Talked to R ahhhhh!

Okay so I talked to R tonight.  R and I texted back and forth because first I wanted to know if he was still reading my blogs and he's not so thats good because I didn't want him reading these anymore.  He texted me about getting together and something about closure because that is not what I want.  I am trying really hard to move and seeing him will bring up a lot of feelings and it makes me nervous.  I can't help that sometimes I do miss seeing him.  I spent almost every night with him and you get fixed on this ritual like making love, cuddling, and talking to someone.  The fact that I am no longer angry at R makes that scary because I start to think about when times were good and they weren't good so I don't like that I miss him because he is sure as heck not missing me and I don't want to be in a place where I am missing him or just missing some type of connection and going there.    IF I do see Richard I want it to be sooner rather than later for my own reasons and I think it has to do with the fact that since its over I want to move on and if he says well I want to get together and finish some stuff that we have to finish later than its dumb because it should get done with now.   I have been having a tough time moving on from him and I have my reasons for that which I know I should write down but, I don't want to because some things need to be left un said.   Why can't we say it's over and have our heart pretend it never happened?   Probably because we are human.     When I told R I am not ready to see him he said that he thought I was calm as if I am holding on to anger but, I'm not.  I told him that I'm not ready because it will remind me of a lot and I am trying to move on he then said he sees and he's going to bed.   My question is, What the hell does I see mean?   I know it means I understand but, there is ALWAYS more to it when someone says I see. its as if they say I understand the meaning to your words but, I don't understand how you could feel like that like I get it but, I don't agree.  It is absoultley frustrating because I can't help but, wonder what the hell is going on in R's head and it freaks me out.   I thought he wanted to move on and he said as much but, he wants to do it in person and I don't get it.   I feel like there is more and I should write more but, honestly my stomach is starting to hurt and I am tired so I am going ot go to sleep and sleep in like I did today only because I can.   So sweet dreams my readers. I have noticed my readership growing so thanks to the people who read this I don't know why anyone would want to know what's going on in my life because it boring but, hey I guess anything about love and relationships is intreasting especially when you don't have one yourself like me.  :)