Said Goodbye to R forever...

R texted me back today, he felt a little bad for ignoring me because I told him it was childish and if he doesn't want to talk he just needs to say so.  I didn't bitch or get mad I was very calm and then he texted me.  R whose real name is Richard and seeing as he and I will never talk again and he doesn't read my blog anymore I think it's okay to use his name and I have used his real name once or twice before, I will use it tonight because it symbolizes how final things are between him and I.      Richard told me that our converstation tonight would be our last.  We were simply texting back and forth first and then he called me so we continued to talk for an hour or two, if we counted texts then we talked for a few hours.   When Richard told me that today was the last time we would ever talk I wanted to cry right then and there, I didn't, but it tugged at my heart a little bit considering all that he and I have been through it's wierd knowing that we won't ever speak again.   There have been times when I said I ever wanted to speak to him again, but this                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I DO want to speak to him again, but we won't.  Richard said that it's not healthy for either one of us to keep talking, and he said I deserve better.  I hated when he said that.  Richard is right about it not being healthy what he and I have, but lately it has been healthy because I moved on from him, from the way I felt about it.   I no longer care about certain things, the things that made me angry or hrut me.  There are still things that if I think about it, they hurt, but I don't care in certain ways.   I no longer care to get made and scream or to fight with him.  I got mad last week, but it was because I freaked about seeing him. Richard and I talked about a lot of things what is going on with him that is making him stressed, whats new in his life, how he feels about everything. I have said before when I am mad at Richard that I never want to speak with him again, but want is not an action, and this time there is no anger it is simply fact that Richard and I will never speak again. Richard and I talked about how things went down and the funny thing is I had every intention of never speaking with Richard ever again and then when he told me that it was the definate last time for him i was suddenly filled with sadness.  Sometimes people go off on one emotion they are feeling and don't consider all of their emotions, instead we take the most prominate emotion and it's usually a bad one like anger or fear.  I was always going off on my strongest emotion and it caused fights so tonight when it was said that we wouldn't speak I felt all my emotions and I wondered why with the bad feelings did I suddenly feel the good too and think n, I don't want to never speak to you again.      Richard and I talked about when he left. When I got pregant and he left it broke my heart, but I understood because he and I hadn't been together that long and we certainly were not on that path, and then he came back to do the right thing. I think we discussed marriage briefly, but not really he never asked and I never brought it up.  I won't marry someone just because I am having their kid.  Richard tried to be there and he was physically there every night, but he didn't want ot be and he would be cold, but I paid that no mind telling myself that he would come around and if I did everything right, like cooking, cleaning, sex, and listening to him he would see that things could be wonderful if he let himself the chance to have a little joy, but to Richard he didn't want to come around to it he jsut wanted it to go away.  I would fight with him, and the day I broke up with him was the day that our fighting really started, the point to name calling, insults, and just being mean to each other.   I broke up with Richard because it's what he wanted, but he didn't want to leave and look like the guy who dumps his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child.      Richard kept pushing me o get rid of it and I refused, then he told me how he didn't want it, but he could walk away and leave me the kid if I made him believe that I wasn't pregnant so we made a deal that the next day I would lie to him, he would walk and I would get to keep our child,  I went through with lying to him, but I had never lied ot him and I couldn't do it.  I also wanted him to walk away of his own accord, that way I or anyone else would never be able to tell my child that it is my fault her dad is not around.   So, I told him I couldn't do the lie and Richard once again walked away I heard from him a week and a half later telling me he had talked to a lawyer and he threated to take our baby away from me with no reasons so he knew I would not believe that not to mention he wouldn't try to get custody of our child just because he was mad at me he would only do so if he felt it was best for our baby.   Richard asked me last night if I was pregnant or not because well, he asked me to lie to him and with him walking out so many times I made the choice that he didn't get to be around.   I KEEP giving him chances like I want him there so bad and I give him chances where everything is going great and I think see he and I don't have to be together to be parents.   I shouldn't be giving him chances it should be him wanting to be here, but I only give the chances because I want him here so bad and I know that everyone will miss out.  See, to me Richard was family the moment we found out abotu our baby bug and he and I did lean on each other for support, but Richard even though i know he feels a bond with me he didn't want the family.   What hurts the most is knowing that it is me.   If I had been someone else then Richard would have stayed and he and I did talk about this, and it hurts to know that I am not jsut unlovable to him, but I don't even enter his mind to think about, but I know he does think about me because he said he stopped reading my blogs, but mentioned something I wrote not to long ago.  Now, I know for a fact he has stopped reading them because he amde hsi choice.  Last ngiht when Richard and i talked about the baby i would not tell him if I kept the baby or if there is no baby anymore.  He knows even though I wouldn't say and the reason I wouldn't say is because I won't lie to him, but telling him the truth is hard for me and something I don't want to do, but I told him he could have proof I would take a pregnancy test  for him just like I did when I found out I was pregnant and he needed t see it was real lol he doens't doubt because your body does some wierd things even at the begining of the pregnancy.    Richard had wanted proof for a while and this past week he decided he doesn't even though it eats away at him, he told me he is walking once again only this time for good.   I told him I wanted him to make a choice and have there be no pressure from me or guilt. I wanted him to make the choice himself.    I don't want to say well because of the baby you have to be friends or talk to me because it's not right.     I wanted Richard and i to egt along yes, but i wanted it to be his choice.   All in all things ended last night bitter sweetly.   I didn't want to never speak to him again, but I can't stand the pain of eing walked out on so much and a baby wouldnt understand it.   I know if I had let Richard stay and didn't push him away at times becaus ehe wanted out that he would have been a great father because he is caring.    I told Richard that in the end he got what he wanted Freedom lol and I got our baby.  I tld him I got the better end f the deal and he said probably.             What sucks is loving someone who doesn't love you. What sucks is being scared, but at the same time happy, or knowing that someone regrets their choice even at that moment but won't change it.      I had wanted Richard to say something like wait no, we can do this, or I am here no matetr what.  We can be friends,   See I wanted in my moment or regret and thaat bitter feeling or having to say good a Grand Scene of changed minds and a happy ending.  For Richard and I to be friends and to smile and cuddle and d it together I wanted that MOVIE SCENE but, life is not like a movie sadly and it doesn't work that way.   I have had a movie scene with my husabd who did things so grandly yet very simple and it was great.  Richard reminds me of my husband a good man yet maybe scared f feelings.      I got the better deal, but even though I know I got the best of the deal with Richard, I am not thrilled knowing he didn't get it.  Even though he says he didn't want it, I heard in his voice his regret and I heard the uncertainess thinking perhaps he made a mistake I heard it and i felt it, so I should be happy that I got the best part, but instead all I can think about is Richard didn't get it.    Telling myself he didn't want it does nto make me feel better.   Well that is what happend with richard and I.  No more talking. I didn't want ot stop talking I like knowing that he is always there if I need him but I was it for him.     I don't know if he delted or blocked my number to make sure ofit, but I doubt it because he knows I will respect his wishes unless there is a reasona s to why I cannot, but I will respect him.

 Well I am off to get a massage to help with my swollen feet and the rest of my body that is swollen and sore then I am off to get new furniture to put in my bedroom so I have to do a few things and i idd not sleep last night.   I need ot get ready because I want my massage.              

A little Shake, A Huge Quake..

                                                                      Today is what I like to call as a death day. Sometimes in our lives we wake up to a day feeling not quite ourselves as though something is just a little off and most people, just say they woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Today was the type of day that I got thrown off the wrong side of the bed.   We had a pretty big earth quake in Maryland today, actually it hit the Eastern Shore. On the recitor scale it was a 6.0.    Now, I am from Alaska and I have been in my fair share of Earth Quakes, but this one was scary even for a veteran like me.  I was my bathroom putting on some makeup and I felt the ground start to move beneath me it was small and I yelled down to my family if they had felt the small shake as well and everyone yelled yes, at that moment I was certain it was just a small shake and then not even thirty seconds after the small shake had halted the ground under my feet begun to sway and the entire room was shaking violently. I yelled for my father who had been trying to sleep for hours with no such luck and I could hear him trying to get out of bed which is not easy to do when everything around you feels like it's crumbling to the ground and you are about to be buried to death.  My dad yelled back, " you're fine, it's okay", but I could hear ttttdoorway and I realized that the old house I live in would not stand if the shanking became more violent so with my shirt in my hand that I had taken off as to not get makeup on it I moved my way downstairs  and before I could reach the door all shaking stopped. I was able to put my shirt on and when I walked outside I saw that all my neighbrs were looking up at the sky trying to stop the nonexsistant terroists.  Strange how before 9-11 nobody would have ever thought it was an attack even if it was the first earth quake they had been through.  I find it sad that so many people jumped at thinking it was terroists, including myself.     So, for a few short seconds I thought crap I am going to die and I was okay with that thought.   i don't WANT to die, but I am not afraid of it, then again I ran outside to make sure if anything collapsed I wouldn't be checking out quite yet.      I drove  my brother out to Baltimore to take him to the SPCA to get a new kitten.   I don't want a kitten i don't even really like cats or dogs for that matter.   I LOVE my dog, but I don't like other aniamls.  I find it kind of funny when I am with a friend who has a dog or cat and because they see how loving I am to my dog they assume I am a lover of the things, but I am really not.   I am always nice to animals and animals generally come to me above other people sometimes even their owners, and I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't want them near me.  I guess not even animals are above the old saying, " You want what you can't have." humans added the part, " Until you have what you couldn't and then you don't want it."     The SPCA was actually closed due to the Earth Quake, in fact they closed everything including the post.   The 6.0 Earth Quake is one of the biggest I have been in, but I have been in some fivers and back home where Earth Quakes are common they happen, people make sure things are okay, and then you go about your day as though nothing happened.   Marylanders freak out about everything.  I knew that when it snows here they freak unlike in Alaska where snow is common, but an Earth Quake is different once it is over you may have an after shock, but then it's done and over.   Sometimes the after shock is bigger than the ential shock like the Earth Quake yesterday at first it was a little small shake nothing too wierd even kind of exciting and then a few seconds after it had ended the after shock was more than a little shake and it was not fun, but a bit scary.     I did decide that the next Earth Quake I am in I want to do three things. First I want to pee during an EQ just to see how funny it would be, then I want to jump up and down to look at the effects it will have on my balance and finally I would love to have intercourse during an EQ.  I mean that would be the most difficult of all my EQ ideas because we would have to already be in the act, since EQ's don't last very long and even if by some small chance that I was already in the act it would take a little practice like from sitting on a dryer and having sex to be able to perform during a semi big EQ because otherwise it would just be bouncing around, but to be able to get the perfect movement.     

Anyway after I got to the SPCA to get my brother a kitten a cat I do not want for the reasons of not liking other animals, and I always end up being the one to have to pay and take care of the damn animals.  I got to the SPCA and they were closed. They had closed the entire city, so I am driving back from the city into town and at that point I had not slept in about thrity two hours I almost fell asleep at the wheel and started going off the road luckily it scared me so much that I was wide awake.   I had some more errands to make and on my way home finally after a very long day and being completely exhausted a car came and started to merge into my lane. Luckily after almost going off the road not long before I was being very vilgent and trying to stay awake so I spotted the car and started honking my horn and slowing down, but at the speed we were going and due to others cars I was boxed in, I was laying down the horn as much as possible and I had to get over into the wrong lane with oncoming traffic.  After other cars started honking at the car he finally looked and got back into his own lane.  When I had to turn the wheel as hard as I did to avoid being hit I hurt my wrist and it is now bruised and swollen from hitting the wheel when I turned.   The worst part is once the man got back into his own lane he looked up at me smiling with a huge creepy grin and put up his hands with raised shoulders the body language for oops  or what is there to do?  here is a guy that forces me into the wrong lane and damn near kills me and my brother and he finds it funny???    Well, so like I said it was a death day.  It's funny how when I am dealing with maybe having cancer and I find myself in situtions that could have turned deadly in a blink of eye and I'm not scared, but maybe the things weren't that deadly, scary? yes, deadly no.  I think I may be finding death in so many situtions because of fear of being sick.  I am exhausted because as of now I have not slept in over two days.  I went to go to sleep this morning since I get the day off and when I finally fell asleep around eleven am and then I got a call from my brother who needed to be picked up from school because as a senior he gets early dismisal because he has enough credits, so i had to go pick up my brother, i came home to clean and get things done, now, I am going to pick up some chef salads for my dad for hsi dinenr because tonight is the only night this week i am not cleaning and then I am off to go adopt a kitten from the SPCA with my brother.    I am going to come home and i am making my mother and brother go to bed at 830 pm tonight.  Last ngith my mother took ambien and was talking to people who weren't there because she was ASLEEP. she wasn't hearing voices, but she was asleep and then she would wake up and decide she had to seperate the laundry, so there I was cleaning up the messes she was making trying to get her to lay down with no such luck.    I got my brother up for school and took him, then I got my mother to sleep around 730 am and she was awake when I got home from picking up my brother so I did get an hour of sleep and yes, I am going to go and dirve on the road which I am not looking forward to, but sadly I am the only one who can do it.    Tomorrow after I get home I am getting an hour long Swedish Heat Massage and then I am going to Value City to pick out and order my new bedroom furniture, a gift from my parents.    I had picked out some new furniture and my mother informed me of other things that i am going to need and want and as a thank you for everything I do they offered to buy me new furniture so they things I had picked out we looked at other stuff and decided on the items that are a bit more expensive, but my parents really want to do it and I think it's cute they are in spoil mode and them telling me that I do so much for my family and I may bitch about it online, but I don't bitch to them they said I neevr complain and do everything and they know hat they don't show their appreciation a lto of the time and it's hard because I don't ask fir things andwhen I am offered I say no to things, but it's not fair I have an older sister and a younger brother who are really spoiled and they don't do anything to help the family.   This week my brother has been doing chore, but it's mostly because he wants a new kitten and orginally I had said no because I wanted my brother to prove he would take care of it and clean up after it, this week my brother has done all that so I finally gave in to the kitten.   I have picked out the kitten lol and I have also named the Kitten.    I know it's wierd, but I name all the animals except a few cats my brother used to have that died.            Oh I also texted R again today and I will tell about that tonight, but for now I need to get ready to leave because when I come home tonight I am determined to go to bed early and SLEEP!!!    Now, all I have to do is make sure I can put my mother down as well because if she doesn't go to sleep then I don't get to go to sleep.     I will write later and talk abotu why i etxted R again, but for now Wish me luck y'all
Hugs and Kisses xoxo

Cancer girl???

Hello my loyal readers,
                                       Today was actually a fairly good day. I went out and I had a lovely time, I got to play with kittens and east dairy queen which I am a sucker for and as we were waiting for our food this creepy old Asian American guy was staring at me and then he walked outside because we were in the car waiting for our food to be brought to us and as the guy was walking around the car we caught sight of this man digging into his butt, I mean he was really going at it and then he took his fist and started punching his left butt cheek the one he had been digging at. J and I could only figure the guy had some serious hemmroids and well, it left us was some laughs for quite a while.   I ended things kind of early because I was really tired which is unusual, but I was also having a really painful neck and it turns out I have a horribly swollen lymph node behind my head that is red and painful, but I also have other swollen lymph nodes.  Now, I have also gotten swollen lymph nodes and I have had something that is in an infection in my lymph nodes about four times in my life so it's not that uncommon, but lately I have been having really bad night sweats to the point where I am getting woken up when I do sleep that is because I am always tired, but I have had a hard time sleeping though since R and I have finally stopped speaking and I know where that stands I have been sleeping better.  Anyway with the painful swollen lymph nodes and the night sweats I had my mom an RN look at it and my last blood work did show an infection that could not be figured out and well, with everything else going on my mom wonders that if the stress that has been added to my body and mind lately and of course with my history I spoke with my doctor and I have to be checked out, but they want to do a biopsy as well.        I have had a few surgeries and my last year of high school I barely got to go because I was so sick.  Luckily I even graduated early because I was determined and well, I wanted to get the hell out of there and be able to start my life with my husband.     The biopsy is perfectly safe and yes, it will be a little painful, but there is a pain medicine that is non narcotic that I can take to help with that.   I am not really that worried because no matter what something will make me feel better because between waking up covered in sweats with fevers.   I think what worries me more is that my mother and my doctor seem to think that I may have luckemia.   What that means for me and for everything I don't know.  The funny thing is I am not worried about me so much.   I have my family that are supportive and we have talked about things and should the worse care senrio happen, but even though my family is here I do wish someone else was by my side.     No, not J as I barely know him.   I think that's what sucks about being single is sometimes you want someone that you are intimate there by your side, someone to lean on.    I know that R is the guy that should be around at least according to my friends but we broke up so he shouldn't be then again I guess in some ways I wish he would be there.     I think i got used to having him talk to me about his feelings when he was scared and when we were dating I was the strong one.  Actually I was so strong that I was even cold at times.   I had to be strong because he was scared and yes, I was scared and R was there for me when I was crying even though he was usually the reason why I was crying LOL though his Roommate was also the reason and even though R didn't say anything while we were dating I have to say i was impressed that he stood up for me after we broke up.   It was like everything I had verbalized to him abotu my feelings made sense when I wasn't around anymore.   Anyway so I was always the stronger one when R and I were together.  I was the one that said everything would work out and now, that I am on my own I have my moments when I am not so sure.   I didn't want to be on my own , but I didn't have much of a choice.  R walked away even if I am the one who told him to leave me alone he is the one who walked and he wanted to wak, but that was never what I wanted and hell I even tried with some serious effort to get along and be friends, but once again R walked away not me.   I don't want to be with R ever again, but at times like this when I am scared it's wierd because a month ago I had R to lean on true I always went to the hospital myself because he didn't want to go or because he was drunk, but I always wanted him there and at times when I was home back from the doctors R was right there trying to make me feel better.   Yes, I had to cook and do all the cleaning including picking up his mess which wasn't that great of him, but I didn't even mind that because when I was scared at those times I got to express to him and he made me feel better even when I was pissed off at him.    I think I just mess that not even R really though I do miss him as a person because we got along great when we weren't fighting, but I mostly having a person that wasn't my family that I didn't have to feel guilty if I was scared because with my family I can't show if I am scared because I don't want them to feel bad or be worried and I have to be strong for them, kind of like how I had to be the strong one when I was with R, but I leaned on him at times so it was okay I guess.  I wish I could say that R didn't worry about me, but I know he did which is so wierd because the guy told me many times how he didn't care about me and I always said he didn't care about me too, but if he didn't care then why did I see him worry about me?   Could it be that if you tell someone they don't give a shit about you even when they try to show you they do, and even if they don't care in a big way could they say that they don't care just because you want to hear that????           I always take pride in the fact I don't punish all guys for other's mistakes, but I notice that I always tell guys that they don't love me even when they tell me they do, and no, R never did and he didn't, but  if I don't punish all guys for past mistakes then why do I always tell guys how they feel????    I keep noticing a pattern that I do play the victim in realtionships.  I wasn't completely wrong with R and I, but I did bitch a lot and I did make it so I wouldn't have ot be with him.  I know that he and I weren't right for each other AT ALL, but R and I could have been civil to each other and I could have given him a better chance.  I knwo that I did text him on Friday and I tried to make things right even to forgive him for all the bad that he did and I know that he sees that he was mean to me even when I was really nice to him and did nothing, but try to make things better, but I also made things fail once it was over.    Even though we broke up R and I could have worked things out to where everyone could have been happy with the end results and we could have compromised, but instead I did what I always do I ran.  I have been a runner for so long that I am a pro at making it so I force the guys hand into walking away so then I am the victim.  No, I know that I am not to blame because I tried and R didn't want that so honestly this time I won't take the blame, but I have done it before so I do know that I had started to chase him away, but I also made sure not to do it completely and to say when I was in the wrong, but R didn't care about that and he made his choice.   R did a lot of really bad things when I was with him, but after we broke up I did some bad things ot him.   I lied to him because I was angry and because he wanted me to lie to him, but honestly did he want me to lie.  I think he did because when I told him the truth he acted horrible and still didn't want any part and then he started with threats and I was angry at him so I made the choice, but then I decided to let him have his choice and decided to meet with him, but he was the one that backed out.  Yes, I freaked out and I went to push him away, but the last text I had gotten from him said that he would think about it and let me calm down and get back to me and when I told him I was sorry he never responded.      I shouldn't be thinking about nay of this, but as soon as I think about him in anyway which I try not to do expect when I write because a lot of you email me and ask about my thoughts on stuff so I write about what is on my mind at the moment I am writing and my thoughts on R chance pretty much every night, but when I do write about him and answer questions I am emailed though I try not to do it in a Q and A form because I am not being interviewd I also then go off and analyze every little detail.   It's nto so much abotu R as it is about myself and trying to figure out the steps I do wrong when I am in a realtionship.   The fact of the matter is R and I were not right for each other, but we were forced together from a mistake and even though there is joy with that mistake I pushed R out of any of that joy and he walked away from it over and over again.   I am a runner and R is a leaver.   R leaves when things gets tough because it is what he knows and I push people away and run away from pain ensuring that I will feel pain because people leaving is what I know.   My husband left for war and never came home to me like he promised.  My ex C left me and then I just started pushing people away.    One of my ex's Jesse is a guy who he and I were very happy together and we talked about marriage and a family and we wanted things to be great, but I pushed him away and when he wouldn't leave I left and then things got really ugly between us.   He was a guy that I was in love with and it scared the hell out of me.   I may nto have been in love with R, but I did do what I know and though I tried to make it right I should find comfort in the fact that R didn't want a part and that I am not to blame, but I don't find comfort in it because the fact of the matter is that the end result is the same.  Yes, it was R's choice, but all that does is make all my thoughts on guys being bad real.  All is does is make me think that I am unlovable to the point that even when it is not about me, but something so much bigger and more precious because I have ay part in it they leave.      I think I am just thinking a lot because I am scared not knowing what will happen with everything.  To think I could lose something after going through so much pain to keep it doesn't make me feel very confident.   I guess the only thing I can do is pray and hope that things will work out as they should.  Well, I am tired and I have to put my feet up to take down some swelling I have so goodnight my loyal readers and until tomorrow.     
The Single, Emotionally Scared Gal,
  Heather

Going on a date

I had a doctor's appointment and I ended up meeting a really nice guy who is an Intern to be a docotor and he ended up asking me out so I said yes, and then I had a very nice date with him.  He knows all about me and he didn't seem to care about anything.  An added bonus is that he didn't try to kiss me, but he did ask me out again.  I am going out with him again tomorrow.  The entire time I was out with him I could see myself with J for a really long time.  We talked about what felt ike everything. We taked about God, politics, past realtionships and we even talked about marriage.  While we talked about marriage because I don't believe in divorce unless there is abuse and he felt the same way. He is going to become a resident at the end of this month that is if he passes his boards which is a test that interns have to take to prove that they have learned enough to become residents. He even seem impressed that I knew this, but as we spoke of marriage I do what I do with all men that I begin to date, I take their last name and I try my name out with theirs to see how i like the way it sounds and I did like the way it sounds. I give him a bonus for knowing about everything that has went on in my life and not running away. J told me that he was in trouble because he didn't think he could say no to me because I'm too cute to ever be denied anythign then he told me how I must be spoiled by my family which I then laughed at and then told him it was a great line.  It sounds cheesy everything he said to me, but coming from J it wasn't chessy I don't know if it is the sound of his voice or just him in general.  Even though he didn't try and kiss me I did kiss him on the cheek and give him a hug which he seemed to like and as he was walking away he tripped a little and i know it sounds a little dumb, but  always know that a guy really likes me when he gets flustered or trips because he can't stop staring at me.    J and I came across the topic of kids and he wasn't pushy or overbearing in any way, but he did listen and he didn't pity me like msot people do, but he was just a good listener and though J asked a few questions he didn't pry.  I am going to go out with him again and I am trying to not get my hopes up.  i do have to be a little cautious because I always wonder about doctors and if it's a line they use in order to get women.  I don't really care what he does for a living not to mention that interns don't make a lot of money so I don't care about money because honestly I am not one for status's or money.  I have never cared abotu that kind of stuff and everyone who knows me knows that to be true. I have dated mostly military guys, a roofer, a guy who worked as a delivery guy for coca cola, and a cop.  Okay, so one of those guys was both a delievery guy for coca cola and then later on towrds the end of our relationship became a cop, but I don't care about jobs but I do look at what a guy does for a living as to what type of perosnality he has.  From what I can tell J is smart, not very controlling though he knows what he wants, and he makes me laugh.   So, we are going out again tomorrow and we even talked about going to a show in Sepetember, but i told him it was a little to soon to talk about that  It's wierd just as I figure that I shouldn't be dating at all I meet a really nice guy.   I am the type of girl who can tell if she can love a guy right off the bat.   With R I knew right away if I could ever love him.  I wasn't in love with him, but I did lie to him when I said I never would.  I think I could have loved R if things could have been mostly good between us.  I didn't love R, but I do think I could have if he had treated me better and I did have feelings for him.  I don't know how long it would have taken me to fall love with R and maybe it never would have happened, but I think I could have just because when he wasn't me he really was a good guy.  No, R never made contact with me and I do know why and it had nothing to do with our fight.  Frankly I honestly think R was scared. Maybe he was mad, but he had pleanty of time to cool off and to handle things better, but he chose not to.  Maybe it had to do with the fact that I took sex off the table and maybe it had to do with him hooking up with someone knew, but i think mostly he didn't want to out of fear and anger, but I know that I did the right thing and I acted like a grownup and he made his choice so I can tell myself not to worry, but honestly I will probably keep worrying.   Meeting J kind of came at the wrong time because I do still plan to move.  Unless J and I fall in love and decide to get married lol which I think considering we only had a first date which okay lasted twelve hours yes, we had that much fun, but even with a long and great first date I don't think love and marriage is going to happen so fast.  He and I also talk on the phone late at night around eleven.   I have only known J for two days and it's wierd, but I do feel like I have known him a while, but I have a lot of people say like they feel they have known me a while and I have a few people who I have known for years that don't know me at all like my friend L AKA Sanchez.  I have known Sanchez for about seven years and we barely know each other.  Things I know about R who I only knew for five months I don't know about Sanchez and he certainly doesn't know it about me.   R asked me a few things about Sanchez and I kinda of lied mainly because I don't liek admitting it to myself let alone to another person lol.  I didn't lie about anything that is R's business or anything big I just didn't tell him everythign. I had mentioned the topic a few times to him and tried to tell him , but he cut me off because he didn't care and I didn't see the point in telling him now that we are broken up since he never wanted to hear it when we were together.  Well, I have to get up early because yes, I am going out around ten am early I know, but it's the only time free.   Oh, other thigns going on in my life.  I get to find out if the baby is a boy or girl in about a month and a half.   Everyone is hoping for a girl, but we will see. If it is a girl I am going to go shopping and everyone knows the baby is going to be spoiled by everyone.  The first girl grandbaby in the family. Elisabeth will be the name if it's a girl and frankly I can't wait to find out.   I think that is the only thing I am looking forward to right now, but I have a few other things to look forward to as well. I am tired because when I got home I cooked dinner for my family.  I made brown rice, chicken, broccli and cheese I also made some garlic shrimp scampi which I did not eat and everyone seemed to love it.   I know the shrip and white rice is a meal all on it's own, but my mom has a difficult time eating chicken as sometimes it gets stuck and makes her sick so i made another dish as well. I also made corn and finished everything off with applesauce lol.   I made banana nut bread for dessert.   I have been cooking almost every night for the family and I always forget how much I really do love to cook and bake.   I rarely have time to cook and bake and since right now I am on vacation it's nice to get to do the things I have missed out on.   Well, that is what went on in my life the past two days since I haven't written since Friday evening.  My doctor appt was on Saturday morning the only time they could get me in and since I missed my last appointment because I had to go to the ER they were able to fit me in on a weekend because my doctor goes in some saturday for about three hours YEAH ME anyway I forgot to mention what I did on my date.   I went hiking early this morning and then by afternoon got completely poured on so went to lunch soaking wet followed by a movie.  We saw the Zookeeper which was a cute movie.  I like the gorllia Bernie.  If you haven't seen it I do reccomend it because I now want a Gorrlia lol especially if I can take him t oApplebees lol.    Anyway after the movie we then walked around the mall a bit followed by catching an early light  dinner and talking some more.   All in all the past two days have been really cam and pleasent.  Well, now I going to go lay down because it had been a long day and I need my beauty rest.   Sweet dreams readers and I shall catch you up tomorrow.  

R ignored Text

Well, after much thought I decided to go ahead and give in to R. Yes, I still believe he did wrong, but after thinking it through I thought about what was more important, ending things on a positive side and both R and I getting closure or me being right and stubbron.  I figured that even though I believe I am right I also believe that I overreacted in our fight.  I had every right to feel hurt and angry, I have every right to feel whatever feelings I feel, but I don't have a right to try and force R to understand because I don't think he can and I don't have a right to try and make him care if he hurt me because R never will.  I started to believe that R cared abotu me the way I car for him that everything we have gone through and how he was there for me and how I was the ONLY person who was there for him even though he and I always fought and didn't see eye to eye we still leaned on each other and I begun to think that in some ways he cared about me as another human being the way I care for him because he is human.  It's even more than just being in the same species, but because of everything he and I went through even though i am still going through it and he is not I thought that it meant we could care for each other if for only that reason and I do, but I don't think Richard does and perhaps I was stupid to think so, but he said he did then he would say he didn't.   I never though R cared for me in any other way and I know for a fact that he never loved me, but I guess because anyone else would care that he did too and because he said he did, but I don't know if it's true and it probably isn't I am just not sure.   Actually I do think in his own way he probably did in a certain way, but I don't think he knew how to handle anything just like I didn't know how to handle it.       Anyway so I gave in and I texted R.  I said, " Hey" then after no response I told him I assumed he didn't want what he had asked for or closure or anything else.  I also told him that he can never say that I didn't try or blame anything on me because I was breaking the silence.  He still didn't response and so my last text was me telling him that I wished things could have ended more peacefully and that I wanted to do what is right and let him know everything and give us both peace of mind.  I finished the etxt by telling him I was taking the highroad and I wish him well.     No, he did not say anythign back, but I didn't expect him to.   Some of my friends wanted me to tell R a few things and thought I should and I kept thinking I couldn't and shouldn't, but then after I overreacted on our fight last weekend I thought about why I wanted to get out of seeing him so much and what that was doing to me as a person and then I thought about everything that R has done.  i thought about how R did try to be supportive and while I got angry and called him names and he would call me names or say something cruel I would be mean right back.  I thought about how he has a good side too and how I have my own bad side one that R has seen many times, but I have a good side too and that is something R has seen as well.     I think the only reason I texted R tonight was because I do want to tell hi everything and I wanted to tell him in person even if it's soemthing I was not looking forward to.   The thing is I ept giving R chance after chance wanting him to just prove to me that he wouldn't be mean as soon as something he didn't liek happen.  When R and I got in our fight he didn't get mean.  I wasn't mean either, but I was unreasonable and I was really angry that he didn't care if he hurt me.  R didn't call me a name or say anything mean yes, he was insenstive, but he wasn't mean at least not purposely like he has been in the past.      When I texted R tonight I was giving him another chance, but perhaps it was me who needed the chance.    I don't know anymore.    I know I should appologize, but so should he and I don't like feeling like I need to appologize and that if I do the other person who should say they are sorry too won't say it.     I think that is where I am wrong, because an apology doesn't mean much if you expect something back, but I HATE that I am the one to have to bend and he gets to sit on his pedestal all high and mighty doing what ever he wants with no consequences.    Some of my friends think I am stupid that I should make him pay for at least half of some stuff, but I don't want that.    R did offer to pay for the thing he wants and I never even thought about that.   Yes, I probably should make him pay, but that is not my style.    I don't know if I will change my mind, but I doubt I will.   Yes, it kind of hurts that he goes on ignoring me, but I am not surprised because that is just how he is.  It's childish and stupid, but R is a little younger than me.  He is a grown ass man, but based on his actions in the past you would think he were in high school.  He is a grown man and he does grown up things, but some of his actiosn are childish then again some of my actions are pretty childish too.    My actions have been more emotional than childish lol with good reason, but still I have acted like a child too.   I did text R that I was sorry and I did wrong about over reacting jsut thinking about him makes me cry.   When I think our fight I start crying because it makes me think how bad it feels when he hurts my feels, how bad it feels when I think about all the things he has done, and I think about how bad I feel how things went down and what I have done.  I think about how bad I feel thinking about the future.    Sometimes when a person has done wrong they can't fix it no matter how hard they try.  Sometimes when someone hurts someone no matter how badly the other person wants to forgive they just can't because the wound is too deep.  Maybe my wound is just still open.  I do know that it would be wrong of me to say that R is a deadbeat or any other names because of the choices I have made.    Then I think that R is not a stupid guy and is doing exactly what he wants and he sees things for how they are.    I don't know what to think anymore.  I do find it funny that R wanted me to text him first when I had calmed down and when I do he decides to ignore me.   Even when I take the high road.   Nothing will ever been good enough to please Richard and the funny thing is I am too good for him.  I get so sad thinking about things and how I have to tell the truth and say that I did wrong, but I was too good for him and how he didn't care and hwo I have to tell every sorted detail.   I can't aviod telling the story and how I wish I could.  Someday I will have to tell everything and it's not fun to say all the things I did wrong or to bad mouth R.  I guess it's not bad mouthing if it's truth.  Well, so readers now you know that I tried to make peace and be the bigger person.  I tried and R wasn't intreasted.  For my close friends that read this I am saying that R does know everyhing because he isn't fucking stupid and he really doesn't care.   So, I guess now I can have peace, so then why i don't I feel better?   Did I just let myself off the hook? Did I really try hard enough?   I think I did, maybe I could have done more, but if R isn't willing to speak to me or to make even a little effort when I bit the bullet than I can't force him.   Anyway so once again I am crying which happens a lot and I have to pee so I am going to pee and then I am going to lay down to go to sleep.  Goodnight readers, and Sweetdreams 

Needing a grove

Lately I have been feeling blah, but it's more than just blah, because I feel a hunger in me like a need not being met.  I can't really put my finger on it, but I am going to take my own advice, The advice I have given many women. When a woman feels blah or not exactly the best especially when not in a realtionship then she as a woman has to do something to change it.  Everyone knows that when they meet someone that gives their life new and exciting possibilites we feel wonderful.  In every single one of my realtionships even with R and he and I weren't exactly together when we first started out, but in every single realtionship or even just meeting a new guy I was filled with butterflies and so much excitement because it was something different.  We as humans live pretty uneventful lives. We do the same things over and over again and even if we mix it up and try something new we still go back to the same jobs, the same friends and people, and we have to maintain every thing in our lives.  We do our house chores and laundry, we go to work, school, and some days we will meet new friends and people, but the majority of our lives don't chane, and when we notice how everything feels the same we start to feel mediorce and blah.   So, the only way I can see changing how I feel is to dye my hair and get it cut, perhaps change more about my apperance and do anything to get me out of my funk.   The first thing I am doing is cleaning out my room.  I have pulled everything out of my closet and drawers in an attemp to throw out things that have been cluttering my life and mind.  I keep a lot of old mementos in order to always be able to look back and as hard as it is for me to throw things away like pictures and letters I think now is the time.   I saved a couple of things from my realtionship with R and I am throwing those things out as well because it's not healthy for me to keep things.  It's not unhealthy to keep mementos as I do have an old hat box that is beautiful in which I keep certain things that I will probably never throw away so some day I can show my child, but sometimes when we keep things we hold on so tightly that it doesn't leave room in our lives for new things or people and if your life is cluttered then your mind becomes cluttered as well.    I want things to be fresh and new. I want things to be exciting again.  I do like somethings to be unknown in my life even if at other times I am freaked out by it.      R never did contact me and that is his choice.  I do want to contact him really badly and tell him a few things, but I won't.  I don't want fight and I hate that I have to give into everything and he can't even be the one to intiate contact when he wants something.  I don't know why that bothers me so much, but it does because I guess in my mind it makes me feel as if I am always the one to do everything just like when he and I were together.   R isn't a bad guy, but I just don't think it's fair and I want things to be fair because when he and I were together they were never fair.  I guess I keep thinking that because R and I are no longer together than things can fianlly be equal.  R did nto always get his way, but most of the time he did and if he didn't than it was all abotu me.   Things were never equal between R and myself it was always more for one of us and I want it to be equal.   It's even more than things being equal I want to feel respected and R just won't give me any respect actually he can be respectful and usually is, but he doesn't respect me and won't give me the respect I deserve.   R will be courteous and he won't bad mouth me as far as I knwo, but I think and I am fairly certain that he does talk shit, but none of that bothers me.  Even though he can be courteous and not call me a bitch or other things.  HE won't give me the type of respect as far as not be controlling and make me contact him when he wants something.  R will never respect me though he can act respectful if that even makes sense because when it counts he doesn't respect me.  I guess that makes sense because as a person I'm not sure I respect him, but I respect him more than I should.   I don't think he's a bad person and even with his actions that are mean and even now thining about everything I cry my eyes out I still don't blame him because I put myself into the sitution where I let him treat me certain ways and do certain things.   HE wasn't all bad there are pleanty of times when he tried to be supportive even though he didn't support me. He would try a lot of the time and yes, he hated every minute of it and showed me just how much he hated me for it.  The funny thing is R hated me for something that isn't my fault.  He actually would take mroe of the fault than me, but I don't liek thinking that i like ot think that he and I were both to blame he just didn't think so because in his eyes it was easier to just blame me for everything.  I have been blaming R for the fight we had last weekend and it wasn't his fault.  Yes, he changed his mind and it hurt me because to him everything was a game, but the fight was my fault because I took everything he has done in the past and I felt it at that moment.  I think its possible I wanted the fight so I wouldn't have to face him so he couldn't see me as I am now.  I am not sure because I don't like fighting with him, but I do think I overreacted a lot.  I should have just told him fne whatever and even though I was angry and hurt because he has done it so many times before that I should have stayed slient because it doesn't matter to him. My feelings will never matter to him I will never matter to him and I need to learn that getting ngry and fighting him won't change how he treats me.  I can't control his feelings or actions only my own.  I couldn't make R be involved and so I made my choice and I made sure he wouldn't be.   I don't know if that is the right choice, but I think it's too late to change any of that.     I do know that I feel blah so my room is being cleared out and  I am going to get my hair done.  I am going to have a cleaning night than a beauty night.  I guess  I could go to a party, but I am starting to really feel out of place at parties.  I think that I just can't fit in right now in life at places like bars or parties.    Well, I need to head to the store and grab a few things than I am going to have a night filled with cleaning, a bath than shower, hair dying to get it cut tomorrow and get my nails done as well.   Helpful hint to women who dye their hair.   If you dye your hair a lot like I do for touch up then it's best to use amonia free dye because it does less damage to the hair and it's get for pregnant women because it's not horrible for the baby and as long as you make sure to not touch the sclap, but to get as close to the roots as possible it's perfectly safe :)    For everyone else not pregnant still getting close to the roots and not touch the sclap is best and much healthy for the hair, but as long as its ammoina free than it won't damage your hair as much as other dyes with more chemicals that will dry and damage yor hair making it brittle with a ton of split ends. :)    Just though I would share a beauty secret especially since I get a lot of ocmpliments on my hair because it is always soft and always smells good.   I always use a Strawberry N Creame   shampoo and conditioner from Suave, but I also add Nexus or Atheno shampoo and conditoner to my strawberry stuff that way I am getting a mroe expensive and richer in protein product into my hair but the cheap stuff has the strongest and best smell.  :)    Anyway enjoy the beauty hint also when doing Mascera take a tooth[pick to yoru eyelashes to avoid clumps.  You can use an eyelash brush, but if you don't have one and are out at dinenr a toothpick works.  It also works if you are broke or cheap.  I got the hint from a drag queen when I was at dinner and had forgotten my eyelash brush. :)   Anyway off to the store I go and sadly people I will probably text R as to what I will say I don't know.  There is still a lot of hurt that I feel form him and everytime I forgive him and move on trying to be nice he does something that hurts me once again so I worry that the only thing I will ever think of when he crosses my mind is hurt.  I don't want to feel or think of hrut when I look back to him. I never wanted that.  I have two options to make peace and give in and get some closure or to just never think of him again, but that is going to be a little harder lol.  I do know that when I look back I own't have nearly as many regrets as R will.   R may not give a shit about me, but in his heart he knows certain things and when he thinks back on me and I will cross his mind of this I am sure he will regret how he treated me.  R will regret things and wish that he could have fixed it of this I am certain.   It will probably even eat away at him little by little.  It wont ill him but there will be a piece that will be eaten away and will fill him with a certain sadness.   I know this because even though I don't care about R and even though he did me wrong I have done wrong too no matter how much I justify it try to change things in my mind it is wrong and I will have a piece that is eaten away from my choices little by little.  The only difference is I get the joy part and R does not.    We will see what happens but for now I am off and away.

Reality sets in and I'm freaking out.

I keep asking myself how one day I can feel joy and look forward to the future and then today reality started to set in and I find myself freaking out.  I even find myself having a panic attack because the anxiety is overwhelming.  I usually look to the bight side of things while always thinking about the logicstics, but it seems that even though I go through everything in my mind today it really started to set in and I can't help think that I don't know what I am doing.  I was looking at my reflection and as I stared at myself in the mirror I saw everything so clearly as if until now it wasn't completely real.   Oh, life is real all right and nothing I do is going to change it.  I have options of course, but the only thing I see is taking responsibilty and own my future.  I keep telling myself that everything will work out and it will all be okay, but I don't know if I really believe that. So many things in my life have gone wrong and I have had to fight every step of the way to keep my mind sane and my soul good.    I think I finally understand R's fears and why he acted the way he did.   I will never agree with how he behaved, but even though I always knew why he did what he did I don't think I ever really understood it until today.    So, today I am freaking out. I am young and the future is a scary thing, but it doesn't have to be.   I don't know if being on my own is what scares me the most abuot the future or if it is the future itself, the unknown.    We as people fear what we do not know, it is why we fear death, but I have never been afraid of death.. I am not one to welcome death or to go out looking for it, but I do not and have never fear it.  I have been in my fair share of situtions where death was a big possiblity and I have even done things where it is a wonder why I did not die when other who did the same did.  Last year I went swimming in a river where people white water raft and i did so without a life vest.  I almost drowned and for a while I was so numb from the adreline that I didn't even get the severity of my actions.  A woman and her daughter did the same thing I did that die and they both died.  Why was I saved and they were not?  IS there some big plan for me something I am meant to still do that I have not yet fulfilled? I am not sure of that and lately I have told myself that the path I am on is what I am supposed ot be doing, the role I am supposed to fulfill.    Today all I fear is fear and on edge.   The fear rises from my abdomen, into my chest, and up to my throat where I choke on it and feel sick to my stomach.   I keep breathing or rather tell myself to breathe because everything will be fine, but I cannot because I am not sure it will be.   I wish I knew what the future held, but like everyone else in the world I am not privy to God's plan nor am I an oracle so I do not have the answers.   What I do know is I will stay strong.  I will always be a fighter even if I don't know what I am doing or what the hell I am supposed to be doing.  Everyone else says I am doing exactly what I should be doing, but I keep thinking I should be doing more.  I have always thought there has to be more.  Maybe there isn't anything more, maybe I am not meant for path that I am on. Perhaps I should change the path, but of that I am uncertain too.    What I do know is that I need to think, but I keep thinking that perhaps this choice is not my alone to make as I always thought it was.    Can I really decide someone else's path just because it coensides with my own?   Is there every a time when a person has a right to make another's choices? Is it right to take someone else's path just because it may complicaate our own?  Like everyone else in the world I only wish I had all the answers.