It's been a while since I have written a blog. To be honest I haven't had much to write about so let me fill ya'all in on what's been happening to this single girl. I go back to work on Monday after a long needed vacation. Sanchez my old friend who is way too in into me has finally pushed me to a place where I just can't be around him. Sanchez is the father of my Godson and my best friend's ex husband. He uses his son to try and get to me and I finally had enough so even though I wanted to spend time with my Godson this past week I didn't because I could not be around his father. Not only that, but I don't want my Godson getting the wrong message in the role I play in his life and to be honest I am not sure I have completely forgiven Sanchez for being the cause of breaking me and my ex boyfriend up. He kept trying to kiss me when I dated someone and it caused issues though if my ex was insecure and couldn't trust me then it was for the best, but with R he and I never even got a real chance because Sanchez freaked and since R and Sanchez were a bit of friends it was awkward and I freaked which sucked because the first time I met R I liked him a whole lot and I wanted to get to know him. R and I never were able to have a real relationship because he put it out of his head due to the drama and I kept at it because I didn't want it ruined all because someone who claimed to be my friend couldn't let me try and be happy. I mention this because I am proud that I made the right choice in not being the victim and not letting someone be manipulative to me. Speaking of R I got call and a text from his yesterday with him wanting to get together to talk. We went out to dinner, but I didn't eat because it was R's favorite place, but the Texcan food made my tummy hurt just smelling it lol so I got a sprite and we sat down. It was a little weird at first seeing R after two months and I had not spoken to him in one month and five days lol which I know only because R knew exactly how long. The strange thing is I thought of him a lot for a week or so after i didn't talk to again, but then I just moved on. R and I spent two hours at the restaurant talking and laughing. It was funny because we kept joking about sex and all other sorts of things, then he asked me if I would maybe want to go back to his place. My first thought was no, it was a bad idea, but I couldn't resist knowing that I did want that night with him, so after thinking it over for a few minutes I went back to his place. It was AWKWARD at first I was so nervous! I hadn't been with him in a couple of months and of course there has not been anyone since him nor has there been anyone for him since me though he has dated a couple of times. We got back to his place and I was worried his roommate would wake up because his friends hate me, but R said that was them and we were us. As I lay next to him post coital I found my nook. The place where my head fits quite perfectly into his shoulder. I made a comment about the nook at first I said what I have said to him so many times. I muttered, " my nook", as I snuggled in next to him with him arm around my waist and then I said well it's the nook I am sure others would fit just as perfectly because I was afraid of what he would say when I muttered that I was afraid of what he would think so I felt I had to qualify it. Then he said no, it was my nook and i could have it. I turned onto my side so we spoon and he held me tightly actually he held me more tightly last night than I think he ever really did. I told him I could leave and I was really only joking, but I did try and get up just to see if he wanted me to and he held on and would not let go. I can't explain the emotions I had because honestly I don't know what they were or even what they are. I spent the night and in the morning I woke to R's touch on my skin so we could spend more time together is what I will call it. The sad thing is I was so nervous about the sex that it probably wasn't the best he and i ever had actually I know it wasn't. It wasn't bad, but for me it was strange though not in a bad way. I remember laying down next to R as he was falling asleep with his head against mine and I asked him if he regretted it and he said he didn't then he asked me and I can honestly say I don't regret it. I didn't take a shower with him in the morning only because I have never been one to enjoy showers with other people though he likes to shower with me he always has. I got dressed and he walked me to the door in his BDUs which is the first time I have ever seen him in uniform which I liked haha and he gave me a quick kiss and asked me again if I don't work till Monday and I said yep. I told him to have a good day at work and he told me to have a good day and I left. I did call him right after because I got lost and couldn't find my way out to get home, but he didn't pick up and I found my way out then he called me and I told him I had gotten out and then I told him Thank you for the orgasms and he said that way the goal and asked me if I didn't expect to have them. I told R I didn't expect anything about that night then I told him to have a good day again and he said talk to you later, but it was a bit forced and we hung up. I had no expectations of what last night would bring and I have no expectations of what it meant. It could have been that one last time R and I had together to say goodbye in a happy place though we really did that on the phone over a month ago or maybe it opened up a can. Actually no matter what I know it opened up a can. I'm okay with anything that comes my way now, but I had moved on from R and he had moved on from me so last nights adventure no matter what will have me at least thinking about him for a few days or so. I don't think he has plans to call me. The things and comments he made last night would leave a girl thinking he was back in her life, but I know R and I know him well so anything that he says that is sweet and romantic in bed as we lay cuddling is something he could mean at the time, but doesn't mean he will mean it in the morning. R likes to make a girl feel wanted in bed and he does a good job with it so I have come to understand though last night was the first time he ever said those things to me like the nook being my nook or ever referring to him and me as us, but last we were an us for those hours spent in his bed together we were us even short lived.
The funny things about females and sex for me at least is that I am okay with last not simply being last night and all that it ever will be truly I am perfectly okay with it and in most ways that's what I expect I guess, but if R doesn't call then I think geez just a booty call and I will be bummed in a way an if he does call then I will ask myself why, I will wonder if he simply calls to check up on me or if he calls because he truly wants to. Either way what is meant to be will be. If R is to remain in my life a little longer then that is what will happen. If he is supposed to go on his way than that will happen heck if R and I are to be friends because in a way I know him very well better than I think some people do and not as well as others. I have seen as himself, I have seen him at his worst, and i have seen him in an intimate setting letting his guard down even though both he and I worked hard and not letting our guards down while together, but you can't hold onto those walls all the time there are moments the walls come down and people see you in a new light even if only short lived. I over think things a lot and this time I don't plan on it. I am not in control and even though I hate that I can't control everything it is the way it is supposed to be. The term we will always have Paris is often said, but now R and I will always have our night no matter what. I didn't even think him and I going back to his place was a possibility last night when I met up with him and when he brought it up I was shocked and he made me blush more than once last night, but it did make me remember the first night I ever spent with him which is funny that it was the first night he and i ever met. Actually R told me something funny about that moment he had a date the night after I slept over hahah. He dropped me off home and he said he was so tired on his date, I never knew about his date and I told him I felt bad, but he said he didn't connect with the girl anyway. It's funny he told me about that and him and I talking about when we met. I confessed to him things I never had about how much I liked him and how I had wanted to get to know him before the drama with Sanchez happened making us both feel odd yet, I was more the person who was like heck no I am not letting that stand in my way. I told him about all the times I was jealous of his friends that are girl some of whom he has dated. i don't think I ever let him know how much I was actually jealous of them and I told him why. it's funny how at the end of things people get really honest and open. I think maybe because then there fear of losing is gone. Actually the way people act because they are afraid of losing something is what usually ensures they will lose it. I guess I was able to be open and honest with R last night because I no longer have that fear. It sucks losing someone when you get used to them. With R I really did hate losing him because I didn't just lose some guy, I lost a friend someone who I talked about my day with and someone who talked about their day with me, I lost a companion which isn't the same thing as a friend because a companion can be someone you just spend time with though it usually does include friendship lol, and I lost a sex partner. These are things that a person will miss when its gone. It doesn't mean you won't be fine and move on, but for a time the presence of the person is missed.
I do wish I had not be so nervous that it had effected sexual experience last night, but I can't change that because I was nervous and it did effect it as much as I wish it hadn't. It was also weird because R and I did something we hadn't done in a while and i am not speaking of the actual sex act and that in itself was a bit strange and it did make things feel different. I noticed things last night like how he held me while he slept and though R has always been someone who likes to cuddle lol he's a cuddle bunny I don't remember he ever holding on that tightly or could it be that I had just forgotten it or maybe somehow became more aware of it last night? I really don't think so. The night happened because he and I were having a great time and he said he was tired because he had to get up early but didn't want the night to end. It could have happened simply because he was horny and once he and I started talking about sex I couldn't get it out of my mind. It could have happened because he felt lonely and he just wanted human contact, or perhaps it happened because seeing me he realized he missed me and what we had minus the fighting at the end. Its funny that R and I never fought while we were together. I find a lot of things amusing how he and I never really know what to call each other. we said lover, friends with benefits, ex boyfriend and girlfriend, we have called each other using many different titles though I used ot be hung up on titles I am not anymore so we simply stated our former whatever to each other. We discovered that he and I have the same date in November of losing our virginity though not in the same year which I do find funny because I think he would agree with me it's a pretty good date to have Veterans Day so not easily forgotten lol. I have no doubt in my mind I will spend the rest of today thinking about him and last night even though I will try and stay busy and when my girlfriends talk to me about it wondering how I feel about it, how it was and the biggest question will be if I regret it. Even if I never talk to R again which is hardest part because I really do like him as a person even if he and I have had moments of true dislike for each other during our breakup, but I always liked him and I do enjoy spending time with him I always have and I always will, but even if I never speak to him again and last was our farewell to each other or his moment of needing something I could provide I still wont regret sleeping with him. R and I didn't just have sex last night, we slept together as well. He and I had at one point tried to just have sex, but we always ended up sleeping together afterwards which is funny because I have usually been the type to leave and to go to sleep alone with him I don't think that was ever really an option. I am writing all this down so if he doesn't call and I never speak to him again which is something I will deal with if and when it happens I can look back and read this. I will be able to remember what it was I felt. My feelings on the subject are haywire. In one sense I think about the past and how bad it got, but i remember why it got bad and what caused it, i also remember the good times. I have no doubt in my mind that last night triggered something in me and left me remembering happy times I spent with R and knowing that I wont ever see him again or ever talk to him makes me sad, and I know if he does call with the way his friends feel about me and the way my friends feel about him makes me sad because R is someone who tends not to listen to himself but rather what people put in his head, though I have a feeling he has gotten better with that. Even with knowing these things and feeling sad should it happen I still wont regret my choice. This is my hope because I made a choice last night knowing what the outcomes possible were and I still made a choice. I could have told R no last night that I didn't think it was a good idea and I could have went home and never have spoken to him again, but then I would have regretted it. I would have always wondered what the night might have brought and this way I wont have to wonder. I will know that whatever the outcome is, be it a final goodbye or the start up of two people who are attracted to each other and have fun together who knows what that will bring if done correctly, but whatever the outcome it is the outcome made by a choice. R's choice to ask me to go home with him and my choice to accept. I don't think I will know what really made R ask me to go home with him though I think I do plan on asking him. One because I am curious and Two because it will answer other questions I may be wondering without actually asking them.. Of course he will know why I ask and he wont beat around the bush, but I have never wanted him to beat around the bush even when it doesn't feel great knowing the answer. Maybe I wont ask him, honestly I have no idea, but I done thinking about it because like I said I don't have the control and maybe that is not such a bad thing after all.
The other thing I have avoided is doctors. i go to the doctors next week and it is not something I am looking forward to. I don't talk the doctors anymore because people don't want to hear and mostly I don't want to talk about it. I will have to get an MRI soon and of course more blood work, but in some ways its good to know things even when its bad news. I didn't discuss doctors or anything like that with Richard last night, but only because the subject did not come up. Ive been going back to meetings and I did not tell Richard the reason why I have been last night either, but they have been good for me. I am actually doing work on myself. Last year I went, but I didn't work at it because I was still focused on a lot of things not believing anything could change within myself. I am still not sure what is capable of changing, but I am willing to work on it and give it a shot. Nothing will happen overnight, but the fact that I'm okay with things knowing that even if things don't happen the way I want them to and still being okay with that is a step. I don't know how okay I will be when or if the shoe drops because those are feelings I don't yet have to deal with, but I am prepared in knowing that yes, it may suck and things may hurt a little and not getting my way may make me want to go crazy, but the trick is not going crazy and that is something I have been working at for a while. The last time I spoke to R on the phone over a month ago I hated that things were at an end with him and I wouldn't have him in my life anymore, but I accepted it and that alone made it okay. D a good friend and sponsor asked me this morning how I was with last night and everything and she seems to think R will call even if I have my doubts. I think anything is possible and good things will happen if we let them, but that doesn't mean it will happen right when you want them to. I wanted what R and I had last night almost two months ago and it wasn't in the cards so I got over it and just let it be and what do you know it happened not when I wanted it to or when I was expecting it, but it did happen so things do work even if by surprise. The only thing I am truly upset about it that I was so nervous R and I did not have a night like the ones we have had before and it is entirely my fault this time. It wasn't bad or anything like that, but it wasn't what I imagined so long ago, I don't know if it was just my nerves or the fact that it had been a while for us so it takes a little time to remember every detail. I am not worried about it though I don't deny wanting to text R and say sorry to him lol yes, I was that nervous and I was even talking a lot during which is something I never do. I don't believe sex is a place where people should talk and I even stopped because I was talking I was so nervous lol... How that effected R's mindset I don't know and yes, it kills me not knowing, but sadly I cant change that. The only thing I could ever do is repeat last night and remember all the details I have forgotten lol, but that is something I don't have control over. I also wonder if I had been with another guy after Richard would I have still went home with him. I wonder that because he and I have not been with other people since our split though he has dated and I have been asked out though I have not went out just because I wasn't interested, but if we had been with other people and moved on in that way because both of us moved on emotionally, but would we have still hooked up? I don't think he would have asked me if he had hooked up with someone new, then again I don't know and I don't even know what the reason for him not hooking up with someone new is. IT could be there has not be an opportunity for him or it could be that he has simply not made the opportunity or maybe he missed me specifically in that regard. I honestly don't know and the beauty of it is that maybe just maybe it doesn't really matter. :) I will write again about the outcome to this adventure, and even though this is supposed to be about a single girls life in the dating world and all that jazz sadly I don't really date that, but I do have plans that include people I have dated before so at least I will have something to talk about even if Richard never contacts me again.
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