It has been a while....

It has been a while since I've written a blog. I said I needed a new start and well, Ive been taking my new start.. It has been a while since I did things right for myself.  Lately I started seeing this guy named J and J seemed since.   I decided to take things slow with him and I'm glad I did.  For the first time in a long time I let myself date and not have anything expected of me.  It felt good to know that I call the shots in my life and I don't have to put up with being treated any way I don't want to.    Things did not work out with J lol though I had fun going bowling with him at first and talking to him I realized it just wasn't meant to be.   I could say a part of it was a friend that I talk to who makes me smile no matter what.   Nothing is hard with him my friend that is.  Skeleton Jack is his name and I've talked about him before.  I could say that I thought about him more and more but, that is not the reason I didn't want to be with J.   J just didn't feel right.  For one thing he likes to go to the bar and drink and well, I don't want to be with someone who is in that stage nothing is wrong going once in a while but, every weekend or even a few weekends out of the month?  I'm afraid that me trying to be with someone who is negative and doesn't enjoy life the way I do could jeopardize my recovery.   The thing is J often said I act like a child with the way I dance in the rain or twirl and laugh.   We went bowling with my younger brother who grabbed my cell phone and I jumped on his back as we laughed and played around J actually said why do you have to act like a damn child in the bowling alley?  He also made comments about the way I dressed and well, I didn't feel good about myself so,  I made a choice and well, when I make choices I make BAD ones but, this time it wasn't exactly all on me.   I took things I've learned from some good people and the program I am in which is like therapy and I thought about what other people would do and how they would be happy.    I thought about how I don't need to be with someone who makes me feel bad.   I deserve good things in my life even when I feel like I don't because of things that have happened in my past.       So needless to say I feel a little bad for saying buh bye to J but, I just couldn't see myself with him and on the plus side I didn't have sex with him LOL..     I meant what I said about not having sex and I'm sticking with it. I want to get to know someone and make sure they like me for the person I am and the person I am working hard and being but, mostly the person I am.   Only because I don't know who I will be in the future but, only who I am now and I like myself right now.  I am doing good and healthy things in my life.   I haven't worked out in three days lol but, only because I am sick but, as soon as I can breathe again ( I have a horrible cough)  I will be back at the gym but, I am still working out at home.   I am eating lol though not healthy in the past two days Red Lobster with my brother kind of went into probably 3000 calories with the crab, lobster tail, and scallops lol.. I love crab and on the plus side Red Lobster is one of the only places you can say I want crabs and no one looks at you weirdly HAHAHA.     In life nothing is certain except the fact I will one day die so, I need to make sure I am happy and living a good life and it feels good for as long as I can.   I've done things in the past where I thought it felt good but, I was in so much pain.   I still have pain but, it's old pain.  Today I can say that I am not creating any pain for myself or hanging on to bad feelings because I'm afraid to feel anything else and it's a good feeling.  Am I scared of getting close to someone and losing it all again?  YEP, but, I am not looking at that when it comes it comes I need to take small steps and one day those small steps will lead to something great and I won't even remember how I got there just that I am and happy.   I may never get to that place of find that one person again but, damn me if I am not worried about that tonight because I have faith that I will and that faith has come with me making the right choices.      I will say that Skeleton Jack has my eye and well, we will see where that goes and it's going slowly but, slow is good if anything the guy is my friend and at the end of the day he makes me smile even when no one else can and that's priceless hence he is priceless.  :)   We will see what happens but, no rushing myself into something that will lead me doing something I am not ready for or something that could jeopardize my healthy lifestyle.