Well, I talked to R today and we didn't fight. We haven't fought in a while. I guess I have so much time to reflect on everything that I see things I never saw before. I see that R and I have this special bond now that is only between him and I because of things we went through things that were hard and we both cried at times but, it is only for us. I won't ever say what we went through and that is because it is something I can not talk about. My best friend knows and R knows. I am sure some of his family and a friends know but, it is nto something he talks about with them often and of that I am fairly certain. We talk to others when we need to but, I think we talk to each other more. R and I have this bond and at the time that we went through so much together we only really had each other to lean on. He leaned on me when he talked about how he felt and they were feelings that were full of anger, fear, hurt and even a I think at times a small amount of joy. I didn't always like his feelings and they made me angry but, I listened and I held him and he supported me. When I cried he held me when I let him. I told him my feelings and he didn't always like them at times we both were angry with each other but, we were there for one another even if because we were hurting and angry and didn't like what the other said it seemed as though we weren't there for one another but, we were and it took me a while to see that because I was focused on so many things that built up until all I could see was my own pain just as R could only see his pain. That doesn't me we didn't see each other hurting and try to make it better we did but, we were both focused on ourselves at the end. Now that he and I are over were healing and we are left with this bond and the anger is gone and I feel good about that. No, I am not thinking about getting back together with him :) Sorry to disapoint I am simply saying what i have always said even when I was angry with him that he is a good guy. Yes, he has made me pain and I have called him a piece of shit just as he has called me a bitch lol and I was to him as he was to me but, he has always tried to be a good man he is not perfect but, we have still leaned on each other more than I think either one of us has leaned on anyone else in a while. We leaned on each other more than we were comfortable with. Today I told R that if he wanted something he would have to sleep with me LOL I know it sounds funny but, I wasn't talking about sex though he thought I was. I was talking about sleeping. He always liked sleeping next to me he never once complained about that because he likes to cuddle and I am not big on cuddling but, with him I like it. I like it because he was the one to hold me when I needed it even when I didn't think I did and he insisted I liked it. Why would I ask that we sleep together? It's because friends can sleep next to each other and cuddle without it being a problem. I will always be his friend and to be able to cuddle and sleep next to each other shows that it is peaceful and it's also a bit of closure. I won't lie and say I don't miss the man's cuddles because I do. I got used to sleeping next to him for four months well he was gone for like a month of that but, as soon as he came back he was next to me and at first we didn't sleep next to each other every night but, after a while it was basically almost every night. See, I get these horrible nightmares and I don't sleep a lot which is why at 4am I am still awake and no, I won't be going to bed and sleeping all day I keep busy just like any normal person would I just do it on a lot less sleep. It's like I am afraid to sleep because I know the nightmares are coming and waking up crying is not fun because when you are asleep you can either escape and be at peace from a stressful day or your mind takes you to a place where all the feelings you bury deep in your soul and hide so well that the only way anyone every sees them is by looking into your eyes. Your eyes stop shinning and they lose a spark. The spark is a piece of your soul that hides away because if it's let out it will kill the rest of your soul. Your mind goes to this place where you feel everything times one hundred in your nightmares because the feelings come out at once. Some would say to find a healthy outlet for them but, these nightmares are ones you can't let out. You do your best and you move on from the pain and you work hard to make sure you deal with them but, they are always there. They are shadows that come to kiss you goodnight. I do my best not to let the nightmares effect my life and I do pretty good at it because I chose embrace the good things I have in my life even when life is hard and even when it kills me to do I still work at it because I have nothing else. I play the cards I was dealt. When R was next to me at night I had no nightmares. I had dreams and some were not good but, I never had one of my nightmares. Yes, sleeping next to a guy helps with my nightmares it makes me feel safe even though I can protect and take care of myself I do feel safer next to a man, but it cannot be just any man. It has to be with someone I am connected with even if only a physical level. R started out as just this great physical chemistry, this attraction we both feel for one another but, it grew because of our bond. R wanted to know if doing so would create problems giving someone false hope. I felt bad because I didn't think he would get false hope about it and I told him so. He is someone I could kiss all day and cuddle next to and even hang out with and have a blast but, I could never be a couple with him again. After I told him that I then thought maybe he thought I would get false hopes so I felt a bit stupid. R then asked me if I was ever in love with him. I told him no, I have love for him and I care about him, it is not thee love. My love for him is a love you feel for another human being and that of a friend. There are so many different types of love so I do love him in a sense of the word but, in love is very different and it is not the way I feel towards him. He said it was good because then it would have hurt me so much more the things that happened if I had been. Perhaps he's right, but I hurt pleanty and because I care for him it added to it. If I thought he was the one maybe it would have been devestating. I'm not sure I can't judge how hurt I would have been all I know is how hurt I was and the hurt I still feel. Yes, I still feel hurt but, not about anything R did. I let those feelings go a while ago. I forgave R for everything and I think he forgives me because I said a lot of mean things too. Some people think I am still better than he is but, that is bullshit. He and I both did wrong and just because he is the reason for our break up does not mean that I played no part in it. Yes, I tried very hard and I worked hard but, then I got lazy because I was tired and angry. I let him go because he wanted it and I wanted it too. I wanted it for him to be happy and for me to not be a doormat. When I told R that I wasn't IN love with him I asked him if he had ever thought he was in love with me. He never answered the question even when i said hey, you didn't answer it he still said oh oops I have to go to bed LOL. He does not want to answer that question hehe. I told him I would ask him tomorrow. See, R and I broke up the first time because he likes to have a plan and he and I didn't have a plan we were going with the flow and we were happy. There was no title or being together it was understood we weren't with anyone else but, we were free to do what we want as long as we were honest with the other one. This didn't suit well with R. He needs to have a plan because he likes to be in control. NO, he is NOT a control freak though he does like to get his way, but so do I. The difference between us is my plans are only about me. I don't plan when it concerns other people's lives because they disapoint. The first time we broke up it was hard on both of us and we both shed tears because we were happy but, R couldn't go with the flow he needed more. I don't even know if he understood it fully. R is a complex character. The other funny thing other than him not answering my question which I can't understand I answered it for him but, he won't answer it for me. I think I may even know the answer, but the funny thing is after all that has happened between us we still protect one another. This has to do with that bond I was talking about. I don't let my friends or family talk about R even though when I am mad I can say whatever I want and R doesn't let them talk about me even though he can say whatever the hell he wants when he gets mad. See, this protection over each other has to do with that bond. There is also guilt over the way we treated each other so we don't like to see someone else talk about them because we know we did the other one wrong, but mainly it has to do with our connection that we didn't expect or even want, but it appeared and with it comes caring, understanding, and protection. At least for me. I know that I protect him and stand up for him even when I am angry at him because he has a special place in my heart. No, this is not love it has to do with the things we went through which were hard, but even though at times it felt like the other one wasn't there for us we still were by each other's side. We dealt with things head on and yes, at times we slacked on the other person, but for the most part we stood by each other, we held the other one in our arms. We cried together. Does our protection mean we lose our friendships over it NO, it means that we just don't fucking like it when someone says something bad about the other one. Yes, it has happened and yeah when were angry we allow it hell, pile it on but, then I because really I don't know how R handles it but, I get upset when I cool off if someone is talking bad about him. Hell, sometimes even when I am pissed at him and someone says something too harsh I stand up for him. My best friend hates that I stand up for him, but honestly our friends don't know each other. His friends don't know me and most of my friends don't know him. Yes, my family knows him, but I still don't let my brother talk shit even though he is simply being protective over me just like our friends are doing when they jump in.
Anyway I also told R about me being stood up and he seemed to agree with me about not giving Muscles another chance even though he keeps saying sorry. R said he wouldn't stand up a girl unless he wasn't that into her or something really bad happened. Muscles didn't even call me before hand he called at the exact time of our date to cancle and we had already pushed it back two hours. R has never stood me up probably because he tries very hard to be a gentleman and he is. He opens my doors for me he will carry stuff, but I do the same for him. So I talked to R abotu Muscles and he seemed like I reacted perfectly acepectable in that situation. I figured Muscles was just nervous because he said he was, but I really didn't get an excuse as to why he stood me up so I asked him. I am still friendly with the guy because we will be seeing each other in the neighborhood at social events and such. Muscles told me he still felt bad about standing me up then told me it was because was really hungover that he got back home jacked off and went to bed. I told him saying he passed out would have sufficed. Why the hell would he tell me he jacked off?? That's gross. I don't know even freaking know him. I changed the subject to his work day after that and I was still nice. I think the way he talked to me is disgusting, but I can laugh it off because I won't date him. I don't know if he could do anything to change my mind, but I really doubt then again i don't know if hanging out later on he will gros on me, but again I doubt it. So, i can laugh at stuff like that because I am just friends with the dude if I was still going to date him I would right him off immediatley, but I already did right him off so yea I do think he needs to learn to treat a woman, but he is the type of guy who is all looks so I am sure he is used to girls dropping at the hat for him. I am not like that. it's actually funny because I think I am the first girl to say no to him. I said no to a kiss, and I said no, to gong back out wth him after he stood me up, and I said no, to all of his attemps to try and get me to go out with him on Saturday. I don't think Muscles is used to that. Muscles is not that smart. R got me the first night we met LOL, but it was because he was a gentleman well, most of the time when we went to bed he made a move and after I said no, he made a move agan lol actually I said no twice, but I gave in because I wanted to lol I just didn't want to seem that easy then again t was the first night we had met it had been like twelve hours or there close by. Why did R get the chance to get with me so quickly? R is the type of guy I go for. He is smart and he has a sweet, cute look to him. I don't go for the pretty boys though R is handsome don't get me wrong it's just in a more book worm knd of handsome. Most guys think I go for the guys who look perfect and frost their hair and use hair gel. The guys who look like they are on steroids. That's not true. I go for guys who usually think they don't stand a chance with me. I go for either the scrawy looking guy who really when he takes hs shirt off has muscle just not a lot of t or I go for a guy who isn't fat or even really chubby, but that has a little meat to him. The biggest thing is I go for guys who are more dominate than I am and who are intelligent. The smart guys who aren't perfect looking and spend loads of money on face cream or steriods, but just work out and read always think I am a bimbo with big boobs and then I speak and they hear I am smart. So, they think a good looking girl who is smart to I must be a gold digger. I think the fact my name is Heather doesn't help my case. I even stopped wearing boob shirts and started dressing more conservative in order to focus more on my face. I have a cute face and if guys focus on my eyes and not on my boobs they may take me a bit more seriously plus don't even like showing off my boobs it's just that every shrit was buying unless it was a T shirt would show off my boobs because they are so damn big. If I bought a larger shrirt then it would be too big because the shirts I have actually are to big on my stomach, but tight on the chest. I went shopping though and now get asked out even more maybe because I don't look like a skank, but I never really looked like a skank before just a little bit like one of those chicks who say O-M-G, but actually spell it out loud. The girls who are high maintanced. I had to ask R if I was high maintanced and thankfully he said no, I am not! Sweeeeeeetttt. I would hate it if I was because that is not the person I want to be or the knd of person I am. This is basically all that happened today oh and R and I did talk about sex, but only a little bit because he thought when I said sleep together I meant sex, but meant sleep then we talked about towards the end of our realtionship our we got lazy wth sex both of us mainly because we were always exhausted, stress, hurt and angry, but sex was like a requirement because we always had great sex at least I think so. It doesn't mean every time was great, but it certainly wasn't bad except the very last time we had sex it was kind of bad for both of us. We got to the end, but it took work on both our parts lol even for me I had to work to make him get to the end and he had to work to get me to the end. I think R and I will be seeing each other soon and I want to make it sooner rather than later because well, I again have my reasons on that. I am laying here typing when I should be sleeping, but my stomach is hurting a little bit most likely because I need to get up off my butt and pee yet, again. I swear I have to pee like fifty times a day and it sucks lol. Lately I even have to wake up when I do go to sleep to pee even if I just went before layed down. Try waking up because you have to pee so bad, but it beats peeing the bed LOL. Okay so I am sure none of you want to hear about my adventures with my bladder that is being pushed upon with force about to explode so I bid you all adeiu and Sweet Dreams. I will let everyone know of R's answer tomorrow or rather later today that is if he isn't a butt and tells me LOL... Oh one last thing when I told him he had to sleep with me he said it was an odd request and I said you're odd and he said no name calling LOL I think he thought I was serious. When I explained I wasn't he seemed to be in a better mood as though me teasnig him reasures him that I am not mad at him or something, but I kept telling him I wasn't mad before I just thought he was so it was hard to joke with him, but today I figured what the hell I will make the jokes and if he doesn't like it or doesn't respond well to it then I know where he stands as it is he was fine and we joked :P to each other so it puts us in the friends place all that is left is for us to hang out and really clear the air because if he and I can be in the same room and not fight and be the way we were before we ever broke up ya know minus the realtionship part but just the friendly part then it will be really good for both of us and a HUGE part of the healing and closure process. It won't be automatic closure, but that will come with the healing which is what we both need. Good night all. :)
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