Saturday July 2 2011

Well, I did something I am not quite sure how I feel.  I ended going to my mtgs.  At least my Friday ngiht meeting.  I need a break due to so mcuh going on.  I fell asleep and I was late giving the box to everyone which I felt bad about but, shit happens.    When I woke up I realised R had hit me up which meant he had read my blog and something in it made him feel guilty.  He came over and well I reliased that his ego had taken a hit because I said he was decent in bed.  Now, I won't lie as I am sure I am not the best he has ever had but, I should give the guy a bit more credit as he is better than decent in bed.  First of all he is well propotioned in the pants department and secodnly he knows how to use his hands.  he knows to warm up the oven before sticking the turkey in.    So R is better than decent.     Last night he came over and well i did something I NEVER do unless I am in love with a guy or in a serious realtionship with and well i did it.  No, Im not in love with R not in the least nor he me and I can't explain why we did what we did I guess beecause we got caught up in the moment.    i am not talking about skippping out on protection. God no, I am already a few days late as it is.  I had to tell R not to say the word Baby I actually smacked his head and he looked at me like what?  Men, can be clueless.  I am like 99% sure I am not pregnant but, still any time I have sex even if using condoms and being careful with birth control if I am a little late which probably has to do with stress and my boobs are killing me I kept thinking OMG start already. I don't think i should get a pregnancy test because I think it would be stupid because there is no way.  I mean if I was it would suck because that be so long for R.   I would end up having a baby at this stage in my life I am pretty sure.       Who lets see my mother walked into my room thinking R had left this mornign luckily we had time to cover up with the blanket but, had it been a few minutes early she would have seen somethign she would not have wanted to see.   If she had opened my door last night well lets just say R was feeling a bit of an ego hit when I said he was decent in bed so we had ourselves a marathon which needless to say ever time we have sex we end up sweaty which is gross but, I think it means were not boring at least we try different things.   So for the Record R is better than decent he is quite good in bed I guess.  I don't have any complaints.   He asked what was lacking because if woman he's been with has said he is the ebst and well most of the guys I have been with except two have said I am the ebst but, all the guys I was in a relationship with sai dI was the ebst and I think its because I try to make an effort to do things I think they will like.   I explained to R that beause were not dating which is wierd I don't know how to describe our realtionship.  I'm his partner but, we don't do lunch or dinner or do anything else liek that we don't even hang out untill late at night.  So there is no romance or connection and that is what makes things different but, because of what we have we cannot have those things so it cannot be anything mroe.    I think he understood.     It's wierd not knowing what to expect or what to do when it comes to him so I let him call the shots that way I don't have to take balme when it blows up in my face.  I don't have to deal with a whole bunch of emotions.   Simple is good, Do I wish for hanging out on occasion I guess i do but, at the same time I don't know if I would be able to handle that like he and I dno't get along I mean we kidn of fight. He says something hrutful and I pretend like its okay and then we have sex and its all kind of forgotten.
   R is the type of guy who loves ot cuddle but, once its over he is very quick to leave so I have concluded that he is a cuddle whore and when its over its back to the FWBs thing.  He lieks ot sleep over but, I think that is only because at night after sex he get really tired.  WIth mornign sex the guy is peppy as can be and I want to go to sleep.  We are complete opposities when it comes to that kind of thing.  I still have my plans for tonight. I will be going home taking a nap then cleaning my hosue and doing laundry then I will be having a beauty night after everything is cleaned then I will do what I planned on doing.   Nothing has changed in my thinking.  I still plan on doing what I have planned I will talk about it later because I don't want anything coming bewteen my plans. Funny how life turns out we never know what to expect and when we get what has always been what is there we find that it doesn't matter. In the end you can't fix somethign broken so the only solution is to put it in storage where eventually it will be forgotten.   Have a good night everyone.  I am taking a coworker home then I am getting some ciggerttes and doign what I need to do.  Good night.

Life as of July 1st. 2011

It's been a long time since I've written anything. Life has been too busy and hasen't been exactly great.   I have been working a lot and even work is not going well.  After tomorrow working six days in a row for the 2nd week straight I will have seven days off and it is not by choice my job is making me.  I have a ton of leave saved up because I never get to take vacations they can never spare me but, my new boss is making me take some time which is good and I also now get weekends off when I don't have to work six days in a row.  I don't know if you guys remember R but, I have been seeing him again and by seeing him I don't mean sating or even talking to him. He comes over to my house and we sleep together.  Most times he stays the night I guess because he likes to cuddle and then he is gone and if he comes back the next ngiht we talk during the day through text if not then we don't talk at all.   I found out his roommate hates me.  I can only imagine because I decided not to let someone eles' feelings for me determine what I would do that and he doesn't like that his best buddy stays over at my place so often and leaves him alone to be miserable by himself.    Is R a nice guy?  I guess.  I miss Skeleton jack he was my friend but, his life was not going so well. He had so much going on and I did what I could to help but, life for him was difficult and still is so I don't get to talk to him very often even though I text him all the time.  I often wonder if he is upset that I hooked up with R.  I knew Skeleton Jack liked me but, I didn't get the feeling that we were anything but, great friends.  He was someone that talked to me and I talked to.  I was hoping to have him come stay with me this week to hang out with me and my family.  Would R ever hang out with me or my family?  NO, hahaha which is how it is supposed to be I guess.   At first it didn't bother me because well I have fun with him and it's easy to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else but, at times it makes me feel even lonlier than when I am alone.   I think the funny thing is I don't feel lonely though I am alone.  I am content with everything yet, I am still unhappy.  I told R a couple secrets because well I basically had no choice.   My life has no joy in it and I miss joy.  I thought I could change things myself just by being postitive but, it's not like that.  I go swimming with my brother and I do little thigns but, all the big things in my life that make me want to scream are still there.   I still come home to a messy home that i can't leave because I am made to feel guilty and I love my family too much to just leave them when they need me.    I come home from work and I cook and I clean. I then have to go to bed so I can wake up after doing this for a few weeks I then work a second job house sitting which pays for my  school completely and then school starts and I do all that and go to school.       Lately the only thing that relieves a bit of stress is scewing R and well, then I feel bad about myself.  I let people think I do stuff like this all the time like Skeleton Jack has stayed with me for a weekend and we never had sex or even kissed.  I let people think I am a certain way because it's easier it allows them to think of me in a certain light and though I hate they way they treat me it keeps them the hell away from me.    I think I am done.  I am done going to meetings anymore though you won't see me drinking or anything like that. I just don't care anymore.   Saturday night is my last day of work for a week then I have both my jobs starting back up again.   After work on Saturday I have plans.   I will start by doing my hair and making sure my hosue is cleaned from top to bottom.  I will then have a beauty night and make myself look like a perfect little doll.  When I am completely finished I will go to bed and though I have bigegr plans I am not yet ready to reveal them because I don't want them to change but, tomorrow I will write a blog and let people know what my plans are.   I am not sleeping with anyone other than R at this time so it's nothing to do with that.  I have not slept with anyone since the first time I hooked up with R.   I always stick with one person even when not dating them.   Sadly I have one Jack Ass his name is Clark Bar who etxts me saying come get in my bed when I don't know him nor have i ever even hung out with him.   He saw me across a room once and we talked online a bit.  The guy texts me as though I am some whore who will jump into his bed.  I am a bit picky about who I let in my bed even if it doesn't seem like that.  The Three Minute Man I should have been pickier with him but, it was twice and lesson well learned.   At least with R he's decent in bed.  He's the type of guy a girl should like.  I don't know why I don't.  I like him right before sex and after sex but, then comes a moment when the hormones have faded and he is just another guy one who doesn't even like my personality but, the arragement is nice because were not mean to each other.   He isn't mean to me and there is no alse pretenses like he doesn't pretend he cares about me when he doesn't.    He is honest and he may say sorry and feel bad about something but, it doesn't change how he is with me and I respect him for that.   Most girls would throw a fit because the guy doesn't give false promises about how they will hang out or something but, I guess I don't want anymore pretending I pretend enough with R as it is.  He pretends I am a girl he is in love with like saying her name as he falls asleep holding me and I pretend that I don't know I am unwanted or I pretend I didn't hear it.  I pretend that he is someone else holding me.  Someone who is gone and never coming back.      But he is a nice guy and I like him a lot most of the time I remind myself all the bad things about our arragement or make myself feel worse about it than in reality I do because I need to remember what our arrangement is.   When it comes to sex the hormones released can trick someone into thinking they feel something btu, when they hormones fade you are left to be normal and usually alone because the guy thinks you had feelings when you really didn't.   I don't know how many times I thought I was in love because I got off on the new and exciting emotions of meeting someone new.

        I am at work now and after work I will go home and clean house then I will cook dinner and get ready go to my mtg that I will leave because I don't want to be near those people.   The people in those rooms not all but, most have made me feel worse abou myself than I ever felt before and I can play the vicitm and feel like shit all on my own I don't need any help.   I think right now I would just rather be left alone.   I want to be alone to do all the little things in life that I have to do and I want to fuck R a few times a week in order to look forward to something and to get off because well I enjoy his penis and we do ahve a somewhat hot time kissing and running our hands along each other's bodies.    I can't say that he and I fuck because at times it has come dangerously close to being making love without there being any love bewteen us so I say we have sex and R is a sweet guy I don't think he likes the idea of himself treating me a certain way or objectfying me.   The truth is he is a nice guy and he doesn't do anything that I don't allow him to do and he what he and I are doing works for me.     Fucking a nice guy at my house his roommate hates me so we don't go to his place and I think he is a little embarassed about screwing the fat not so pretty chick doesn't quite fix the stress I have because I have to do the rest.  
      I think my mood is some serious Pmsing lol my boobs hurt like crazy as with PMS and I may be a little crazier and moodier than usual because I am a couple of days late.  No, I am not pregnant. R is the only guy I have been with and we always use proetction and I always make sure he knows to check so nothign breaks so NOT PREGGOS not like I would say anythign even if I was lol I would just leave but, I'm not.  I am pmsing and acting like a bitch and crying because Im tired and I deal with my mother who is not easy to get along with.   She makes me ashamed and I love ehr but, I also hate her.  I don't understand how I can love her so much but, I hate the fact that I am the mother and have been for a long time.  I get mad when I work all day and come home to a messy house and she gets to sit on the couch watching tv and making messes than I have to do yet again.   I never have enough time to clean my own room and then they go in there when I am not home because they like my bed and they make messes in there.  
   Well I have typed enough bitching and whinning for today.  I get off work in a couple of hours and I need to finish just a few things though i did most of my work early and then I go home and maybe I will catch a little nao because I am tired.      So here is my blog of nothingness for today and tomorrow night when I get off work I  will reveal my big plans for saturday night.   No, I will nto be having sex as R is busy and there is no one else so it's not that.   I will not be drinking or anything of that nature.  The plans are good though and I more excited for tomorrow night that I have been about anything else in my medicore life for a very long time. ;)