Needing a grove

Lately I have been feeling blah, but it's more than just blah, because I feel a hunger in me like a need not being met.  I can't really put my finger on it, but I am going to take my own advice, The advice I have given many women. When a woman feels blah or not exactly the best especially when not in a realtionship then she as a woman has to do something to change it.  Everyone knows that when they meet someone that gives their life new and exciting possibilites we feel wonderful.  In every single one of my realtionships even with R and he and I weren't exactly together when we first started out, but in every single realtionship or even just meeting a new guy I was filled with butterflies and so much excitement because it was something different.  We as humans live pretty uneventful lives. We do the same things over and over again and even if we mix it up and try something new we still go back to the same jobs, the same friends and people, and we have to maintain every thing in our lives.  We do our house chores and laundry, we go to work, school, and some days we will meet new friends and people, but the majority of our lives don't chane, and when we notice how everything feels the same we start to feel mediorce and blah.   So, the only way I can see changing how I feel is to dye my hair and get it cut, perhaps change more about my apperance and do anything to get me out of my funk.   The first thing I am doing is cleaning out my room.  I have pulled everything out of my closet and drawers in an attemp to throw out things that have been cluttering my life and mind.  I keep a lot of old mementos in order to always be able to look back and as hard as it is for me to throw things away like pictures and letters I think now is the time.   I saved a couple of things from my realtionship with R and I am throwing those things out as well because it's not healthy for me to keep things.  It's not unhealthy to keep mementos as I do have an old hat box that is beautiful in which I keep certain things that I will probably never throw away so some day I can show my child, but sometimes when we keep things we hold on so tightly that it doesn't leave room in our lives for new things or people and if your life is cluttered then your mind becomes cluttered as well.    I want things to be fresh and new. I want things to be exciting again.  I do like somethings to be unknown in my life even if at other times I am freaked out by it.      R never did contact me and that is his choice.  I do want to contact him really badly and tell him a few things, but I won't.  I don't want fight and I hate that I have to give into everything and he can't even be the one to intiate contact when he wants something.  I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does because I guess in my mind it makes me feel as if I am always the one to do everything just like when he and I were together.   R isn't a bad guy, but I just don't think it's fair and I want things to be fair because when he and I were together they were never fair.  I guess I keep thinking that because R and I are no longer together than things can fianlly be equal.  R did nto always get his way, but most of the time he did and if he didn't than it was all abotu me.   Things were never equal between R and myself it was always more for one of us and I want it to be equal.   It's even more than things being equal I want to feel respected and R just won't give me any respect actually he can be respectful and usually is, but he doesn't respect me and won't give me the respect I deserve.   R will be courteous and he won't bad mouth me as far as I knwo, but I think and I am fairly certain that he does talk shit, but none of that bothers me.  Even though he can be courteous and not call me a bitch or other things.  HE won't give me the type of respect as far as not be controlling and make me contact him when he wants something.  R will never respect me though he can act respectful if that even makes sense because when it counts he doesn't respect me.  I guess that makes sense because as a person I'm not sure I respect him, but I respect him more than I should.   I don't think he's a bad person and even with his actions that are mean and even now thining about everything I cry my eyes out I still don't blame him because I put myself into the sitution where I let him treat me certain ways and do certain things.   HE wasn't all bad there are pleanty of times when he tried to be supportive even though he didn't support me. He would try a lot of the time and yes, he hated every minute of it and showed me just how much he hated me for it.  The funny thing is R hated me for something that isn't my fault.  He actually would take mroe of the fault than me, but I don't liek thinking that i like ot think that he and I were both to blame he just didn't think so because in his eyes it was easier to just blame me for everything.  I have been blaming R for the fight we had last weekend and it wasn't his fault.  Yes, he changed his mind and it hurt me because to him everything was a game, but the fight was my fault because I took everything he has done in the past and I felt it at that moment.  I think its possible I wanted the fight so I wouldn't have to face him so he couldn't see me as I am now.  I am not sure because I don't like fighting with him, but I do think I overreacted a lot.  I should have just told him fne whatever and even though I was angry and hurt because he has done it so many times before that I should have stayed slient because it doesn't matter to him. My feelings will never matter to him I will never matter to him and I need to learn that getting ngry and fighting him won't change how he treats me.  I can't control his feelings or actions only my own.  I couldn't make R be involved and so I made my choice and I made sure he wouldn't be.   I don't know if that is the right choice, but I think it's too late to change any of that.     I do know that I feel blah so my room is being cleared out and  I am going to get my hair done.  I am going to have a cleaning night than a beauty night.  I guess  I could go to a party, but I am starting to really feel out of place at parties.  I think that I just can't fit in right now in life at places like bars or parties.    Well, I need to head to the store and grab a few things than I am going to have a night filled with cleaning, a bath than shower, hair dying to get it cut tomorrow and get my nails done as well.   Helpful hint to women who dye their hair.   If you dye your hair a lot like I do for touch up then it's best to use amonia free dye because it does less damage to the hair and it's get for pregnant women because it's not horrible for the baby and as long as you make sure to not touch the sclap, but to get as close to the roots as possible it's perfectly safe :)    For everyone else not pregnant still getting close to the roots and not touch the sclap is best and much healthy for the hair, but as long as its ammoina free than it won't damage your hair as much as other dyes with more chemicals that will dry and damage yor hair making it brittle with a ton of split ends. :)    Just though I would share a beauty secret especially since I get a lot of ocmpliments on my hair because it is always soft and always smells good.   I always use a Strawberry N Creame   shampoo and conditioner from Suave, but I also add Nexus or Atheno shampoo and conditoner to my strawberry stuff that way I am getting a mroe expensive and richer in protein product into my hair but the cheap stuff has the strongest and best smell.  :)    Anyway enjoy the beauty hint also when doing Mascera take a tooth[pick to yoru eyelashes to avoid clumps.  You can use an eyelash brush, but if you don't have one and are out at dinenr a toothpick works.  It also works if you are broke or cheap.  I got the hint from a drag queen when I was at dinner and had forgotten my eyelash brush. :)   Anyway off to the store I go and sadly people I will probably text R as to what I will say I don't know.  There is still a lot of hurt that I feel form him and everytime I forgive him and move on trying to be nice he does something that hurts me once again so I worry that the only thing I will ever think of when he crosses my mind is hurt.  I don't want to feel or think of hrut when I look back to him. I never wanted that.  I have two options to make peace and give in and get some closure or to just never think of him again, but that is going to be a little harder lol.  I do know that when I look back I own't have nearly as many regrets as R will.   R may not give a shit about me, but in his heart he knows certain things and when he thinks back on me and I will cross his mind of this I am sure he will regret how he treated me.  R will regret things and wish that he could have fixed it of this I am certain.   It will probably even eat away at him little by little.  It wont ill him but there will be a piece that will be eaten away and will fill him with a certain sadness.   I know this because even though I don't care about R and even though he did me wrong I have done wrong too no matter how much I justify it try to change things in my mind it is wrong and I will have a piece that is eaten away from my choices little by little.  The only difference is I get the joy part and R does not.    We will see what happens but for now I am off and away.