Secrets....

Sometimes people lie, but sometimes the lies we tell ourselves  can be important. When we lie to ourselves it's important because if we admit the truth to ourselves it leaves an opening to admit the truth to other people. If we admit the truth to other people then we have to change the facade that we put on, we have to change what we ahve worked so hard to hide and be who we truely are, the person we hide from everyone.   I don't know if screts are bad are good. Some say secrets are bad, that they eat away at our souls.  Some say that the only secrets that are good are the short term secrets, the ones we tell people eventually like surprises that will soon be reveled.  They are secrets that two people hold together, a group that hold shares one and of course secrets that  are just for oursslves that we hold close to our hearts are dare not utter a word.   What they all have in common other than the secrets that soon everyone will know because it's a surprise is that msot secrets are held out of fear.    I think we lie to ourse;ves we are not really unaware that we are lying to ourselves we usually know the truth we just choose to keep it a secret, but I don't think a person can really lie to themself because its not that we don't know the truth we just choose to keep it a secret always afraid that we will have to change what we hve worked so hard to hide form the world, who we really are.       I have a bunch of secrets right now, things I choose to keep hidden one in particuliar that I have worked hard at keeping  a secret because I hold it dear to my heart and I don't want to lose it.   I don't why this is on my mind secrets ans lies because I hate lies.   I always try to be honest and though I have lied in the past month or so it was usually when someone asked me to lie to them or when I lied on my own it was of course because to admit the truth would make me have to change or lose things in my life that I am not willing to do and so I hold things close to my heart and yet, I am okay with that.         
   Anyway, i actually slept.  I went to bed early this morning and slept the afternoon away, I did wake up once, but I fell back to sleep and it was nice.  My back hurts less and my body is no longer as swollen or achy.   I still have not spoken with R and I still maintain that I will not text or call him first.  Too many times have I mde the first approach and since he wants something from me I feel like he should put a little effort into it especially since what he wants is something I am not thrilled about, but I agreed becuse I put myself in his palce and I understood how he would want piece of mind.   I told R before that if it wasn't done this week I wouldn't do it because I want everything over and done with yet, he pushed the time limit over and over again, but if it is not done this week I have no intention of speaking ot him again.   I don't think I'm in the wrong I figure if someone wants something from a person and it's something that the person doesn't want to do yet, they are willing to be nice then the person asking should accomadate and make sure they do it in the time limit given especially if they know what thye are asing is not easy.    R says okay then I won't ask, but then he always comes back a few weeks later and says no, I thought about it and I want it.   R is filled with games abd he loves to change his mind always hurting someone and confusing them, it's just not right.   I told him I have plans on Friday, but I did not say I wouldn't give him what he asked for and so, I told him if it wasn't done now it won't be done at all.    He figures I will break first and text him, but I won't because I am through giving him any control.  The control he loves ot have, the control he uses to hurt me with.                 I hate that I fought with R and sometimes I think I overreacted, but after talking about it with a friend, I was told that I wasn't in the wrong that he is full of shit and after his actions from when we were dating and after we broke up it is not unreasonable why I would be hurt and angry especilly after I am the one being nice and trying to not fight.   I was thinking things would be better if we were on good terms.   I won't say why I want to be on good terms with R because it's not that important, but what is important is that I made my choices and I don't regret them.     So here I am finally rested with a little bit of sleep, my house is spotless, and I feel at a loss.  I keep thinking that there is something more and bigger.   I know my life is heading on to hreat things and the roles that I am to fill are important and I embrace them, but for now I just keep waiting and I am impatient I always have been.    I don't much to talk about because not much is going on.   I keep thinking about dating, but I don't think it would be a good idea right now lol and I am kind of sick or the parties though I do like my neighbor and I don't mind going to he rparties, but sadly the last one not a bunch of people showed up and sadly the people I do like weren't there well, some were, but I don't know them to well and mainly it was a couple of bitches that I couldn't stand lol and I don't like going to her parties unless the people I do know and like are there because I hate the bitches who look at me all judgy and mean.   Well like I said I have nothing to really write about because I was sleeping YEAH sleep and when I sleep I am not very interactive with the world and therefore I don't do to much, so I have nothing really to talk about.  FOr now, I am going to watch T.V and catch up on the shows i missed because I was to tired to pay attention so i have no idea what is going on.   Oh and I have to go to the store because I had two boxes of ice cream bars the chocolate eclair and strawberry shortcake which I love, but my brother ate them all I don't know if he ate them all by himslef or my parents helped him and they offered to replace them, but lately any time I buy anyting and I say just ask nobody asks and them eat them.  there was otehr ice cream but, my stuff is always eaten.   My family actually brought me dinner home for me, they even called ot find out what I wanted, but when they came home and I heated it up my mom then ate it.  Yeah they finally do something nice so it's all bullshit.   I kind of give up it's not worth getting upset over it anymore because it will never change.   I will never be treated kindly or with consideration by my family and I will always be the only person to do everything.  They can say they are sorry and say thank you a million time, but they will never show it because I act like a doormat.   I am even at the point where I don't care if my mom is sick and begs me to stay.  I figure that at a certain point I can be a heartless bitch.   Well, I want my freaking ice cream so, I am going to the store before it closes.