didn't have the time and were constantly exhaused.  The timing wasn't right as a lot of things weren't right, but the timing in our lives probably played a huge factor. The simple answer was neither one of us had the time for a realtionship and yet still choosing to be together made other things in our life suffer.  our friendship not having time to be with our friends when both of us already have so little time to spare for them.  I am sure his work suffered a little like mine not the actual work because both R and I have good work ethics as far as I can tell from knowing him, but our work suffered in the way that when we went to work in the morning we were fucking tired and its hard to be perky and really give your all in personality when you're exhausted so even getting your work done and being friendly and professional with people doesn't mean you give your 100% to everyone you work with.  I bet R was still professional as I was, but I also know that even though the man is a morning person God he gets perky without caffeine which I think makes him an alien, but even being perky I know that he was exhausted and going to school after work until ten and not gettnig home till eleven or midnight was rough on the guy.  It's rough on him now and thats without a realtionship.  So again I say the timing was really wrong for R and I. Neither one us was really looking for a realtionship because we don't have the damn time and we are both focused on ourselves improving ourselves and doing things to better our careers. future.     that is just something I was thinking about.    Everyday when i talk to R I remind myself about why he and I didn't work out, but I try and stay away from the fights we had and i focus about how we were not right for each other I do this because I need to remind myself for our friendship.  I don't focus on our fighting because that will lead to other fights.   I don't remind myself everyday, but I do remind myelf of it if every I feel bad about something because I am thinking about the past with R.  The past is the past and I am looking toward the future in a positive way.   I can focus on the bad things in life anymore because ina short time I will be a new person and I need to make sure I can be the best me there is.  Now, I have a meeting at eleven and it's now seven thirty so I am going ot try to get some sleep for a couple of hours that my stomach is hurting a little bit so first I am going to run to McDonalds and get some breakfast food becasuse I have to go grocery shopping after work today.   I only wrote so much because I didn't write yesterday, but all is well.  Love all you readers and have a great and blessed day.  For you single ladies out there if you can't do a realtionship like I can't now because I am busy and I have too much going on maybe you should try and get your ex bf to sleep with you as I am trying to do with R.  Then part ways and live your life until the next few months pass and if you both are single do it again that way no one is getting hurt or getting led on and some of the basic human needs are being met making everyone happy and not effecting the friendship realtionship because all it is is one friend helping another.  This differs form a friends with benefits.   Most of the time friends with benefits is NOT friends.  It is simply a glorfied booty call.   Doing it with an ex is really two people who are friends because you can chat and have a good time with sex or sleeping together, but as friends you can do whatever and since you know that you cant be in a realtionship you can still do something that is not something you haven't done before while still be able to not do it and still be friends and joke.  It doesn't mean you have to hang out with your ex a lot, but it does mean that you can chill with your ex and hang out once ina  while without helping each other out or while helping each other out and being there.  Like the way I ask R about the women in his life that is something a friend does and yet I still can joke with him about sex and it doesn't lead either one of us on nor does it make it wierd because weve been there done that and its actually kind of nice to joke with him about sex but I miss sex and he someone I can joke about it without sounding or ocming off like a perv or be embarassed and since he is probably still sexually attracted to me he understand the feelings.  He's not having sex with anyone else right now and he doesn't have any desire to be with me either, but because he and I are the last people we had sex with and it's still fresh in our mind he can think about me in that way and its nto a big deal since it doesn't come from an unhealthy place.  His thoughts are not unhealthy nor are mine its pretty natural.   It doesn't mean that those urges will ever be acted on, but if they were acted upon it would not make it wierd between us or ruin the friendship we are growing and the good place we are in because it wouldnt change anything between us.  Neither one of us have any expectation of the other one and when we were dating we did.  He expected certain things that werent done and I had expectation that werent done and needs that werent filled because we couldnt do it for each other.  If the urges we have were acted upon we both know now fomr the place that we are in and the friendship we are slowly building that it would only friends doing something to help one another out s a stress reliever form our bsy and hetic lives.  Being in a realtionship is impossible for me right now because I have to much going on and there in another reason that would make it bad for me to be in a realtionship  and I don't R can really be in a realtionship right now either because his life is pretty busy and even though he is dating having sex with a new girl for him that he doesn't plan on being in a realtionship with might get messy for the dude, but since he and I have already had sex a LOT and we know that we dont work as a couple but work fine as friends and in the bedroom I think that it would probably be perfectly fine for him and I to do that once in a while.   As of right now I only want to sleep with the guy and I do mean sleep.  Even if I find him sexually attractive and I do want to have sex with him if he thought it would make things wierd or ruin our realtionship  I wouldnt cross that path.  i don't it would actually i am certain it wouldnt for me as long as he and I would still talk and see each other every once in a while to say hey whats up and I don't mean every week or hell even every month it would be however often he and I thought was a cool thing.  If it was that we had sex one last time and that was it I would probably be okay with that because it would amke up for the last time we boned which was that good for either one of us.  I would perfer that he and I would stay friends, but at this point I also mainly want to make up the last time we had sex.   I am kind of sad that the last we had was sex was one of the only times when we had BAD sex.   I usually say no sex is bad sex because compared to what he and I actually did in bed that last time was pretty bad and I want to remember our last time as great something postive to end the memory with if that makes any sense.   I doubt he will want it to happen since he didn't like having sex with me though now he says that he did and he was confused over some things that had been going on between us and the fact that he and i had broken up once before made it so he didn't know what things were. having sex now we both know exactly what they are and what they will be but then again even if he was horny I don't know if he really is attracted to me.  Okay now I am def going to go get some food because my stomach hurts and I am craving like a mofo and I have to be able to get like two hours before my work meeting.   I have meetings, but right now I am not actually working.  Yes, I am getting paid but for most of the day I may clean for about an hour so then I am in bed.  I am in bed and I still dont get a lot of sleep because my back hurts or I am so stressed out  i can shut my mind off and the nightmares.   I really hope R comes over soon and lays down next o em so i can fall asleep not get any nightmares so just for once night I cn be at peace because no sleep is starting to effect my helth and that is the last that is needed or whated it right now anyway I am going ot BK nor Mcdonals since is closer and then off to sleep for two hours so nighty night people have a blessed day.  Much Love

Curious questions asked, but no answers given.

Well, I talked to R today and we didn't fight. We haven't fought in a while.  I guess I have so much time to reflect on everything that I see things I never saw before.  I see that R and I have this special bond now that is only between him and I because of things we went through things that were hard and we both cried at times but, it is only for us.  I won't ever say what we went through and that is because it is something I can not talk about.  My best friend knows and R knows.  I am sure some of his family and a friends know but, it is nto something he talks about with them often and of that I am fairly certain.  We talk to others when we need to but, I think we talk to each other more.  R and I have this bond and at the time that we went through so much together we only really had each other to lean on.  He leaned on me when he talked about how he felt and they were feelings that were full of anger, fear, hurt and even a I think at times a small amount of joy.  I didn't always like his feelings and they made me angry but, I listened and I held him and he supported me.  When I cried he held me when I let him.  I told him my feelings and he didn't always like them at times we both were angry with each other but, we were there for one another even if because we were hurting and angry and didn't like what the other said it seemed as though we weren't there for one another but, we were and it took me a while to see that because I was focused on so many things that built up until all I could see was my own pain just as R could only see his pain.    That doesn't me we didn't see each other hurting and try to make it better we did but, we were both focused on ourselves at the end.  Now that he and I are over were healing and we are left with this bond and the anger is gone and I feel good about that.   No, I am not thinking about getting back together with him :)   Sorry to disapoint I am simply saying what i have always said even when I was angry with him that he is a good guy.   Yes, he has made me pain and I have called him a piece of shit just as he has called me a bitch lol and I was to him as he was to me but, he has always tried to be a good man he is not perfect but, we have still leaned on each other more than I think either one of us has leaned on anyone else in a while.   We leaned on each other more than we were comfortable with.    Today I told R that if he wanted something he would have to sleep with me LOL I know it sounds funny but, I wasn't talking about sex though he thought I was.   I was talking about sleeping.  He always liked sleeping next to me he never once complained about that because he likes to cuddle and I am not big on cuddling but, with him I like it.    I like it because he was the one to hold me when I needed it even when I didn't think I did and he insisted I liked it.     Why would I ask that we sleep together?   It's because friends can sleep next to each other and cuddle without it being a problem.  I will always be his friend and to be able to cuddle and sleep next to each other shows that it is peaceful and it's also a bit of closure.   I won't lie and say I don't miss the man's cuddles because I do.  I got used to sleeping next to him for four months well he was gone for like a month of that but, as soon as he came back he was next to me and at first we didn't sleep next to each other every night but, after a while it was basically almost every night.   See, I get these horrible nightmares and I don't sleep a lot which is why at 4am I am still awake and no, I won't be going to bed and sleeping all day I keep busy just like any normal person would I just do it on a lot less sleep.   It's like I am afraid to sleep because I know the nightmares are coming and waking up crying is not fun because when you are asleep you can either escape and be at peace from a stressful day or your mind takes you to a place where all the feelings you bury deep in your soul and hide so well that the only way anyone every sees them is by looking into your eyes.   Your eyes stop shinning and they lose a spark. The spark is a piece of your soul that hides away because if it's let out it will kill the rest of your soul.  Your mind goes to this place where you feel everything times one hundred in your nightmares because the feelings come out at once.  Some would say to find a healthy outlet for them but, these nightmares are ones you can't let out.  You do your best and you move on from the pain and you work hard to make sure you deal with them but, they are always there.   They are shadows that come to kiss you goodnight.  I do my best not to let the nightmares effect my life and I do pretty good at it because I chose embrace the good things I have in my life even when life is hard and even when it kills me to do I still work at it because I have nothing else.   I play the cards I was dealt.  When R was next to me at night I had no nightmares.  I had dreams and some were not good but, I never had one of my nightmares.    Yes, sleeping next to a guy helps with my nightmares it makes me feel safe even though I can protect and take care of myself I do feel safer next to a man, but it cannot be just any man.    It has to be with someone I am connected with even if only a physical level.  R started out as just this great physical chemistry, this attraction we both feel for one another but, it grew because of our bond.   R wanted to know if doing so would create problems giving someone false hope.  I felt bad because I didn't think he would get false hope about it and I told him so.   He is someone I could kiss all day and cuddle next to and even hang out with and have a blast but, I could never be a couple with him again.  After I told him that I then thought maybe he thought I would get false hopes so I felt a bit stupid.   R then asked me if I was ever in love with him.   I told him no, I have love for him and I care about him, it is not thee love.  My love for him is a love you feel for another human being and that of a friend.   There are so many different types of love so I do love him in a sense of the word but, in love is very different and it is not the way I feel towards him.   He said it was good because then it would have hurt me so much more the things that happened if I had been.   Perhaps he's right, but I hurt pleanty and because I care for him it added to it.  If I thought he was the one maybe it would have been devestating.  I'm not sure I can't judge how hurt I would have been all I know is how hurt I was and the hurt I still feel.   Yes, I still feel hurt but, not about anything R did.   I let those feelings go a while ago. I forgave R for everything and I think he forgives me because I said a lot of mean things too.  Some people think I am still better than he is but, that is bullshit.  He and I both did wrong and just because he is the reason for our break up does not mean that I played no part in it.  Yes, I tried very hard and I worked hard but, then I got lazy because I was tired and angry.  I let him go because he wanted it and I wanted it too.  I wanted it for him to be happy and for me to not be a doormat.  When I told R that I wasn't IN love with him I asked him if he had ever thought he was in love with me.  He never answered the question even when i said hey, you didn't answer it he still said oh oops I have to go to bed LOL.   He does not want to answer that question hehe.  I told him I would ask him tomorrow.  See, R and I broke up the first time because he likes to have a plan and he and I didn't have a plan we were going with the flow and we were happy.  There was no title or being together it was understood we weren't with anyone else but, we were free to do what we want as long as we were honest with the other one.  This didn't suit well with R.  He needs to have a plan because he likes to be in control.  NO, he is NOT a control freak though he does like to get his way, but so do I.  The difference between us is my plans are only about me.  I don't plan when it concerns other people's lives because they disapoint.   The first time we broke up it was hard on both of us and we both shed tears because we were happy but, R couldn't go with the flow he needed more.  I don't even know if he understood it fully.  R is a complex character.  The other funny thing other than him not answering my question which I can't understand I answered it for him but, he won't answer it for me.  I think I may even know the answer, but the funny thing is after all that has happened between us we still protect one another.   This has to do with that bond I was talking about.  I don't let my friends or family talk about R even though when I am mad I can say whatever I want and R doesn't let them talk about me even though he can say whatever the hell he wants when he gets mad.   See, this protection over each other has to do with that bond.  There is also guilt over the way we treated each other so we don't like to see someone else talk about them because we know we did the other one wrong, but mainly it has to do with our connection that we didn't expect or even want, but it appeared and with it comes caring, understanding, and protection.  At least for me.  I know that I protect him and stand up for him even when I am angry at him because he has a special place in my heart.  No, this is not love it has to do with the things we went through which were hard, but even though at times it felt like the other one wasn't there for us we still were by each other's side.  We dealt with things head on and yes, at times we slacked on the other person, but for the most part we stood by each other, we held the other one in our arms. We cried together.     Does our protection mean we lose our friendships over it NO, it means that we just don't fucking like it when someone says something bad about the other one.  Yes, it has happened and yeah when were angry we allow it hell, pile it on but, then I because really I don't know how R handles it but, I get upset when I cool off if someone is talking bad about him.  Hell, sometimes even when I am pissed at him and someone says something too harsh I stand up for him.   My best friend hates that I stand up for him, but honestly our friends don't know each other.  His friends don't know me and most of my friends don't know him.  Yes, my family knows him, but I still don't let my brother talk shit even though he is simply being protective over me just like our friends are doing when they jump in.                            
               Anyway I also told R about me being stood up and he seemed to agree with me about not giving Muscles another chance even though he keeps saying sorry.  R said he wouldn't stand up a girl unless he wasn't that into her or something really bad happened.  Muscles didn't even call me before hand he called at the exact time of our date to cancle and we had already pushed it back two hours.  R has never stood me up probably because he tries very hard to be a gentleman and he is.  He opens my doors for me he will carry stuff, but I do the same for him.  So I talked to R abotu Muscles and he seemed like I reacted perfectly acepectable in that situation.  I figured Muscles was just nervous because he said he was, but I really didn't get an excuse as to why he stood me up so I asked him.   I am still friendly with the guy because we will be seeing each other in the neighborhood at social events and such.  Muscles told me he still felt bad about standing me up then told me it was because was really hungover that he got back home jacked off and went to bed.   I told him saying he passed out would have sufficed.   Why the hell would he tell me he jacked off??  That's gross.  I don't know even freaking know him.   I changed the subject to his work day after that and I was still nice.    I think the way he talked to me is disgusting, but I can laugh it off because I won't date him.  I don't know if he could do anything to change my mind, but I really doubt then again i don't know if hanging out later on he will gros on me, but again I doubt it.   So, i can laugh at stuff like that because I am just friends with the dude if I was still going to date him I would right him off immediatley, but I already did right him off so yea I do think he needs to learn to treat a woman, but he is the type of guy who is all looks so I am sure he is used to girls dropping at the hat for him.   I am not like that.  it's actually funny because I think I am the first girl to say no to him.  I said no to a kiss, and I said no, to gong back out wth him after he stood me up, and  I said no, to all of his attemps to try and get me to go out with him on Saturday.  I don't think Muscles is used to that.   Muscles is not that smart.   R got me the first night we met LOL, but it was because he was a gentleman well, most of the time when we went to bed he made a move and after  I said no, he made a move agan lol actually  I said no twice, but I gave in because I wanted to lol I just didn't want to seem that easy then again t was the first night we had met it had been like twelve hours or there close by.   Why did R get the chance to get with me so quickly?    R is the type of guy I go for.  He is smart and he has a sweet, cute look to him.   I don't go for the pretty boys though R is handsome don't get me wrong it's just in a more book worm knd of handsome.  Most guys think I go for the guys who look perfect and frost their hair and use hair gel.  The guys who look like they are on steroids.  That's not true.  I go for guys who usually think they don't stand a chance with me.   I go for either the scrawy looking guy who really when he takes hs shirt off has muscle just not a lot of t or I go for a guy who isn't fat or even really chubby, but that has a little meat to him.   The biggest thing is I go for guys who are more dominate than I am and who are intelligent.  The smart guys who aren't perfect looking and spend loads of money on face cream or steriods, but just work out and read always think I am a bimbo with big boobs and then I speak and they hear I am smart.  So, they think a good looking girl who is smart to I must be a gold digger.    I think the fact my name is Heather doesn't help my case.   I even stopped wearing boob shirts and started dressing more conservative in order to focus more on my face.  I have a cute face and if guys focus on my eyes and not on my boobs they may take me a bit more seriously plus  don't even like showing off my boobs it's just that every shrit  was buying unless it was a T shirt would show off my boobs because they are so damn big.   If I bought a larger shrirt then it would be too big because the shirts I have actually are to big on my stomach, but tight on the chest.   I went shopping though and now  get asked out even more maybe because I don't look like a skank, but I never really looked like a skank before just a little bit like one of those chicks who say O-M-G, but actually spell it out loud.  The girls who are high maintanced.    I had to ask R if I was high maintanced and thankfully he said no, I am not!  Sweeeeeeetttt.  I would hate it if I was because that is not the person I want to be or the knd of person I am.   This is basically all that happened today oh and R and I did talk about sex, but only a little bit because he thought when I said sleep together I meant sex, but  meant sleep then we talked about towards the end of our realtionship our we got lazy wth sex both of us mainly because we were always exhausted, stress, hurt and angry, but sex was like a requirement because we always had great sex at least  I think so.  It doesn't mean every time was great, but it certainly wasn't bad except the very last time we had sex it was kind of bad for both of us.  We got to the end, but it took work on both our parts lol even for me I had to work to make him get to the end and he had to work to get me to the end.    I think R and I will be seeing each other soon and I want to make it sooner rather than later because well, I again have my reasons on that.   I am laying here typing when I should be sleeping, but my stomach is hurting a little bit most likely because I need to get up off my butt and pee yet, again.   I swear  I have to pee like fifty times a day and it sucks lol.   Lately I even have to wake up when I do go to sleep to pee even if I just went before  layed down.   Try waking up because you have to pee so bad, but it beats peeing the bed LOL.  Okay so I am sure none of you want to hear about my adventures with my bladder that is being pushed upon with force about to explode so I bid you all adeiu and Sweet Dreams.  I will let everyone know of R's answer tomorrow or rather later today that is if he isn't a butt and tells me LOL... Oh one last thing when I told him he had to sleep with me he said it was an odd request and I said you're odd and he said no name calling LOL I think he thought I was serious.   When I explained I wasn't he seemed to be in a better mood as though me teasnig him reasures him that I am not mad at him or something, but I kept telling him I wasn't mad before I just thought he was so it was hard to joke with him, but today I figured what the hell I will make the jokes and if he doesn't like it or doesn't respond well to it then I know where he stands as it is he was fine and we joked :P to each other so it puts us in the friends place all that is left is for us to hang out and really clear the air because if he and I can be in the same room and not fight and be the way we were before we ever broke up ya know minus the realtionship part but just the friendly part then it will be really good for both of us and a HUGE part of the healing and closure process.  It won't be automatic closure, but that will come with the healing which is what we both need.   Good night all. :)

Talked to R ahhhhh!

Okay so I talked to R tonight.  R and I texted back and forth because first I wanted to know if he was still reading my blogs and he's not so thats good because I didn't want him reading these anymore.  He texted me about getting together and something about closure because that is not what I want.  I am trying really hard to move and seeing him will bring up a lot of feelings and it makes me nervous.  I can't help that sometimes I do miss seeing him.  I spent almost every night with him and you get fixed on this ritual like making love, cuddling, and talking to someone.  The fact that I am no longer angry at R makes that scary because I start to think about when times were good and they weren't good so I don't like that I miss him because he is sure as heck not missing me and I don't want to be in a place where I am missing him or just missing some type of connection and going there.    IF I do see Richard I want it to be sooner rather than later for my own reasons and I think it has to do with the fact that since its over I want to move on and if he says well I want to get together and finish some stuff that we have to finish later than its dumb because it should get done with now.   I have been having a tough time moving on from him and I have my reasons for that which I know I should write down but, I don't want to because some things need to be left un said.   Why can't we say it's over and have our heart pretend it never happened?   Probably because we are human.     When I told R I am not ready to see him he said that he thought I was calm as if I am holding on to anger but, I'm not.  I told him that I'm not ready because it will remind me of a lot and I am trying to move on he then said he sees and he's going to bed.   My question is, What the hell does I see mean?   I know it means I understand but, there is ALWAYS more to it when someone says I see. its as if they say I understand the meaning to your words but, I don't understand how you could feel like that like I get it but, I don't agree.  It is absoultley frustrating because I can't help but, wonder what the hell is going on in R's head and it freaks me out.   I thought he wanted to move on and he said as much but, he wants to do it in person and I don't get it.   I feel like there is more and I should write more but, honestly my stomach is starting to hurt and I am tired so I am going ot go to sleep and sleep in like I did today only because I can.   So sweet dreams my readers. I have noticed my readership growing so thanks to the people who read this I don't know why anyone would want to know what's going on in my life because it boring but, hey I guess anything about love and relationships is intreasting especially when you don't have one yourself like me.  :)