Hello my loyal readers,
Today was actually a fairly good day. I went out and I had a lovely time, I got to play with kittens and east dairy queen which I am a sucker for and as we were waiting for our food this creepy old Asian American guy was staring at me and then he walked outside because we were in the car waiting for our food to be brought to us and as the guy was walking around the car we caught sight of this man digging into his butt, I mean he was really going at it and then he took his fist and started punching his left butt cheek the one he had been digging at. J and I could only figure the guy had some serious hemmroids and well, it left us was some laughs for quite a while. I ended things kind of early because I was really tired which is unusual, but I was also having a really painful neck and it turns out I have a horribly swollen lymph node behind my head that is red and painful, but I also have other swollen lymph nodes. Now, I have also gotten swollen lymph nodes and I have had something that is in an infection in my lymph nodes about four times in my life so it's not that uncommon, but lately I have been having really bad night sweats to the point where I am getting woken up when I do sleep that is because I am always tired, but I have had a hard time sleeping though since R and I have finally stopped speaking and I know where that stands I have been sleeping better. Anyway with the painful swollen lymph nodes and the night sweats I had my mom an RN look at it and my last blood work did show an infection that could not be figured out and well, with everything else going on my mom wonders that if the stress that has been added to my body and mind lately and of course with my history I spoke with my doctor and I have to be checked out, but they want to do a biopsy as well. I have had a few surgeries and my last year of high school I barely got to go because I was so sick. Luckily I even graduated early because I was determined and well, I wanted to get the hell out of there and be able to start my life with my husband. The biopsy is perfectly safe and yes, it will be a little painful, but there is a pain medicine that is non narcotic that I can take to help with that. I am not really that worried because no matter what something will make me feel better because between waking up covered in sweats with fevers. I think what worries me more is that my mother and my doctor seem to think that I may have luckemia. What that means for me and for everything I don't know. The funny thing is I am not worried about me so much. I have my family that are supportive and we have talked about things and should the worse care senrio happen, but even though my family is here I do wish someone else was by my side. No, not J as I barely know him. I think that's what sucks about being single is sometimes you want someone that you are intimate there by your side, someone to lean on. I know that R is the guy that should be around at least according to my friends but we broke up so he shouldn't be then again I guess in some ways I wish he would be there. I think i got used to having him talk to me about his feelings when he was scared and when we were dating I was the strong one. Actually I was so strong that I was even cold at times. I had to be strong because he was scared and yes, I was scared and R was there for me when I was crying even though he was usually the reason why I was crying LOL though his Roommate was also the reason and even though R didn't say anything while we were dating I have to say i was impressed that he stood up for me after we broke up. It was like everything I had verbalized to him abotu my feelings made sense when I wasn't around anymore. Anyway so I was always the stronger one when R and I were together. I was the one that said everything would work out and now, that I am on my own I have my moments when I am not so sure. I didn't want to be on my own , but I didn't have much of a choice. R walked away even if I am the one who told him to leave me alone he is the one who walked and he wanted to wak, but that was never what I wanted and hell I even tried with some serious effort to get along and be friends, but once again R walked away not me. I don't want to be with R ever again, but at times like this when I am scared it's wierd because a month ago I had R to lean on true I always went to the hospital myself because he didn't want to go or because he was drunk, but I always wanted him there and at times when I was home back from the doctors R was right there trying to make me feel better. Yes, I had to cook and do all the cleaning including picking up his mess which wasn't that great of him, but I didn't even mind that because when I was scared at those times I got to express to him and he made me feel better even when I was pissed off at him. I think I just mess that not even R really though I do miss him as a person because we got along great when we weren't fighting, but I mostly having a person that wasn't my family that I didn't have to feel guilty if I was scared because with my family I can't show if I am scared because I don't want them to feel bad or be worried and I have to be strong for them, kind of like how I had to be the strong one when I was with R, but I leaned on him at times so it was okay I guess. I wish I could say that R didn't worry about me, but I know he did which is so wierd because the guy told me many times how he didn't care about me and I always said he didn't care about me too, but if he didn't care then why did I see him worry about me? Could it be that if you tell someone they don't give a shit about you even when they try to show you they do, and even if they don't care in a big way could they say that they don't care just because you want to hear that???? I always take pride in the fact I don't punish all guys for other's mistakes, but I notice that I always tell guys that they don't love me even when they tell me they do, and no, R never did and he didn't, but if I don't punish all guys for past mistakes then why do I always tell guys how they feel???? I keep noticing a pattern that I do play the victim in realtionships. I wasn't completely wrong with R and I, but I did bitch a lot and I did make it so I wouldn't have ot be with him. I know that he and I weren't right for each other AT ALL, but R and I could have been civil to each other and I could have given him a better chance. I knwo that I did text him on Friday and I tried to make things right even to forgive him for all the bad that he did and I know that he sees that he was mean to me even when I was really nice to him and did nothing, but try to make things better, but I also made things fail once it was over. Even though we broke up R and I could have worked things out to where everyone could have been happy with the end results and we could have compromised, but instead I did what I always do I ran. I have been a runner for so long that I am a pro at making it so I force the guys hand into walking away so then I am the victim. No, I know that I am not to blame because I tried and R didn't want that so honestly this time I won't take the blame, but I have done it before so I do know that I had started to chase him away, but I also made sure not to do it completely and to say when I was in the wrong, but R didn't care about that and he made his choice. R did a lot of really bad things when I was with him, but after we broke up I did some bad things ot him. I lied to him because I was angry and because he wanted me to lie to him, but honestly did he want me to lie. I think he did because when I told him the truth he acted horrible and still didn't want any part and then he started with threats and I was angry at him so I made the choice, but then I decided to let him have his choice and decided to meet with him, but he was the one that backed out. Yes, I freaked out and I went to push him away, but the last text I had gotten from him said that he would think about it and let me calm down and get back to me and when I told him I was sorry he never responded. I shouldn't be thinking about nay of this, but as soon as I think about him in anyway which I try not to do expect when I write because a lot of you email me and ask about my thoughts on stuff so I write about what is on my mind at the moment I am writing and my thoughts on R chance pretty much every night, but when I do write about him and answer questions I am emailed though I try not to do it in a Q and A form because I am not being interviewd I also then go off and analyze every little detail. It's nto so much abotu R as it is about myself and trying to figure out the steps I do wrong when I am in a realtionship. The fact of the matter is R and I were not right for each other, but we were forced together from a mistake and even though there is joy with that mistake I pushed R out of any of that joy and he walked away from it over and over again. I am a runner and R is a leaver. R leaves when things gets tough because it is what he knows and I push people away and run away from pain ensuring that I will feel pain because people leaving is what I know. My husband left for war and never came home to me like he promised. My ex C left me and then I just started pushing people away. One of my ex's Jesse is a guy who he and I were very happy together and we talked about marriage and a family and we wanted things to be great, but I pushed him away and when he wouldn't leave I left and then things got really ugly between us. He was a guy that I was in love with and it scared the hell out of me. I may nto have been in love with R, but I did do what I know and though I tried to make it right I should find comfort in the fact that R didn't want a part and that I am not to blame, but I don't find comfort in it because the fact of the matter is that the end result is the same. Yes, it was R's choice, but all that does is make all my thoughts on guys being bad real. All is does is make me think that I am unlovable to the point that even when it is not about me, but something so much bigger and more precious because I have ay part in it they leave. I think I am just thinking a lot because I am scared not knowing what will happen with everything. To think I could lose something after going through so much pain to keep it doesn't make me feel very confident. I guess the only thing I can do is pray and hope that things will work out as they should. Well, I am tired and I have to put my feet up to take down some swelling I have so goodnight my loyal readers and until tomorrow.
The Single, Emotionally Scared Gal,
Heather
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