Well today was a good day. No, R never called or text, but I am okay with that. I did send R a picture, but only because last night when I was with him he made a comment about not having any and I told him I had pictures of him, I do have pictures of him some I took when he wasn't looking while he was smiling at me actually most are like that a weird angle to hide the camera so it would be natural. Funny how I took pictures when he was smiling without him knowing it I guess that means that I did make him smile some of the time. I sent him the picture just so he would have one to remember me by and I don't feel sad or strange about it. In some ways I am sad, but I dont dwell on that I dwell on the fact that it's a good day regardless. My friends still he will call me, but I don't anymore. Actually I agree with my friend M a guy who is older when he and I talked and joked about my adventure last night he said nah he will call and we both said yea when he gets horny lol... Even the thought of that doesn't bother me. I don't know where my new peace comes from, but I am okay with it.
I hung out with some friends tonight and I had the option of going out after midnight to play pool and go swimming, but I just didn't feel like it because I was sleepy and needed some down time plus I really want to just veg out and watch Supernatural. I am going to see an old flame from over a year ago on Sunday for a celebration he is having and I hung out with one of his friends tonight for a few minutes just to catch up and say hi. I always did like the guy his name is A lol, but he is really sweet and has always went out of his way to make me feel welcome. He knows that I am a pretty quiet person around everyone which is why I don't talk much to people unless I am already friends with them, but I like him and I am glad that I will be seeing more of him because he is someone I can be good friends with. Hold the horses people because I am not thinking of him ina romantic light lol though he is cute, but seeing the fact I just slept with my ex last night and I have to realize my feelings about that I won't be looking for another guy anytime soon. I will go out with guys again though I think it's time. I think what held me back is my feelings for R and well now I don't have anything to hold onto anymore. He said his goodbyes to me and I cant wait for him to see how great of a person I really am. A couple people asked me if today I thought last night was a mistake knowing that it really was R saying his final farewell to me and even though some of the feelings I have suck I still can't say it was a mistake because it taught me a few things. I wasnt exactly holding onto my feelings for R because I had move on even if i hadnt started to date anyone. Honestly until R called me yesterday I hadn't thought of him in a while and had only talked about him to a friend about a week before that to explain why I wasnt ready to date and why I still felt bad about myself. I did have a dream today when I was taking a nap and R was telling me he loved me even in the dream I was shocked as hell! lol but what was funny is that in the dream I didnt say it back knowing that it wasnt real. I woke up and forgot about the dream until tongiht when I tried to remember if it was a dream of it R had said it while he was falling asleep because that is how the dream takes place. The fact I didnt believe it in a dream is sad, but the fact I didnt say it back even in a dream is GREAT! I am not a slave to any bad feelings knowing I cant control how other people see or feel about me. I can control how I let them treat me and I can avoid feeling icky in the future. I dont regret last night and the fact I can look at guys and think they are cute is great. I cant imagine being with anyone right now which is a good thing and I cant imagine even sleeping with anyone then again I couldnt imagine sleeping with R again and based on the performace he and I shared it proved that I couldnt imaien it because well the act was maybe a bit forced. I know why it was forced and it wasnt just my nerves it was knowing that it was goodbye and sleeping with a person one last time as a final goodbye is hard and you really do have to force yourself because in your mind you keep thinking this is it the very last time and that is something no matter how you feel about moving on it just plain sucks. Today is still a good day and I take comfort in knowing that I have friends who care about me and even though I cant control things though I could play a game and get R to see me again and even sleep with him again and drag it out I dont want to. Why would I want to be manipulative to someone into being around me if they dont enjoy my company and my personality? That would make me no better than Sanchez and I dont want to be that person. I would much rather be a person who people want to be around and enjoy based on myself. If R ever contacts me to go out to dinner again or sleep with him will I go? Who knows right now I would say yes, but then again thats because we make ourselves remember the good times, but I also know if that is the only thing someone thinks I am good enough for then they arent good enough for me. I think Richard actually enjoys my company most of the time, but he just didnt want to be friends and that is his lost or perhaps his gain if he feels he cant be a good guy to me though last night showed me he could, it reminded me of what we had the first night when possibilities were there. I dont know what he thinks or how he feels and I decided not to ask him. Ive decided that I can be around and I can be open to things but I cant control things so me not asking Richard is me not trying and me jsut being still and calm. Working and hanging out with friends who love me because they have my best intreast at heart above all other things including what I think I want is a true friend and having that is what will get me through any feelings, and will keep me calm so I remember I cant force things and I cant control them. I can be here and I can accept things but I cannot make them be. sweet dreams all it is time for me to watch Supernatural and then I will try and clean before I sub-come to my own dreams tonight.
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