New day new outlook

okay so this weekend I was still pretty upset with everything that has been going on in my life.  Today I woke up around 6am and as I waited for my French Vanilla coffee to finish brewing I realised I am not that upset anymore.  I have this personality where I get really angry and then in a moment's notice it's just gone and I don't care anymore I just forget about it other people remember it but, not me.   I slept all day yesterday and all last night due to staying up the night before which I am not used to.  I like going ot bed early now because I am not sixteen anymore and because sleep is the only thing I can count on in my life.    Sleep is a peaceful break from the world I know.   So today up early I woke and after drinking a cup of coffee I headed out to do some shopping and hurried home because I do have to work and well, I want to watch a movie before I head off to an office I absoultly can't stand anymore luckily on Mondays no one is there so I  get to spend my time quickly doing all my work and then I spend the rest of my time reflecting on my life and thinking about things and it is I want and how I can achive it.   A better job CHECK, finish school working on it, then starts the difficult stuff like wanting a relationship.   Some people are cut out to be with another human being and to be in love me I am not one of those people.   I don't like public affection, I hate spending too much time with anyone.  I like spending time with me because I don't want to lose me in another person and after so many years of not dating and this being the first year I have actually tried I realise that I am just not cut out for it yet.   Maybe some day I will be but, when you have had that perfect moment in your life like I once had, it's hard to settle however I also don't want to be a person who lives in the past which is why I try at all.   So for now because R was such a douche to me and I should have walekd away long before I did I will take time to search within myself and I will come back and think WAIT NO REALTIONSHIPS are still full of shit.   The people who are in them that I know aren't happy.   The ones I have been in I was always happy and I always made the other person happy but, I usually walked away for no reason what so ever.   This is the first time in ages where I have stuck something out and thought I dont want to walk away I want to see what else there is because life can be exciting and the feelings that hard to face those are the ones that make life worth it.    I don't want everyday to be the same.  I don't want t be one of thsoe people who only stays busy because if they stopped and thought about it they would realise just how full of shit their life is.   Yes, I like to better myself and that keeps me busy but, honestly I dont want to do to avoid everything else in my life.    usually after a realtionship ends I start looking for something or I make a huge change in my life in order to get a little excitment I think its to make up for lack of sex.   SEX is overrated.  R got so pissed about him finding out I faked it which I told him but, guys I have to tell you just because a girl fakes it once or twice doesn't mean she always does and it doesn't mean you cant get her there.    Actually if she cares enough to fake it she likes you more because my girlfriends and I will just walk away from a guy and say okay Im done trying LOL.. Yes, have been a bitch in the past.   I mean a girl can fake it because shes bored or has something on her mind.   Guys dont always reach that point in sex okay its a hell of a lot less likely that they dont get off but, think about it.  Sometimes guys dont get off with head or with straight sex they need to finish or soemthing else.   It doesnt mean a whole lot especially if a guy has gotten the girl to get off before.      Guys are so damn senstive about that and there is no reason to be.   I think what bothers men more is that girls tell their close girlfriends about it.  Girls go into detail not always and only with our besties and yes, we will laugh but, we rarely talk about a guys size unless he is super small or super huge.  If the guys is just right we don't mention size and we may talk about something missing in the bedroom for us but, we don't look at it like a big deal.   Men talk about sex all the time and they love to bragg not all guys but some.   Girls talk because we want to make sure that its not us when there is a problem or we want to know other's tricks in order to help and make the bedroom more exciting.    Me?  I've done a hell of a lot to please someone in the bedroom but, i was with a guy for about eight years and after eight years you find stuff to make it exciting other wise you get bery bored.    Sex in the begining of a realtionship is exciting and you have it everyday and blah blah blah the longer you are with someone the more its not sucha big deal but, if you work at it then that spark never dies, you always have chemistry and sex is always good.   So R got mad especially that my friends knew but I have to say the guy wasn't bad in bed.  He wasn't always great nor was I there were times I was tired and sex was the last thing I wanted to do but, sometimes as a woman I feel if Im with someone and I dont have sex with them as often as possible then they wont want me and I have ONLY ever felt that with R because R is the ONLY guy I have ever been with that I didn't really want to be with and who didnt really want ot be with me but, we stayed together out of a stupid reason and when I finally broke up with him I missed his company as a friend but, I knew I did what was right.      The outlook I have right now on life is something that will change and I am sure that life will be hard once again.     I told that one guy who had called me so late at night that NO... He seemed nice enough but, just not my type then again I dont any guy right now is going to be my type.    Time to heal and it hurts having been through a lot of bad stuff but,  I refuse to let people destroy me  because I once did and it took a very long time to come out of the darkness and to even let the sun shine on my body and feel warmth after feeling cold for so very long.   Now time to get ready for work,  For those wondering I am down ten pounds.   Yeah I dont eat a whole lot but, lately I eat less and less plus I drink I diet soda lately.   My goal is to not try and lose weight but, hey after a bad relationship if this is the one perk I get I will take it.   Signing off now.