Socially awkward!

I have this problem. I am really socially awkward.  I talked to R yesterday and we made plans to see each other next Friday though I am kind or rethinking on that.  We thought perhaps we would get together last night, but he had plans hanging out with a friend of his and my neighbors were having another party that they invited me to.  The chick neighbor LilC is really nice and sweet.  Her roommate B is kind of cool, and I met a lot of people at the parties I like and can hang out with, but there are also a lot of people I can't freaking stand.  Last night I texted R to see if maybe he wanted to drop off and get what we plan to get done on Friday last night, but he ignored me.  He had told me he was busy and would talk to me later so when I texted him asking if he wanted to stop by I figured he would say no or something because when we made plans for next friday and he thought I meant last night he said it would be last if he came by.  R never even texted me back which is okay.    The only reason I wanted him to come at all was because I would have felt less awkward since I don't really know anyone too well.      I get in these social situtions and I act stupid.   I always end up looking stuck up and bitchy is what one girl called me because I just kind of sit there and I do smile at everyone and I try to talk, but I don't know what the hell to talk about and if I try to tell a funny joke it comes out all wrong and not funny at all.    SO there I sat smiling at everyone and I had brought some stuff because you never go to someone's house for dinner or a party empty handed and I had brought food as last time it was a bunch of booze I also brought sparklers last night and we had fun making some cool pictures, but then the talking and hanging out started and I didn't know what to say.   Some people were playing rock band or Beer Pong and they asked me to play or to sing since my neighbors have heard me sing before and they like the way I sing, but I didn't feel at ease so I said I would just watch.     The one guy I knew other than my neighbor was Muscles who had asked me out and I started teasing him about standing me up and he said he didn't think he had and even though I kept telling him it wasn't a big deal and laughing about it some drunk girl gave me the nastiest look all because I said I couldnt allow myself to go out with him and still expect respect from him, but maybe in the future.   I was really nice about it and yet this girl gave me a dirty look and then called me a bitch.   She had two girlfriends with her and they gave me dirty looks as well.      I have never been good in social situtions.    I always talk way to much and I say things that are wildly inapproiate and I come off as stupid, bitchy, or even a slut.   When no one talks to me then I get really quiet and then I get accused of being stuck up when really I just don't know what I am supposed to talk about.   I asked everyone lots of questions about themselves and I smiled and said that's really neat/cool when someone would say something that they seemed proud of even if I thought they were boring as all hell.    I had hoped R would have came over even though we didn't have plans because now I am freaking out about seeing him next week.   It's not him or how we will be together that has me worried it's something that I don't care to share.   If R had been at the party I would have been able to be myself more.   Actually LilC's dad who is visiting and a really cool old guy is who I talked to most at the party.   Yes, I soent the whole night talking to a guy in his fifties and he was really nice to me.   He could tell I was nervous so he tried to make me feel at ease as did his daughter my neighbor LilC.    I ended up leaving the party kind of early because I was tired and because some chick called me a bitch.  She didn't say BITCH, but she said it in girl tounge.   I said I was kind of proud of being a bitch, but I like to add the word tough to it because it means I won't let people walk all over me.    This was when I was teasing Muscles about standing me up and even though he knew I was kidding for some reason this girl seemed to think that I was being a bitch even though I didn't say anything bad about it.    I'd like to think it was just because she was drunk, but her friend who is a girl i met at the last party is someone I didn't hit off with.   I hit it off with all of the females expect for this sub group of girls who are loud and obxnious.       I didn't make a big deal about the girl being rude and I didn't just walka way and leave.  I finished my cigerette smiled and said goodbye to LilC who gave me a hug as well as some other people giving me a hug that I've met before and I went home.     I don't like to think of it as I ran away because i was also really tired, but I like to think of it as I didn't like being there and I wasn't having fun so I left and I think it's okay that if you try something and are just not happy with it then you can leave.    There is supposed to be another party tonight, but I don't plan on going.  At the party everyone knew each other and we would all be talking and then they would go off talking abotu people I don't know or making jokes that were private jokes all night or jokes that you just had to be there.     Maybe I am not trying hard enough to fit in, but really I think I am trying too hard.     When I get to know someone and I feel comfortable around someone I don't talk a lot, but I can certainly hold a conversation. I also joke when I know someone and i can be funny.   A bunch of people have always said I am just not funny, but when I get to know someone then I am funny because I am more myself.   When I talk to my best friends or even to R since I know R in a more intimate fashion he may not be a best friend, but because we are friendly towards each other and because we know each other inmitaely and leaned on each other for support I certinaly know him. I know how he thinks now the way he processes thoughts because I have seen him try to make sense of a difficult situation.  If R and I had never gone through all the bad stuff we had to then he and I would probably be strangers and we probably wouldn't be talking now, but once again that bond that I didn't want does exsists.   For some strange reason he is ignoring me, but I don't know why.  I would like to think he is just busy, but R almost always texts back and the only time he doesn't is when he doesn't want to talk because he is pissed off.    frankly not talking to him doesn't bother me, but to think he is mad at me or ignoring me for no reason that kind of bugs me because I always wonder what I have did wrong.   It doesn't even bother me if he is pissed at me anymore, but my confidence has taken a turn on the low side because of the stupid party last night.  Lately my self esteem has been increadibly low.   i don't understand.  I do everything in my household.   I do all the cleaning, shopping, driving them paces, and running all the errands including paying for everything.  I actually showed up to the party late last night because my family was out and I spent the time cleaning because my brother and mother won't do it.  I even left the party a time before I left for good because I needed to finish all the work i had done because when my family goes out shopping and out to Dinner whcih they do a couple times a week I usually don't go because they don't treat me very nicely when I clean and then an hour later it's a pigsty again.  I choose not to go because I don't want to be around them and if I go out when they go out or I choose to stay home because I am exhaused from all that I do if they come home and the house is messy then I get bitched out because I don't clean up their messes.  Even when I didn't live here when I come over and stay for a night, the house would be gross and I was required to clean it up LOL yeah it's patheic.   So I cleaned last night and when they came home once again they had said they would to bring me some dinner home as a Thank You for cleaning and they didn't, but I stopped caring about that crap because it's stupid.  My family came home and my brother went over to the party.  Yes, my younger under age brother who doesn't do anything, in chores, grades, or work and he is told to go have fun.  I was at home cleaning and they came in and threw all of their bags and food everywhere.   I don't know why it upsets me so much and I am sure it is stupid, but with everything that has happened in my life in the past month i feel lost.   I am trying very hard to keep happy, but I start thinking about the future and I get scared. I think about how I handling things in my life and I question it all.   I want to push off on seeing R ho just texted me by the way I guess he's no tmad just doesn't care if he texts me back or not so that's cool.  Now, I know that he is where I am that responding or talking to me doesn't bother him, but he can do without and since that's where I am it works.   I am guessing that is how he feels, but he didn't say so.  Since that is how I feel it's good to know. I like talking to R and I love that he and I aren't fighting anymore, and I want to see him in some way, but in another way I \keep thinking I can't see him.  i can't really explain why I feel the way I do, but I do know that I am stressed out in my life and I am going to smile and I am going to go and clean the upstairs even though I am hurt by my family I will continue to keep up with doing all that I can and I am going to try really ahrd to remember that iI can't control other people only myself and no, my family doesn't deserve me doing so much and even they will say they don't like a little while ago they say sorry and they will do more, but then they don't and I lose trust.   My dad wants to pay for me to get new glasses and contacts.  I have insurance I don't need him to pay for anythign, but my parents said that I earned a few things, but I don't want stuff like that.  I am fully capable of doing stuff like that on my own what I want is simple consideration the only thing I have been saying for a long time now.   My dad tells me he loves me and he does what he can to make me feel spprecaited, but the only way they really know how or the easiest way instead of picking up after themselves or doing some grocery shopping or laundry once in a while is that they buy me something or pay for stuff.    I hate that because I AM NOT FOR SELL.   Why do people think they can buy love?   I don't give a shit about money or gifts I never have.  to me the way you show love is with actions.  treating someone nice or doing something nice for them is how you show it.    In my parents eyes buying me stuff is something nice and that shows love.   Buying stuff is nice, but it doesn't make up for name calling or not showing any consideration or respect.      I hate that i feel like I am whining.   Today is an off day.  That stupid party even though noone heard the girl being rude to me and it didn't upset me in a big way I was really mroe tired than anything I STILL have not went to bed in a couple of days.   I feel drunk from lack of sleep and I have even been crying when I hate crying.    I want to be positive, but I am off my game today.  Tomorrow will be a better day of that I am sure.   So until later people i will try and smile and to breathe to let go of my stress, but I can't promise any results only that I try.   Until Later >>> PEACE