Well, R and I are offically no more. Yes, he broke up with me a few weeks ago and well.. I think I fooled myself into thinking I could be enough or I could do enough. Most of the time I couldn't stand him. I would call him another's name and he never even noticed because he had no real feelings for me and any feelings I had for him left the day he made me cry and he has made me cry a lot by reminding me how I am not enough. Little words about working out to remind me I don't look good enough or thin enough. His friends all hating me and letting me and him know that they think I am a raging bitch. I think people forget that I am tough because I have to be. I can't even say anything bad about R because he isn't a bad guy he is a coward and yes, he is a a guy who is more of a child than a man but, he all that will change in time. I know that I will leave a lasting impression on the guy and he won't on me. I won't let him. I told him last night that I never wanted to speak or see him again. I couldn't handle the stress anymore not to mention feeling bad about myself all the freaking time. I would get asked out or hit on by a few guys and I've gotten asked out and when I should have gone I didn't been the sitution with R is well was complicated. I just realised I deserve better. I can't lie and say I'm thrilled. He eased a little bit of lonliness that I feel and I liked pretending he loved me and I him when neither of really cared.
Life is complicated right now. I let him walk away and he gave me the option of making it my choice so I wouldnt feel as rejected as he made me feel. I talked to my girlfriend L today and her life is complicated too. It's good we can lean on each other and talk about everything.
I am moving soon so that's something. I am changing a lot of things about myself. I just don't want to deal with anything anymore. To be honest I want to go to sleep and just never wake up. Im so sick of life. Im sick of it all. I don't want to feel and I don't have a choice. Soon something will happen and I wont wake up. I will learn its all a bad dream and I am not alone in this horrible place where any joy that can be found is pushed away because it resembles anything to me. If I touch or go near anything it's unwanted and it's all about me being unwanted and Im tired of it! I'm tired of knowing I do good and I am good and to be taken for granted. I don't want to be around here anymore so I just won't. I don't want any of it anymore I want to go to sleep I want to learn this is a nightmare. I want to realize that I have had enough because a person can only take so much. I don't care if everyone thinks Im a bitch and I have no feelings because I do! I feel just as much as anyone else so why is it that if I am hurt that it is my fault? I make stupid choices but, at least I know when to walk the hell away and not look back. I doubt I will be writting many blogs anymore. I may for a week or two more and then I won't write another. When people ask me how I am I say fine. I am fine. I will always be fine... Fine just isn't good enough anymore and I am slipping away. The spark I had that lights up and has me laugh and play is slipping more and mroe each day and with each experience. I have lost myself. I could be descriptive and talk about what's inside and make it sound as a writer should but, I just don't feel like it I am numb and therefore I will accpect this nothingness I feel and what I will feel soon with the only knowledge that someday soon I won't have to feel ever again .
