Hello Fans,
Well, I am truely sorry I haven't written a blog in days but, life has been very busy. My grandmother passed away this week and though she was very sick and it's a blessing I am sad that I won't see her again and I am sad for my dad who will miss her even if he has a family of his own now and is also a grandpa :) Work is crazy because a lot of crap has went down and well I am not sure what I want to do right now. I got offered two jobs yesterday after only putting my resume out and about this past week, and that's not too shabby considering I also have another job that may be mine after the fifteenth. Yes, lots of job offers and well, I must say that I feel kind of proud that I am in high demand because it's means I am doing something right. I also have school starting up again but, that is not the kind of juicy gossip you people want to hear. I went to a party that my new neighbors were throwing after meeting a couple of people outside all women who were really nice and I got alog more with them than I did with the men which is unusual because I usually get along better with men but, I have been different lately only being friendly with men and not flirting but, guess what. After the party the next day a guy we shall call Muscles lol because he is built came over to my house and knocked on my door then went and asked me out! I haven't been properly asked out on a date in a while and I am kind of nervous. Muscles is not the usual type of the guy I go for. He even kind of tripped on my stoop as he was asking me out. He was clutching the pole that holds up part of my house outside the front door because he was nervous. He was very sweet but, he also came on a little strong. I know this should be a good thing but, I like guys who know what they want but, who don't really chase me than again all the guys who didn't chase me never cared about me. Let's take R for instance I talked to him once this week but, he was drunk and there wasn't much to say. He thinks I hate him but, I don't, I'm not too worried about R because I feel like I finally left things in a good place. Back to Muscles. Muscles seems like a good guy but, I wonder if I am ready to go on a date with anyone after the horrible relationship I had with R. Our realtionship wasn't all horrible but, a lot of it was. I talked myself into the date by telling myself that I can go slow and it's just one date and I can give the guy a chance. He is taking me Ice Skating followed by dinner at a Sushi Resturant. I have to give Muscles props for coming over and asking me out and even waiting till when he wasn't tipsy to do so. I am nervous because he says things like he doesn't understand why I don't get asked out and how he thinks I am really pretty and it makes me feel wierd. One of the girls I met at the party was texting me because Muscles is her friend and I will call her GiGi. GiGi told me that he is a nice guy as a friend but, she didn't know as a boyfriend because he didn't really go on dates. I told her to slow on down because I am just going on a first date with the guy and we will see after that. The thing is I don't kiss on first dates. I feel like maybe he will expect something that I am just not ready for. After R I am not ready to sleep with anyone yet and R and I slept together faster than I have with anyone it was my one truely Sluty moment and it turned out to last for months! If I don't want to do anything with Muscles than I don't have to but, I mean I don't even know if I want to kiss him and the idea of kissing him scares the hell out of me. I got so used to kissing R that it seems wierd to kiss someone else. I don't think I want to still kiss R or anything like that but, in a way I kind of do because it's something that is famliar to me. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but, then again my nerves are going insane. One of the reasons I don't date is because I am horrible at them and I DREAD first dates. I mean how much of hell can a girl go through.
First dates are two people who hardely know each other coming together to show their absoulte best sides to try and lure the other person into getting an intreast. I have never been too good at those kind of games. I always warn men about my bad side and even if I am not proud over things I have said like to R I went off on that guy but, emotions were high and most of the things I said I regret and didn't mean like the things he said to me. R was told that I was a bitch the first ngith we met and well he saw first hand. I am not always a bitch but, I can be. I told Muscles at the party that I am a bitch and I laughed and even told the story of R though I left out some details which are private and I don't want to make R look like a total duche bag. So I just kind of said somethings like how I reacted and I actually got people saying good. I think a lot of what I said to R was totally uncalled for some of it was really mean but, aparently our break up still completely his fault which it was but, it was also exactly what he wanted so I guess it was good. I am not good with people or even with trying to be someone that I'm not. I know that nobody wants me to be someone I am not but, people THAT is what first dates are like. I mean you have to make small talk and try to get to know someone and it's scary as hell. Muscles is exactly that a bunch of MUSCLES. He said he doesn't read a lot and I happen to be an avid reader. R and I didn't have a lot in common but, he what I would call an intellect. R is intelligent and I usually go out with guys who are very intelligent because I like mind over anything else. I am attracted to people who are smart and witty. Muscles doesn't read and he more of a physcial kind of a guy. My mother thinks he is HOTT! lol.. I think he's okay. I mean he is attractive but, personality wise I wonder what we would have in common. I think one of the reasons I go for scrawy white guys is because if they ever get physcial with me I know I can protect myself even if they are stronger. When R got a little physcial I knew that his words scared me more than his physical action because I honestly think I could whip his ass. I was sparing last week with this 18 yr old guy who is a black belt in Tae kwan do or however you spell that and I was kicking his ass. I was able to knock him down by doing a sweeper which is a move where when you are punching you move your leg behind your oppoent and you basically trip them by using their weight against them. Now Muscles is a muscle kind of guy and well I hate that my mind goes straight to thinking about what if he attacks me but, pretty much every guy I have ever dated has gotten abusive with me not all but, most and since I don't date that is a lot. There are guys who I dated but, never did anythign with and they didn't hit me but, i have only really dated a few guys R was the first guy who I was with in a looong time. I guess this single girl has a date and I am not thinking it will go anywhere but, that is because I am used to jerks. Muscles was sweet enough to knock on my door and ask me out he took care to ask his friends where I lived even though it was just next door and well to listen and hear that I used to be a dancer to listen to me tell everyone about Alaska and how I miss ice skating then to suggest it to me and to suggest a place I have never been well, that I think it sweet. I would have been happy doing just about anything but, he listened because he thinks I deserve to be treated with respect but, I also get the feeling he used to females throwing themselves at him and I am not that type. Maybe I should date someone who likes me more than i do them but, i want it equal. R was someone I really liked and cared about I still like the guy and well he didn't like or care about me and it turned out bad but, I still perfer that to not liking someone. Tell me fans, Why is it so hard to find someone who likes you just as much as you like them? I know things arent always equal and one may care more than another but, I would just like to meet someone who likes me as much as I liek them. Since I only spent a few minutes alone with Muscles I won't rule out that I wont like him but, I am nervous. I refuse to ruin my idea on the guy before I even go out with him. So later today when he picks me up in his little black mustang with this funny white sticker on the side window I will get to him as a person and let all my ideas on my type of guy go because elts face it my type of guy has nto worked out for me. Lets look at R absoultely my type and he didnt like me at all nor has a lto of other guys that I am into. So ice skating I shall go later today and I must get a little bit of sleep because I have to do laundry and figure out what I should wear. I don't think a dress will do because I will get cold unless I wear leggins, but ya'all don't want to hear about what I want to wear just know that I have t find the perfect first date outfit. Sigh` see because R and I were together a while I knew exactly what to wear when I was around him and that made me confident not knowing someone and wanting to look cute I have no idea what they like but, I know I am pretty and I can pool off looking cute so I need to rest my thoughts and stop going nuts and just relax and get a couple hours.
No comments:
Post a Comment