Reality sets in and I'm freaking out.

I keep asking myself how one day I can feel joy and look forward to the future and then today reality started to set in and I find myself freaking out.  I even find myself having a panic attack because the anxiety is overwhelming.  I usually look to the bight side of things while always thinking about the logicstics, but it seems that even though I go through everything in my mind today it really started to set in and I can't help think that I don't know what I am doing.  I was looking at my reflection and as I stared at myself in the mirror I saw everything so clearly as if until now it wasn't completely real.   Oh, life is real all right and nothing I do is going to change it.  I have options of course, but the only thing I see is taking responsibilty and own my future.  I keep telling myself that everything will work out and it will all be okay, but I don't know if I really believe that. So many things in my life have gone wrong and I have had to fight every step of the way to keep my mind sane and my soul good.    I think I finally understand R's fears and why he acted the way he did.   I will never agree with how he behaved, but even though I always knew why he did what he did I don't think I ever really understood it until today.    So, today I am freaking out. I am young and the future is a scary thing, but it doesn't have to be.   I don't know if being on my own is what scares me the most abuot the future or if it is the future itself, the unknown.    We as people fear what we do not know, it is why we fear death, but I have never been afraid of death.. I am not one to welcome death or to go out looking for it, but I do not and have never fear it.  I have been in my fair share of situtions where death was a big possiblity and I have even done things where it is a wonder why I did not die when other who did the same did.  Last year I went swimming in a river where people white water raft and i did so without a life vest.  I almost drowned and for a while I was so numb from the adreline that I didn't even get the severity of my actions.  A woman and her daughter did the same thing I did that die and they both died.  Why was I saved and they were not?  IS there some big plan for me something I am meant to still do that I have not yet fulfilled? I am not sure of that and lately I have told myself that the path I am on is what I am supposed ot be doing, the role I am supposed to fulfill.    Today all I fear is fear and on edge.   The fear rises from my abdomen, into my chest, and up to my throat where I choke on it and feel sick to my stomach.   I keep breathing or rather tell myself to breathe because everything will be fine, but I cannot because I am not sure it will be.   I wish I knew what the future held, but like everyone else in the world I am not privy to God's plan nor am I an oracle so I do not have the answers.   What I do know is I will stay strong.  I will always be a fighter even if I don't know what I am doing or what the hell I am supposed to be doing.  Everyone else says I am doing exactly what I should be doing, but I keep thinking I should be doing more.  I have always thought there has to be more.  Maybe there isn't anything more, maybe I am not meant for path that I am on. Perhaps I should change the path, but of that I am uncertain too.    What I do know is that I need to think, but I keep thinking that perhaps this choice is not my alone to make as I always thought it was.    Can I really decide someone else's path just because it coensides with my own?   Is there every a time when a person has a right to make another's choices? Is it right to take someone else's path just because it may complicaate our own?  Like everyone else in the world I only wish I had all the answers.