GRRRRR

Well, I wasn't going to write another blog today seeing as I already did and I was in a pretty calm mood though I will probably always feel sick and get a bit angry when I think of R anyway he and I texted today and the LITTLE WORM actually admitted everything I had already thought to be true like how he never cared and the only reason he felt anything was because I went through so much and got hurt BUT, the only reason he cared at all was because he didn't like being the bad guy or people thinking of him as the bad guy.  UMM hello then don't be the fucking bad guy??!!!!   So here I am writting yet again because he pissed me off so bad.   I told him that though I was never in love with him I did care about him because of the time we spent together not to mention to me he wasn't just a lay but, another human being and unlike what he once told me how he viewed us as I was NOT cold to him nor did I try to be emotionless and just logical the time I spent with him I did not look toward the future I just went with the flow and enjoy his company as I would another human being... To me that seems much more logical and humane but, i guess I'm just crazy into thinking hey treat someone like a person and don't go physco on them but, go with the flow then again I am the one who was treated like shit and got hurt perhaps R is on to something.  I won't be doing that again I can honestly say but, he addmitted it and that's something though I still think he is a slimy little worm.    It sucks really disliking someone that you cared about and had a realtionship with because I did care for him and I did enjoy spending time with him at the very least I thought of him as a friend becasue we were spending our lives with each other in them and if I let someone into my life I am giving THEM the pleasure of my company but, hell I was soooo wrong and I usually am a really bad sense of character as in i constantly surround myself with men who have none.     Anyway so I had to write this blog because I was seeing red and I want nothing more than to kick that little twerp in the nuts but, when my anger fades I will go back to missing him in my bed which is PATHEIC luckily as each day passes I hold on to the feeling of hating him and that feeling passes so soon I won't miss him at all I mean if I meant nothing to him and he didn't even have the decncy of treating me as a human being or a friend then why the hell should I think of him as one??? ANSWER: I shouldn't !!   So off I go to calm down and enjoy the rest of my night with someoen who may actually give a shit about me.. Oh and R broke yet another promsie to me... He PROMSIED he wouldn't read my blogs anymore and yet he still does...  I swear that guy wouldn't know how to keep his word if it was locked in a bag and he was given the damn key.   Then again when someone has no character or lacks being a man they don't hold onto their word.  A man to me is strong not because he is physically strong but, mentally.  A man keeps his word because your word is all you have in life.   A man treats ALL women with respect and is kind to all.  A man suurounds himself with people who are good and kind as well not JERKS or people with questionable character.  A man tries to always do the right thing nto because it is expected but, because ti is right. A man works on himself and keeps his mind sharp. A MAN is something that so many guys these days are not.  It is a shame but, to be a man one must learn to be so and with so many gusy running out on their kids how will a son learn to be a man when his father is not one.    R is not a man. He is a little boy who is afraid of the world.   I am surprised the guy is not afraid of the vagaina considering his actions.  Okay enough I am no longer pissed offf.. Hopefully R stays off all my pages and fucks off. What is it he wants anyway?? What is it he thinks I write about him??  Nothing flattering just the TRUTH.. Things he says and actions he makes.. If he doesn't like then he should STOP DOING THEM.. Hell I had stopped contact with him and yet somehow it always comes back to fighting and me getting pissed off by how little someone could treat another person..  SO men take my advice and start these actions to be a MAN not a whiny little child... Being an ASSHOLE doesn't make you a man it just makes you an ASSHOLE.

New day new outlook

okay so this weekend I was still pretty upset with everything that has been going on in my life.  Today I woke up around 6am and as I waited for my French Vanilla coffee to finish brewing I realised I am not that upset anymore.  I have this personality where I get really angry and then in a moment's notice it's just gone and I don't care anymore I just forget about it other people remember it but, not me.   I slept all day yesterday and all last night due to staying up the night before which I am not used to.  I like going ot bed early now because I am not sixteen anymore and because sleep is the only thing I can count on in my life.    Sleep is a peaceful break from the world I know.   So today up early I woke and after drinking a cup of coffee I headed out to do some shopping and hurried home because I do have to work and well, I want to watch a movie before I head off to an office I absoultly can't stand anymore luckily on Mondays no one is there so I  get to spend my time quickly doing all my work and then I spend the rest of my time reflecting on my life and thinking about things and it is I want and how I can achive it.   A better job CHECK, finish school working on it, then starts the difficult stuff like wanting a relationship.   Some people are cut out to be with another human being and to be in love me I am not one of those people.   I don't like public affection, I hate spending too much time with anyone.  I like spending time with me because I don't want to lose me in another person and after so many years of not dating and this being the first year I have actually tried I realise that I am just not cut out for it yet.   Maybe some day I will be but, when you have had that perfect moment in your life like I once had, it's hard to settle however I also don't want to be a person who lives in the past which is why I try at all.   So for now because R was such a douche to me and I should have walekd away long before I did I will take time to search within myself and I will come back and think WAIT NO REALTIONSHIPS are still full of shit.   The people who are in them that I know aren't happy.   The ones I have been in I was always happy and I always made the other person happy but, I usually walked away for no reason what so ever.   This is the first time in ages where I have stuck something out and thought I dont want to walk away I want to see what else there is because life can be exciting and the feelings that hard to face those are the ones that make life worth it.    I don't want everyday to be the same.  I don't want t be one of thsoe people who only stays busy because if they stopped and thought about it they would realise just how full of shit their life is.   Yes, I like to better myself and that keeps me busy but, honestly I dont want to do to avoid everything else in my life.    usually after a realtionship ends I start looking for something or I make a huge change in my life in order to get a little excitment I think its to make up for lack of sex.   SEX is overrated.  R got so pissed about him finding out I faked it which I told him but, guys I have to tell you just because a girl fakes it once or twice doesn't mean she always does and it doesn't mean you cant get her there.    Actually if she cares enough to fake it she likes you more because my girlfriends and I will just walk away from a guy and say okay Im done trying LOL.. Yes, have been a bitch in the past.   I mean a girl can fake it because shes bored or has something on her mind.   Guys dont always reach that point in sex okay its a hell of a lot less likely that they dont get off but, think about it.  Sometimes guys dont get off with head or with straight sex they need to finish or soemthing else.   It doesnt mean a whole lot especially if a guy has gotten the girl to get off before.      Guys are so damn senstive about that and there is no reason to be.   I think what bothers men more is that girls tell their close girlfriends about it.  Girls go into detail not always and only with our besties and yes, we will laugh but, we rarely talk about a guys size unless he is super small or super huge.  If the guys is just right we don't mention size and we may talk about something missing in the bedroom for us but, we don't look at it like a big deal.   Men talk about sex all the time and they love to bragg not all guys but some.   Girls talk because we want to make sure that its not us when there is a problem or we want to know other's tricks in order to help and make the bedroom more exciting.    Me?  I've done a hell of a lot to please someone in the bedroom but, i was with a guy for about eight years and after eight years you find stuff to make it exciting other wise you get bery bored.    Sex in the begining of a realtionship is exciting and you have it everyday and blah blah blah the longer you are with someone the more its not sucha big deal but, if you work at it then that spark never dies, you always have chemistry and sex is always good.   So R got mad especially that my friends knew but I have to say the guy wasn't bad in bed.  He wasn't always great nor was I there were times I was tired and sex was the last thing I wanted to do but, sometimes as a woman I feel if Im with someone and I dont have sex with them as often as possible then they wont want me and I have ONLY ever felt that with R because R is the ONLY guy I have ever been with that I didn't really want to be with and who didnt really want ot be with me but, we stayed together out of a stupid reason and when I finally broke up with him I missed his company as a friend but, I knew I did what was right.      The outlook I have right now on life is something that will change and I am sure that life will be hard once again.     I told that one guy who had called me so late at night that NO... He seemed nice enough but, just not my type then again I dont any guy right now is going to be my type.    Time to heal and it hurts having been through a lot of bad stuff but,  I refuse to let people destroy me  because I once did and it took a very long time to come out of the darkness and to even let the sun shine on my body and feel warmth after feeling cold for so very long.   Now time to get ready for work,  For those wondering I am down ten pounds.   Yeah I dont eat a whole lot but, lately I eat less and less plus I drink I diet soda lately.   My goal is to not try and lose weight but, hey after a bad relationship if this is the one perk I get I will take it.   Signing off now. 

Night Out

Okay so after writting my blog yesterday I read it and realized what bullshit it was so I decided to have a girls night.   I had planned on getting completely drunk but, after I got there I decided against it.   I wasn't going to sink to a level that isn't me.  I was able to get advice from GIRLFRIENDS yes, ladies girlfriends are the best.     One of my girlfriends told me to stop being sad because he never cared about me.  We talked about some things and i was able to explain why i was so upset.  It felt good to get out of the house and not mope around.  I even talked to a guy who had asked me out before when R and I were "together" I should never have let R or any other man in my life and that's a lesson that was well learned.   The only screwed up thing about last night is R thinks I said something that I didn't.  I thought I would be more upset and bothered by it but, Im not I guess since the guy moved on and I know that he never cared about me it was eay to just say fuck it.     So I got to get out of the house and chat and have a good time and yes, I even played poker which I won ;)     I also deleted R's real name and some other stuff in the heat of the moment I was so pissed off.  A few nights ago he threw it in my face that he was sleeping with someone then said he wasn't which I figured and that couldn't wait to tell me how he met someone and was driving a hell of a long way to go to dinner with her.   I was so angry because he had no reason to throw any of that crap in my face and I don't know why he would when he would tell me how he hates that Im hurting and how he took part in it.    So it was bullshit hell even now I want to cry thinking about everything but, I won't.  Over a year ago I had not cried in FIVE YEARS.  I shut myself off completely and I am doing it again.   I'm not going to be a slave to life and any bullshit it throws my way.   When I had shut myself off I was fine.  I didn't need anybody and I liked it that way.  I still don't need anybody but, the fact I found myself wanting someone shows how dangeously close I got to allowing myself to sink into something that isn't me.   It is no use wanting things that are out of yoru control. I thought about giving the guy I talked to last ngiht a chance hell he even called around 3am which set off warnings in my head but, after speaking with him I realized im just not into him.  It could be a while before I find any man worth while or could just be the fact that he isn't my type.  Either way it's no sweat off my back.    Well I am tired and I need to get some sleep.  i finally saw that movie Friends With Benefits that R promised to take me to go see but, since we broke he said he had no intention of going with me so i saw it myself and may I say that thought the movie is adorable and is meant to give all girls around the world that their pwerfect guy is a one night stand away ITS NOT REAL!!!! and life doesnot turn out like that so any girls out there that still think romantic comedies can happen THEY DONT and THEY WONT.  Well I going to drift off to sleep because sleep in the one place I can go lately where I can dream about things that are so very real in my dreams it is only when I awake had find  that I wanted to go back but it boils down to will I write about my life or will I live it???